A blog has been far and few between for me lately. Between the nausea, fatigue and hecticness of life lately...there hasn't been much room for it. Although, God has been doing a serious work in me! I'll share...forewarning..its long.
As most of you know from previous post, September and October we had absolutely no income. Besides of course the miracle check that appeared in our mailbox. November 15th actually was the beginning date of "real" deer season. Not to mention we were supposed to be buying our home officially at the beginning of November...which didn't happen. The owners of the house are in bad health and at a very old age. My heart was to get them their money asap. I love them VERY much! But along with this upsetting news came more upsetting news after more upsetting news and I could continue this list on and on...That began a whirlwind of mass chaos in the world of me. Of course what else do you do but get on your face and cry out to God?! So, that's what I did.
I literally had snot coming out of my nose. Yes, gross. Out of many emotions, mostly anger...I slammed my fists against the floor until they turned red. I yelled a lot. I told God I was very mad at him. Followed by a "real sorry". Accompanied by even MORE snot and tears. It's hard to be angry with someone you love so much! It's even harder knowing that He's provided all that I have. HELLO! "Mysterious check!"....I would yell some hurting thought, then say "I know!". Now, looking back I smirk even though my eyes are tear-filled. My tongue has released the word hate a lot lately. "I hate the 'holidays'!" "I hate this place" "I hate, I hate, I hate...". It was not until Caleb pointed it out that I realized how often I began using such a terrible word. The worst part is that deep down I felt the root it was connected to but didn't have the strength to uproot it!
It aggravates me when people say, "It's going to be okay". The response I'd like to shoot back? "You have NO idea what is going to be okay. Walk a mile in my shoes, THEN tell me that again." Harsh. I know. I've learned for myself how easy it is to assure someone life will be grand when life is indeed grand on my end of the stick. How about putting myself in the other person's position, truly knowing what's going on, then proceed from there? Honestly, I don't need a "new" scripture or some lengthy..."Oh, God loves you so much He wants the best for you...." line. I know it quite well, thank you. I've learned that sometimes the things we think are not "God's Will"...indeed are. Hello, Job.
So, as I am ranting to God about my anger, hurt and even how I know He has me....He leads me to this passage: Psalm 73...I was so confused at first, then quickly came to a place of brokenness, realizing that I am this person. Envy & bitterness have snuck its conniving way into my heart. I hope you know how hard that was to type. Admitting it was even harder. But I knew without a doubt that Holy spirit took me straight there for a reason. Who can deny Him? So at the top of my journal I wrote, "This is my prayer for today...." And in my own words wrote this passage. Going from a place of provision and security to Hamilton, Al....literally saving pennies....did uncover this terrible sin in my life. I was at the point of looking back at the "good old days" asking God, "Why?..." Does He know the Hell I've been through? That I haven't wore makeup in weeks because I know I'm going to cry it right off! I haven't left my house in days to save money? And, staying in this house has caused me more envy and bitterness towards all of the people I know who can LEAVE their house?! Does He know I have absolutely NO christmas presents to give my daughter? And that she only has FOUR outfits to last her through the winter....? Does He know?! -Please understand this is not being put out for pity. He has showed me much through this, and is STILL showing me much through this chaotic mess I'm still struggling to overcome. At the end of Psalm 73 it says, "Yet I still belong to you; you are holding my right hand. You will keep on guiding me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in Heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever!" There is a happy ending somewhere in the midst of the turmoil.
About a week and a half ago we had to go to Tupelo to fetch some stuff for the business. I had this gripping at my gut the whole way. I really didn't want to spend ANY money. Owning your own business you NEVER know what will be left over for the next month because you may not make ANYTHING for weeks. I was very quiet most of the way. Totally not normal. We stopped at Chick-fil-a and grabbed lunch. I asked Caleb could I forfeit my lunch and use the $7 I would have spent to buy Eden something to wear. He didn't think I was serious. We headed back home and we began talking about the new baby. He was curious why I don't talk to him/her as much. SO ashamed I held back some serious tears to explain...Without shedding one tear I managed to get it out. Silence. Then all of a sudden it was like Niagra Falls exploded. My sandwich flew out of my mouth accompanied with sobs and some sweet tea. I couldn't pinpoint an exact emotion, but the fact that it was definitely ALL but the good ones that triggered this. If you asked Caleb, he would describe me as "hard". I don't cry much, if any. The only times he has truly seen me cry is with the Lord. This he had never witnessed before so He wasn't quite sure how to respond. I know he was hurting just as much as I was.
There has always been one story I've let him into that I'm sure he can recite perfectly. My parents got divorced when I was 12, my sister was 7 and my brother was still in utero. Together my parents did well financially. Apart my mother struggled. One night I sat at our island in the kitchen staring hopelessly at my mom as she sobbed on the phone with her mom. She kept saying, "I dont know what I'm going to do!" Here she was with all of this responsibility and no way to provide financially for everything. In my heart I made a vow. I will NEVER have to experience that. My children will never have to witness me in shambles because my bills can't be paid. Never say never right? Here I am with food, drink, snot and tears all over our truck. Crying as hard as I've cried in a long time. Like...weird noises escaping from my throat and all. Nothing could console me. I made sure God knew how upset I was. Caleb patted my shoulder, rubbed my arm and wiped my tears. All the while Eden sat and watched me telling me, "Shhh..mommy". (Totally didn't make me feel better, though I wish it had). I was taken back to that day I sat and watched my mom do the same thing. I hope Eden never remembers that day.
That day I first told you God brought me to the scripture...well Holy Spirit told me to read the book Envy-Bob Sorge. Reading it more than once was and is and will always be a must. I haven't decided yet if this is the hand God has dealt me, or if I'm just in a "Job" season. Maybe God is strengthening me to carry the grace we will soon be given for the sphere God has alloted us. As I said before, I'm still very intensely experiencing this. Still trying to overcome a battle. Still trying to accept what's been given me.
It's 2 weeks until Christmas. I still have not one thing for one person. I have a very bare "dream tree". Have already overdrawn my bank account paying bills. And Eden still only has 4 outfits for winter. Not to mention nothing afterwards. I still break down multiple times a day. I have told God twice today that I'm still mad....but only at myself. I can't be mad knowing that I'm being refined like silver and gold day after day by the only One who knows my past and my future. Yes, my future. I keep reminding myself that there is a GLORIOUS destiny at the end of this very dark tunnel. If it leads me home, it leads me home. If it commands I stay in Hamilton, I stay in Hamilton. Again I say, I am a willing vessel and I say yes! Break me and rip me apart. The outside may look weak...but you still remain the strength of my heart!
I look forward to updating you on my quest to find and hold pure joy, pure love.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Seasons: The good & the bad.
For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under Heaven. -Ecclesiastes 3:1
There is a specific time appointed for everything that takes place on Earth. That amazes me. God is that big.
Yet God has made everything beautiful for it's own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. -Ecclesiastes 3:11
How amazing is it that God planted eternity in my heart? By the spirit, I know eternity. That is so hard to grasp almost. I have access to eternity....Why am I so carnal!? Can I not see into the eternity I've been given access to because I don't live enough in the spirit?....good question. God has made everything beautiful for it's own time. A flower. It looks beautiful for the time it's been given here on earth. Then it withers and dies. I'll only look beautiful for a time...and soon I'll follow in the footsteps of a flower. I don't really know where I'm going with this. I've just been pondering seasons a lot lately.
I know that God has put people in my life for season. My parents are with me a lifelong season. I have some friends God has given me in that same category, thankfully. I feel like I've had so many people walk in and out of my life, and for a time I didn't understand. When I fully grasped the meaning of these verses...I think I understood better. Although it's not always easy to accept. Why would God put people in our lives, then take them away? I've summed it up to this: Learning lessons. Through most in & outs I've learned lifelong lessons. Things that have helped shape me and sharpen character. I'm very thankful for friends kept and friends lost.
I know that God has put me in certain places for good reasons...er, seasons. Once upon a time...I had a whatever job making whatever money. I was content with where I was. I felt like God was leading me to another place so I followed that direction, just eager for what He had there for me. Boy, was I in for a suprise! It was awful! I happened to be alone everyday in an office so I let worship music play....loudly. I would pray and really seek an answer on why the HECK God had me in this awful place. (I had some pretty intense bosses). I never asked him to give me a way out...just asked why He had me there. Then, I felt completely released to leave this job and go back to my old job. It was the easiest transition in every way possible. God opened some pretty amazing doors! I ended up getting a higher paying job than I had even asked for! I, of course, thanked God for opening doors and closing others and again asked, "Why?"
I'll never know the technicals of what happened in that ONE month that I was gone from my first job but all I know is He made a way. He had me between a rock and hard place for a season but the rewards of my faithfulness to His word were amazingly greater than what I would have ever thought they could be.
I'm not sure if any of this makes sense. I just know that God allows us to be put in uncomfortable positions/seasons for a purpose. There is always something greater at the end of that season. A lesson, a better season, an opportunity...who knows!? I certaintly know that it's been hard sometimes. And super uncomfortable. Sometimes even so unsettling! But God has been teaching me sooo much through every season. The good and the bad. The wet and the dry! He's so awesome. I just love him. Due to love and partial baby hormones, I just shed a few tears.
Anyways, I don't know where this came from...or where I'm going with any of it and I kind of lost my train of thought anyways. Maybe that's good indication that this post is over(: Oh, preggo brain. It brings forgetfulness.
End statement to this very strange blog: I love Jesus and no matter where He has me - and he's had me in some pretty intensely tough places and some intensely great ones - I will always commit my life to his will and his way. I will seek first His Kingdom. I will continue to live a burning lifestyle for my Beloved and not faint. I will take every bump and hole in the road with stride knowing that He will always love me, and continually refine me through the strongest of fires. Human I may be, but burning I remain.
There is a specific time appointed for everything that takes place on Earth. That amazes me. God is that big.
Yet God has made everything beautiful for it's own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. -Ecclesiastes 3:11
How amazing is it that God planted eternity in my heart? By the spirit, I know eternity. That is so hard to grasp almost. I have access to eternity....Why am I so carnal!? Can I not see into the eternity I've been given access to because I don't live enough in the spirit?....good question. God has made everything beautiful for it's own time. A flower. It looks beautiful for the time it's been given here on earth. Then it withers and dies. I'll only look beautiful for a time...and soon I'll follow in the footsteps of a flower. I don't really know where I'm going with this. I've just been pondering seasons a lot lately.
I know that God has put people in my life for season. My parents are with me a lifelong season. I have some friends God has given me in that same category, thankfully. I feel like I've had so many people walk in and out of my life, and for a time I didn't understand. When I fully grasped the meaning of these verses...I think I understood better. Although it's not always easy to accept. Why would God put people in our lives, then take them away? I've summed it up to this: Learning lessons. Through most in & outs I've learned lifelong lessons. Things that have helped shape me and sharpen character. I'm very thankful for friends kept and friends lost.
I know that God has put me in certain places for good reasons...er, seasons. Once upon a time...I had a whatever job making whatever money. I was content with where I was. I felt like God was leading me to another place so I followed that direction, just eager for what He had there for me. Boy, was I in for a suprise! It was awful! I happened to be alone everyday in an office so I let worship music play....loudly. I would pray and really seek an answer on why the HECK God had me in this awful place. (I had some pretty intense bosses). I never asked him to give me a way out...just asked why He had me there. Then, I felt completely released to leave this job and go back to my old job. It was the easiest transition in every way possible. God opened some pretty amazing doors! I ended up getting a higher paying job than I had even asked for! I, of course, thanked God for opening doors and closing others and again asked, "Why?"
I'll never know the technicals of what happened in that ONE month that I was gone from my first job but all I know is He made a way. He had me between a rock and hard place for a season but the rewards of my faithfulness to His word were amazingly greater than what I would have ever thought they could be.
I'm not sure if any of this makes sense. I just know that God allows us to be put in uncomfortable positions/seasons for a purpose. There is always something greater at the end of that season. A lesson, a better season, an opportunity...who knows!? I certaintly know that it's been hard sometimes. And super uncomfortable. Sometimes even so unsettling! But God has been teaching me sooo much through every season. The good and the bad. The wet and the dry! He's so awesome. I just love him. Due to love and partial baby hormones, I just shed a few tears.
Anyways, I don't know where this came from...or where I'm going with any of it and I kind of lost my train of thought anyways. Maybe that's good indication that this post is over(: Oh, preggo brain. It brings forgetfulness.
End statement to this very strange blog: I love Jesus and no matter where He has me - and he's had me in some pretty intensely tough places and some intensely great ones - I will always commit my life to his will and his way. I will seek first His Kingdom. I will continue to live a burning lifestyle for my Beloved and not faint. I will take every bump and hole in the road with stride knowing that He will always love me, and continually refine me through the strongest of fires. Human I may be, but burning I remain.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
My new found life.
Other than Jesus, Caleb is by far my best friend.
Before there was an "us", there was an "I". I would consider myself to have been most definately a social butterfly. Even though that's such a cliche'. If I was given a time and a place, I was there! And there had to be multiple people involved in whatever I was doing. I just love people.
Now there is an "us". I wouldn't trade it for the anything. If I could explain myself to some degree, I would tell you that I'm a balloon floating off to dream land....with a light weight tied to my string. So, instead of totally floating off...I kind of drift in the middle. I've seen and experienced enough in my life to remind me of the "real" and hold me down. But my dreams keep me just high enough off of the ground. Caleb has become my light weight. He was exactly what I needed to keep myself from disappearing. Or maybe he became the helium that blew me up? God knows I analyze every situation. Analyzation is surely enough to suck helium right out of me! So who he is for me...may never be completly known. The fact is this: God knew that without Caleb, I would be stuck in the mud or on planet x.
Now, instead of jumping at every opportunity to "hang", I have become a homebody. And I actually enjoy it! I don't consider myself a hermit...just someone who enjoys spending every second of every day with family. Instead of enjoying everyone else's lives, I enjoy my life. No rushing to work, dropping the kids off at nursery and enjoying gossip with the employees. Instead, I get to sit in the living room cuddled up to my best friend laughing about nothing. God is teaching me to enjoy what he's given me in my own home. I used to complain about being "closed-off". "I never see anyone anymore!" "You made me a homebody!", that's what I would say. How embarrassing. That actually came out of my mouth. Don't get me wrong, I love to hang out with friends and enjoy fellowship with those we love. I've just realized that we know a lot of people...who enjoy doing a lot of get togethers. And it's okay to say no.
You know that saying, "You're eyes were bigger than your stomach"? Yeah, I'm so bad at that.
1. Because I enjoy eating!
2. There's always so much to choose from.
I see the social scene the same way! I enjoy visiting and hanging out. And with all the people in this little/big community...well there's a lot going on i.e to choose from.
We've always said we're family people. And we're not lying. I would stay in my pajamas all day with Caleb and Eden and just watch movies. Or sit on the front porch swing and have good quality conversation while Eden plays. When Caleb is out working...and Eden is asleep in her bed. I still enjoy good quality family time with God. He's my first best friend. Anything I've laughed about with Caleb, I'm surely taking it to God. Then, I have another laugh. My favorite place to spend with him is in front of my heater (soon to be fireplace) with a big couch pillow leaned against the brick. There are a lot of tears in that carpet (soon to be wood floor). A lot of laughter has taken place there. And best of all a lot of love. "Pushing in" to others is a good thing, I don't deny that. But I've come to a place where instead of pushing in to others, I'm pushing into family. "Others" will fail me. And one day they'll be gone. I'll spend the rest of my life with Caleb so that foundation must alway stay strong. But I'll spend eternity with my beloved! Thankfully our favorite place to meet is right in my living room.
Homebody, yes you can call me that. I'll proudly wear that tag. But I've got foundation thick as steel. Butterfly's are pretty and all, but their life span only lasts a few weeks. The longest living butterfly can only live up to 12 months. I'd say their foundation is made of sand.
For someone who used to be on the go....alot. I've learned a lesson. It may not be your lesson, but it was surely one taught to someone in this world.
-The proud homebody.
Before there was an "us", there was an "I". I would consider myself to have been most definately a social butterfly. Even though that's such a cliche'. If I was given a time and a place, I was there! And there had to be multiple people involved in whatever I was doing. I just love people.
Now there is an "us". I wouldn't trade it for the anything. If I could explain myself to some degree, I would tell you that I'm a balloon floating off to dream land....with a light weight tied to my string. So, instead of totally floating off...I kind of drift in the middle. I've seen and experienced enough in my life to remind me of the "real" and hold me down. But my dreams keep me just high enough off of the ground. Caleb has become my light weight. He was exactly what I needed to keep myself from disappearing. Or maybe he became the helium that blew me up? God knows I analyze every situation. Analyzation is surely enough to suck helium right out of me! So who he is for me...may never be completly known. The fact is this: God knew that without Caleb, I would be stuck in the mud or on planet x.
Now, instead of jumping at every opportunity to "hang", I have become a homebody. And I actually enjoy it! I don't consider myself a hermit...just someone who enjoys spending every second of every day with family. Instead of enjoying everyone else's lives, I enjoy my life. No rushing to work, dropping the kids off at nursery and enjoying gossip with the employees. Instead, I get to sit in the living room cuddled up to my best friend laughing about nothing. God is teaching me to enjoy what he's given me in my own home. I used to complain about being "closed-off". "I never see anyone anymore!" "You made me a homebody!", that's what I would say. How embarrassing. That actually came out of my mouth. Don't get me wrong, I love to hang out with friends and enjoy fellowship with those we love. I've just realized that we know a lot of people...who enjoy doing a lot of get togethers. And it's okay to say no.
You know that saying, "You're eyes were bigger than your stomach"? Yeah, I'm so bad at that.
1. Because I enjoy eating!
2. There's always so much to choose from.
I see the social scene the same way! I enjoy visiting and hanging out. And with all the people in this little/big community...well there's a lot going on i.e to choose from.
We've always said we're family people. And we're not lying. I would stay in my pajamas all day with Caleb and Eden and just watch movies. Or sit on the front porch swing and have good quality conversation while Eden plays. When Caleb is out working...and Eden is asleep in her bed. I still enjoy good quality family time with God. He's my first best friend. Anything I've laughed about with Caleb, I'm surely taking it to God. Then, I have another laugh. My favorite place to spend with him is in front of my heater (soon to be fireplace) with a big couch pillow leaned against the brick. There are a lot of tears in that carpet (soon to be wood floor). A lot of laughter has taken place there. And best of all a lot of love. "Pushing in" to others is a good thing, I don't deny that. But I've come to a place where instead of pushing in to others, I'm pushing into family. "Others" will fail me. And one day they'll be gone. I'll spend the rest of my life with Caleb so that foundation must alway stay strong. But I'll spend eternity with my beloved! Thankfully our favorite place to meet is right in my living room.
Homebody, yes you can call me that. I'll proudly wear that tag. But I've got foundation thick as steel. Butterfly's are pretty and all, but their life span only lasts a few weeks. The longest living butterfly can only live up to 12 months. I'd say their foundation is made of sand.
For someone who used to be on the go....alot. I've learned a lesson. It may not be your lesson, but it was surely one taught to someone in this world.
-The proud homebody.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
A lesson learned
I learned a lesson today. One I think I've truly known was there in the back of my mind, I just ignored it.
A few times a day we go into the bathroom, close the door and Eden goes "nakey". I sit on the closed lid of the toilet and let her sit on hers. I give her a book because that's what mommy does while she's waiting on Eden. Eden likes to sit down for two seconds, hop up and get some toilet paper to "clean out the potty". She hasn't quite grasped that it's really for her. Now, a few weeks ago she actually did use her potty! We just don't know when? I should have learned this lesson that many weeks ago but....sadly, I didn't. So as we were learning how to go "potty", Eden does her usual. She sits, hops up, grabs a new book then tries to put her diaper back on!
I was so caught up in this great book I was reading that it took me a few minutes to realize that she was no longer sitting. I looked over the edge of my book to notice a messy bathroom. That's not how we entered. Two towels were strown across the floor accompanied by two books, shampoo and a the potty ended up on the other side of the bathroom. How did I miss all of this commotion? I started cleaning up when I noticed Eden had been in this frenzy because in the process of trying to return her potty to it's normal position she had in fact pee'd all on the floor. (sorry for the info but we're all adults) This could have been her 2nd time to use the potty all by herself! And I was too "caught up" to notice. In that moment I started thinking about all the times I've missed things because I've been too busy. This is why I wanted to stay at home with my children! Because I never want to miss anything....I want to raise and teach my kids. And here I am missing an opportunity of something simple yet huge! Potty training.
I know this isn't anything profound or deep and intellectual. While most things I blog aren't. I just got a nice slap across my face. Although it's something I already knew, I had just pushed the thought to the back of my mind once again. There are way too many distractions in this world. Although I wasn't caught up in some interesting movie or tv show. And I wasn't banging away on the keyboard.....I missed something very important because reading a book was more important to me than making sure my sweet Eden accomplished her potty. Instead I ended up with a huge mess to clean up and a puppy-eyed little girl who didn't understand what she did wrong. I was challenged to put aside the distractions and focus.
Even though it doesn't seem like much, I challenge you to do the same. I'm determined to spend less time reading, surfing the web, and flipping through channels....and spend more time paying attention. Even if it's to the little things like learning to potty. I've decided Eden's nap time will be my time with the Lord, reading, praying and then the extra little things. I don't forfeit God's time. And I certaintly can't forfeit Eden's time. Not anymore at least.
A few times a day we go into the bathroom, close the door and Eden goes "nakey". I sit on the closed lid of the toilet and let her sit on hers. I give her a book because that's what mommy does while she's waiting on Eden. Eden likes to sit down for two seconds, hop up and get some toilet paper to "clean out the potty". She hasn't quite grasped that it's really for her. Now, a few weeks ago she actually did use her potty! We just don't know when? I should have learned this lesson that many weeks ago but....sadly, I didn't. So as we were learning how to go "potty", Eden does her usual. She sits, hops up, grabs a new book then tries to put her diaper back on!
I was so caught up in this great book I was reading that it took me a few minutes to realize that she was no longer sitting. I looked over the edge of my book to notice a messy bathroom. That's not how we entered. Two towels were strown across the floor accompanied by two books, shampoo and a the potty ended up on the other side of the bathroom. How did I miss all of this commotion? I started cleaning up when I noticed Eden had been in this frenzy because in the process of trying to return her potty to it's normal position she had in fact pee'd all on the floor. (sorry for the info but we're all adults) This could have been her 2nd time to use the potty all by herself! And I was too "caught up" to notice. In that moment I started thinking about all the times I've missed things because I've been too busy. This is why I wanted to stay at home with my children! Because I never want to miss anything....I want to raise and teach my kids. And here I am missing an opportunity of something simple yet huge! Potty training.
I know this isn't anything profound or deep and intellectual. While most things I blog aren't. I just got a nice slap across my face. Although it's something I already knew, I had just pushed the thought to the back of my mind once again. There are way too many distractions in this world. Although I wasn't caught up in some interesting movie or tv show. And I wasn't banging away on the keyboard.....I missed something very important because reading a book was more important to me than making sure my sweet Eden accomplished her potty. Instead I ended up with a huge mess to clean up and a puppy-eyed little girl who didn't understand what she did wrong. I was challenged to put aside the distractions and focus.
Even though it doesn't seem like much, I challenge you to do the same. I'm determined to spend less time reading, surfing the web, and flipping through channels....and spend more time paying attention. Even if it's to the little things like learning to potty. I've decided Eden's nap time will be my time with the Lord, reading, praying and then the extra little things. I don't forfeit God's time. And I certaintly can't forfeit Eden's time. Not anymore at least.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
I am strong through Jesus Christ.
I'm sure most of you know by now, but for those of you who don't...we're pregnant!
Growing up, I've always heard that baby #2 isn't quite as exciting. Only because you've already gone through the "newness excitement" with the first. I considered them stretching the truth a bit. But I actually feel the same way! Although I am truly excited...it's just not the same. I am going to prove myself wrong though. I've come to the conclusion thus far that the excitement is dull...ONLY because it's mixed with that overwhelming feeling of, "Oh my, two babies!? How am I going to do this?"
If you're anything like me...which I consider myself strange in this aspect...I lay awake in the bed for at least an hour thinking before actually falling asleep. Caleb is long gone....twitching and sleep-talking. But me, I'm wide-awake. The first night of our new baby discovery, I lay there for at least 2 hours. I asked my best friend, "How do I do this? How can I love another baby as much as I love Eden? Can we afford two kids?". So, you can imagine the questions brewing. I'm sure most of you with multiple kids know my questions. Grace. That was the only answer to any of my questions. Most of the time...when I go to ask God a question...I already know the answer. I just want him to reassure me of myself. Not always....but usually. Even then, I scrunch my face and would really like him to say something like, "Money is going to grow on your tree. Go fishing and you'll find a coin. I'm sending Gabriel to nanny." You know....ridiculous things. (I still don't put it past him though (: ). So day 2 rolls around of my new knowings and I do the same thing that day AND night. Same answer. Blah! Those were my thoughts. Then a rebuke. Why can't I just be content with what the God of ALL universes, the maker of ALL things says? There I lay. Too scared to ask another word. I found the courage to tell Him, "Through you I am strong. By you I have the grace. I can do this!"
Everyday I find myself telling MYSELF, "You are strong. You can do this." I'm not sure if this is a common thing others go through but I know that God is taking me on yet another journey. 21 with two children. Both under the age of 3. I know though, that it is only by my Jesus that I have the strength to stay halfway sane. It is only by God that I have the grace to know that all of my needs will be met. All of OUR needs. Worry dominates the thoughts of unbelievers! He tells me that if I seek first HIS Kingdom and live righteously....he will give me everything I need. At least that's what Matthew 6:28:31 says. (My version is obviously seriously summarized)
So today again, I tell myself, "I am strong, only by Jesus. Only through Him will I survive this thing called Motherhood."
Growing up, I've always heard that baby #2 isn't quite as exciting. Only because you've already gone through the "newness excitement" with the first. I considered them stretching the truth a bit. But I actually feel the same way! Although I am truly excited...it's just not the same. I am going to prove myself wrong though. I've come to the conclusion thus far that the excitement is dull...ONLY because it's mixed with that overwhelming feeling of, "Oh my, two babies!? How am I going to do this?"
If you're anything like me...which I consider myself strange in this aspect...I lay awake in the bed for at least an hour thinking before actually falling asleep. Caleb is long gone....twitching and sleep-talking. But me, I'm wide-awake. The first night of our new baby discovery, I lay there for at least 2 hours. I asked my best friend, "How do I do this? How can I love another baby as much as I love Eden? Can we afford two kids?". So, you can imagine the questions brewing. I'm sure most of you with multiple kids know my questions. Grace. That was the only answer to any of my questions. Most of the time...when I go to ask God a question...I already know the answer. I just want him to reassure me of myself. Not always....but usually. Even then, I scrunch my face and would really like him to say something like, "Money is going to grow on your tree. Go fishing and you'll find a coin. I'm sending Gabriel to nanny." You know....ridiculous things. (I still don't put it past him though (: ). So day 2 rolls around of my new knowings and I do the same thing that day AND night. Same answer. Blah! Those were my thoughts. Then a rebuke. Why can't I just be content with what the God of ALL universes, the maker of ALL things says? There I lay. Too scared to ask another word. I found the courage to tell Him, "Through you I am strong. By you I have the grace. I can do this!"
Everyday I find myself telling MYSELF, "You are strong. You can do this." I'm not sure if this is a common thing others go through but I know that God is taking me on yet another journey. 21 with two children. Both under the age of 3. I know though, that it is only by my Jesus that I have the strength to stay halfway sane. It is only by God that I have the grace to know that all of my needs will be met. All of OUR needs. Worry dominates the thoughts of unbelievers! He tells me that if I seek first HIS Kingdom and live righteously....he will give me everything I need. At least that's what Matthew 6:28:31 says. (My version is obviously seriously summarized)
So today again, I tell myself, "I am strong, only by Jesus. Only through Him will I survive this thing called Motherhood."
Friday, October 29, 2010
Poems & Recipes
After releasing some tension in my previous post I felt I should lighten my next! I've never done two blogs in one day but I'm feeling this is necessary considering I was so icy earlier. I promise I love every single person regardless of the way they worship or live. I always have and always will. Although love seems far from me today....
I read this poem in my new read, themommydiaries. It's a wonderful book with stories from different mommies who find themselves through the chaos of motherhood.
When you reach the proper age
I will teach you to read and you can turn the pages
How to dress and tie your shoes Your one plus ones, and your two times two's
And you'll teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the most important things
And all that I have lost along the way And I can't wait
As you grow, I'll show you things
How to ride your bike and kick your legs out on the swings
To fold your hands and bow your head
To say your prayers before you go to bed
And you'll teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the most important things
And all that I have lost along the way
And I can't wait
How do you sleep so peacefully?
How do you trust so unflinchingly?
How do you love so faithfully?
How do you dance so joyfully?
And you'll teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the mots important things
And all that I have lost along the way
And I can't
No I can't
Come teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the most essential things
And all that I have lost along the way
And I can't wait
-Sara Groves
I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did!
Next is a recipe for Mexican Cornbread-My new favorite!! This seemed right for the new season we're in(:
1 1/3 cups self-rising meal
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese (can add more)
3 eggs
1 cup chopped onion
1 can cream style corn
3/4 cup oil
1/2 cup milk
a little salt
2-5 jalapeno peppers
Bake at 400 degrees for 35-40 minutes. Makes a big iron skillet full.
I hope you enjoy this as much as I love it!!
I read this poem in my new read, themommydiaries. It's a wonderful book with stories from different mommies who find themselves through the chaos of motherhood.
When you reach the proper age
I will teach you to read and you can turn the pages
How to dress and tie your shoes Your one plus ones, and your two times two's
And you'll teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the most important things
And all that I have lost along the way And I can't wait
As you grow, I'll show you things
How to ride your bike and kick your legs out on the swings
To fold your hands and bow your head
To say your prayers before you go to bed
And you'll teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the most important things
And all that I have lost along the way
And I can't wait
How do you sleep so peacefully?
How do you trust so unflinchingly?
How do you love so faithfully?
How do you dance so joyfully?
And you'll teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the mots important things
And all that I have lost along the way
And I can't
No I can't
Come teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the most essential things
And all that I have lost along the way
And I can't wait
-Sara Groves
I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did!
Next is a recipe for Mexican Cornbread-My new favorite!! This seemed right for the new season we're in(:
1 1/3 cups self-rising meal
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese (can add more)
3 eggs
1 cup chopped onion
1 can cream style corn
3/4 cup oil
1/2 cup milk
a little salt
2-5 jalapeno peppers
Bake at 400 degrees for 35-40 minutes. Makes a big iron skillet full.
I hope you enjoy this as much as I love it!!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Great is thy Faithfulness!
Great is thy faithfulness, Great is thy faithfulness; Morning by morning new mercies I see!! All I have needed thy hand hath provided. Great is thy faithfulness; Lord unto thee.
Culpepper Lawn Care- Caleb & his brother's business during the summer....
Culpepper Deer Processing- Caleb's business during the winter....
Once the "grass cuttin" was over we were super excited for "deer season" to hurry up and get here. There was a two week break between the two so we spend a lot of time getting his processing room prepared; which included not only cleaning but some extra money had to go to new signs, seasonings, fat ( gross, I know ), etc...
Bow season comes before gun season. Unfortunately there are not a lot of bow hunters in Hamilon, Al. So along comes Friday, the first day of Bow season and we only get ONE deer. Hey, that's better than nothing! So we just thanked the Lord and hoped for more the next day. By Monday we had received 5 deer! Although we were so thankful for more deer...we knew it wasn't enough to pay our bills. Worry is not something we allow into our home anymore! We experienced some true refining in the "faith" department last year so I just spent extra quality time in prayer and reminded God (although he very well knows) that He has all of my trust. I'm so thankful I have a Faithful God! He will NEVER fail us!
Tuesday morning, although knowing the mail doesn't come until noon, I walked to my mailbox. Even now I'm not sure why...I opened the door and nothing was there. But as I had been walking towards the mailbox I heard that old hymn "Great is thy faithfulness!" (song at the top). I continued to sing the song for the next two hours straight. I even walked in Caleb's processing room and told him, "God is taking care of us. No worrying!" I got lost with the Lord and enjoyed time well spent with Holy Spirit. So, noon rolled around and I walked back down to the mailbox singing my new favorite song! I opened the mailbox and there laid a small envelope with nothing but a $1200 check. Great is HIS faithfulness! I'm not sure why I'm sharing this story today but I pray that it be a testimony of faith to someone.
Everything that I need He provides. Everything that WE need He provides. The past year and half that I have lived here we have never been without. Whether it be through someone else, or just a complete miracle that cannot be explained, God has taken care of us and He always will. He'll do the same for you!
On another note, I wanted to say to those of you who have tried to comment and were not able to...I think? you have to have an account also. But I thank you for going the extra mile and texting me or commenting on my facebook. You've been an encouragement whether you knew it or not to keep blogging! I thank God for each and everyone of you! and I pray His blessings over you! Be encouraged today. God is faithful.
Culpepper Lawn Care- Caleb & his brother's business during the summer....
Culpepper Deer Processing- Caleb's business during the winter....
Once the "grass cuttin" was over we were super excited for "deer season" to hurry up and get here. There was a two week break between the two so we spend a lot of time getting his processing room prepared; which included not only cleaning but some extra money had to go to new signs, seasonings, fat ( gross, I know ), etc...
Bow season comes before gun season. Unfortunately there are not a lot of bow hunters in Hamilon, Al. So along comes Friday, the first day of Bow season and we only get ONE deer. Hey, that's better than nothing! So we just thanked the Lord and hoped for more the next day. By Monday we had received 5 deer! Although we were so thankful for more deer...we knew it wasn't enough to pay our bills. Worry is not something we allow into our home anymore! We experienced some true refining in the "faith" department last year so I just spent extra quality time in prayer and reminded God (although he very well knows) that He has all of my trust. I'm so thankful I have a Faithful God! He will NEVER fail us!
Tuesday morning, although knowing the mail doesn't come until noon, I walked to my mailbox. Even now I'm not sure why...I opened the door and nothing was there. But as I had been walking towards the mailbox I heard that old hymn "Great is thy faithfulness!" (song at the top). I continued to sing the song for the next two hours straight. I even walked in Caleb's processing room and told him, "God is taking care of us. No worrying!" I got lost with the Lord and enjoyed time well spent with Holy Spirit. So, noon rolled around and I walked back down to the mailbox singing my new favorite song! I opened the mailbox and there laid a small envelope with nothing but a $1200 check. Great is HIS faithfulness! I'm not sure why I'm sharing this story today but I pray that it be a testimony of faith to someone.
Everything that I need He provides. Everything that WE need He provides. The past year and half that I have lived here we have never been without. Whether it be through someone else, or just a complete miracle that cannot be explained, God has taken care of us and He always will. He'll do the same for you!
On another note, I wanted to say to those of you who have tried to comment and were not able to...I think? you have to have an account also. But I thank you for going the extra mile and texting me or commenting on my facebook. You've been an encouragement whether you knew it or not to keep blogging! I thank God for each and everyone of you! and I pray His blessings over you! Be encouraged today. God is faithful.
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