We weren't able to be a part of Winter Ramp 2010 in Chattanooga this year and it was definitely a sad day in the neighborhood. Caleb's work schedule is basically 7am-9pm. I'm convinced that Hamilton folks don't use their phones much! (: We've been in the middle of dinner and here come lights up the driveway. Then it's just me and Eden left eating dinner. No date nights. No small getaways. Holidays are pretty rough too. And worst of all, no conferences. BUT, it only lasts 4 months. Although it can be hard at times we are making it!
Watching the services from home made me antsy! We both wished we could be there in the glory with 8000 people! It most definitely would have been an honor knowing we were helping lead so many people in worship of Jesus. Just being able to worship Jesus WITH so many people would have been amazing. Knowing that He is not confined to one area made my heart settle though. He made His presence very known right here in my living room. Although I wasn't there physically, the glory came and I worshipped Jesus with those 8000 people today. I love Him. He doesn't leave anyone out.
Yesterday Caleb and I finalized our vacation/anniversary trip to Las Vegas. I know, I know..sin city you say?! The light shines brighter than the dark. A light is seen because there is darkness. We're taking the light with us. We are in our third year of marriage. Our first anniversary we lived in Meridian. Guess where we went for our anniversary? Hamilton, Al. Yep, that's right. We came to conference. Our second anniversary we visited my Aunt and Uncle in Grenada, MS. So, we decided it was time to take a trip for ourselves. Caleb has been to Vegas before and absolutely loved it. There is always something going on...and yes, there are plenty of PG-rated things to do! We plan on seeing some great shows, shopping, going to see the Grand Canyon and Hoover Dam and much more. Our hotel has a spa in it...so you know I'll be getting a pregnancy massage! Watch out Vegas...I'll see you Feb 13!
I'm glad to say that I've finally reached week 13/14 of pregnancy! I was never sick or nauseated with Eden but this little butterbean has been different. I guess it's true when they say all pregnancies are different! Every morning I would just come curl up in a ball in the recliner too nauseated to move. All the foods I used to love made me want to throw up with the exception of sweets. I was pretty healthy with Eden throughout the pregnancy. This one has been a whole other story! Not once in the 7 weeks I knew of our new lamb did I cook a meal. And cleaning was a minimum. Now that I'm past the fatigue and nausea I am happy to say that I have a VERY clean house along with a meal cooked EVERY single night for my wonderful husband and daughter. I was so excited to wake up feeling great that I made a list of all the things I missed eating while feeling queasy. We've been eating good ever since(:
Knowing my house was not clean made me have some serious anxiety! Not only was I nauseous and tired out of my mind but I was very ill at every person that came in and added to the craziness. Thank you Jesus we're over that! Now I have the energy to clean up my after my "little tornado"! Along with my other child, Caleb(: and myself. Things are starting to look up around here!
Part 3 of my struggles has been put on hold through the holidays. It seems that so much has been going on along with all the thoughts I have..I can't process it all fast enough. So although you won't be hearing about it just yet, God is still doing a mighty work in me. He's helped me work through a lot but like I said I have too many thoughts trying to be processed in my pregnancy brain. Not only that but some things have to be cherished until it's time to be shared. We're still cherishing moments together(: At the end of my day, regardless of all we go through, He is still God. I don't see this as being "how it is" the rest of my days. But even if it was, He would still be God. He will always be my provider, even if it's not to what I see as provision. He will always be who I need Him to be. I love Him no matter what and He knows that.
Now, it's time for me to put my little frog down for a nap and go help Caleb process deer. Yes, I will be putting my hands in raw deer meat. Think about us while you have your normal jobs(: LOL!
<3
I'm adding this after my first post: Today Mrs. Karen said, "God will reward your faithfulness, even if it is SOMEDAY!" This really hit home with me with everything we've been through. I always remember the scripture that says (excuse the choppiness I don't have my bible handy), "...for he will bring our darkest secrets to light and will reveal our private motives. Then God will give to to each one whatever praise is due." Corinthians 4:4-6?
I know that we have been faithful with what we've been given. We have been faithful with God and what he's asked of us. It's been hard to understand where our reward has been. When Mrs. Karen said this it just hit a place on my heart. Honestly it was encouraging for me to know that I may not have my reward yet, but someday I will hold it. I believe that with all of my heart. And daily we call it forth! I may not see it yet, and you may not see it yet...but it's there and it's coming! Be encouraged!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
The enemy within me PT 2
For those of you beginning to read this blog, I recommend that you read the previous one first. As the title states it's Part 2(:
We are daily being purged of those things that are not of God. (1 Corinthians 15:31) Daily I find myself facing some sort of flesh in my way of becoming closer to the One I love. I'm far past the "serious" sins, although no one is greater than another. My dealings are normally with attitude, judgement, and the biggest one yet: Envy! One thing I pray constantly is this: God purge me of all unrighteousness today! Anything that is not of you, teach me to rid myself of it. Have you ever heard this saying: Don't ask for patience because He sure will teach you patience! or even this one: Be careful what you ask for! Yeah, when it lines up with the will of God, you're definitely going to get it! And I'm sure we can all agree that leading a life of righteousness is the will of God.
In Bob Sorge's Envy, He writes this, "Envy is an iniquity of the heart that is not seen until an occasion calls it forth." Some occasion has called for this iniquity of my heart. Through gritted teeth, I can honestly say that I am thankful for this. That means my prayers have been heard. Now as most of you know, Caleb and I were very secure financially when we lived in Meridian. That is something we definitely fought hard for considering family AND friends made sure we knew that we would not make it at such a "young age". When God has a plan, he has a plan. We said, "Yes" to all plans He had for us. We know that no dream of man can bring us contentment and joy like the plan of the Lord. So, to Hamilton he brought us! I know that we have grown in more ways than one in this place. We've been taught valuable lessons and grown tremendously spiritually! Knowing that God has heard my prayers of being made righteous, I believe he's brought me to this place emotionally and financially to do just that. Daily he's been unveiling things in my own heart and thought-life that have been detrimental to myself. All concerning this thing called envy. Not only with our financial issues now but also that he put us in a community where other servants are called of God to work in the same "vineyard". Those who are also laboring fervently. Those who have become more fruitful! Secretly I can admit...er confess, that I have envied in that!
God took me back to a well known scripture. "Love does not envy...." How did I not get that? I have had an evil eye. Matthew 6:23 says, "Your eye is a lamp for your body. A PURE EYE lets sunshine into your soul. But an evil eye shuts out the light and PLUNGES you into darkness. If the light you think you have is really darkness, how deep that darkness will be!" That's intense. So all along I've not loved out of a "pure heart/eye". I have not preferred others out of love. I have envied out of an evil eye. Bob Sorge says this, "When we truly walk in love with each other, we will do violence to the carnal passions aroused by envy." Talk about a stomp on the enemy.
God allows us to go through these seasons to prepare us for our DESTINY! In these deep dark places are where we can go deep with God. Obviously it's the time that we "search" for Him the most. The easy seasons are where we soar on the nearness we've gained from the danky seasons. I am finding the river that I will feed on for many seasons to come.
Since I've said yes to dying daily in all actuality I commited to a life of being crucified with Christ. That ALL flesh must be crucified. Sin can have no dominion over me. I want the Kingdom. Therefore, flesh must be crucified. 1 Corinthians 15:50 says, "...flesh and blood cannot inherit the Kingdom of God." When I read that I automatically say yes again. Yes to this hard...HARD season.
Envy happens when, after setting our heart or eye upon a lofty goal, one of our peers moves toward that goal more quickly than we do (Psalm 131:1-2). Yes, I want things.
I want:
A new vehicle. To own my home. Mainly so I can put new floor down, finish painting and get this awful ugly carpet out of my room. I want to have greatness among many other things. I know not everything I want is possible. That is why We are told to set our heart upong the upward call of God. NOT to set our hearts on the "lofty" and "haughty" heights that are beyond me.
One thing I've learned is the motherly nurturing part of God. When there are things that we want, especially those things that are beyond us, God withholds what we want in order to change our desires. Yes, it's frustrating. Mainly when we believe that the things that we so desire are "of God". That frustration turns to anger (Been there!).....and then to heartache. Been there! But just like a mother weaning her child from the breast, we are weaned from those desires. We go through the same pattern that a child does. Emotions and all. Then comes the solid food! I want to be so satisified with the things that God has given ME. Psalm 131 has helped me relate this to my life.
Sometimes God takes us on 'detours'. Although we may not understand them at the time, there is a purpose. Once someone tried to justify to me, "This is not God's will" because it was a 'hard time'. God reminded me of Job. Three friends came to him to justify how his hardship was not the "will of God". He MUST have done something wrong. If not him, his kids had sinned. They gave their petition of why it "couldn't be the will of God". All the while, as we know from the beginning of the book, it was God's allowance all along. There was a PURPOSE behind his 'detour'. So through all of this I have constantly checked my heart and my intentions. I've come to the realization of my envy and bitterness. And God is helping me overcome this situation! He is empowering me to become refined. To become a utensil that He can use. (2Tim 2:20).
Again, understand the great news behind this blogs. Trust me, I know it's sad. LOL! I've cried many many tears. But life is not about having the "finer things". Although it brings a plus. Christmas is not about presents under a tree. It's about Jesus! And my heartache is not God punishing me. It is about Him loving me. I have a great and powerful destiny. With that comes the training of Grace for an annointing.
I...AM....THANKFUL!
We are daily being purged of those things that are not of God. (1 Corinthians 15:31) Daily I find myself facing some sort of flesh in my way of becoming closer to the One I love. I'm far past the "serious" sins, although no one is greater than another. My dealings are normally with attitude, judgement, and the biggest one yet: Envy! One thing I pray constantly is this: God purge me of all unrighteousness today! Anything that is not of you, teach me to rid myself of it. Have you ever heard this saying: Don't ask for patience because He sure will teach you patience! or even this one: Be careful what you ask for! Yeah, when it lines up with the will of God, you're definitely going to get it! And I'm sure we can all agree that leading a life of righteousness is the will of God.
In Bob Sorge's Envy, He writes this, "Envy is an iniquity of the heart that is not seen until an occasion calls it forth." Some occasion has called for this iniquity of my heart. Through gritted teeth, I can honestly say that I am thankful for this. That means my prayers have been heard. Now as most of you know, Caleb and I were very secure financially when we lived in Meridian. That is something we definitely fought hard for considering family AND friends made sure we knew that we would not make it at such a "young age". When God has a plan, he has a plan. We said, "Yes" to all plans He had for us. We know that no dream of man can bring us contentment and joy like the plan of the Lord. So, to Hamilton he brought us! I know that we have grown in more ways than one in this place. We've been taught valuable lessons and grown tremendously spiritually! Knowing that God has heard my prayers of being made righteous, I believe he's brought me to this place emotionally and financially to do just that. Daily he's been unveiling things in my own heart and thought-life that have been detrimental to myself. All concerning this thing called envy. Not only with our financial issues now but also that he put us in a community where other servants are called of God to work in the same "vineyard". Those who are also laboring fervently. Those who have become more fruitful! Secretly I can admit...er confess, that I have envied in that!
God took me back to a well known scripture. "Love does not envy...." How did I not get that? I have had an evil eye. Matthew 6:23 says, "Your eye is a lamp for your body. A PURE EYE lets sunshine into your soul. But an evil eye shuts out the light and PLUNGES you into darkness. If the light you think you have is really darkness, how deep that darkness will be!" That's intense. So all along I've not loved out of a "pure heart/eye". I have not preferred others out of love. I have envied out of an evil eye. Bob Sorge says this, "When we truly walk in love with each other, we will do violence to the carnal passions aroused by envy." Talk about a stomp on the enemy.
God allows us to go through these seasons to prepare us for our DESTINY! In these deep dark places are where we can go deep with God. Obviously it's the time that we "search" for Him the most. The easy seasons are where we soar on the nearness we've gained from the danky seasons. I am finding the river that I will feed on for many seasons to come.
Since I've said yes to dying daily in all actuality I commited to a life of being crucified with Christ. That ALL flesh must be crucified. Sin can have no dominion over me. I want the Kingdom. Therefore, flesh must be crucified. 1 Corinthians 15:50 says, "...flesh and blood cannot inherit the Kingdom of God." When I read that I automatically say yes again. Yes to this hard...HARD season.
Envy happens when, after setting our heart or eye upon a lofty goal, one of our peers moves toward that goal more quickly than we do (Psalm 131:1-2). Yes, I want things.
I want:
A new vehicle. To own my home. Mainly so I can put new floor down, finish painting and get this awful ugly carpet out of my room. I want to have greatness among many other things. I know not everything I want is possible. That is why We are told to set our heart upong the upward call of God. NOT to set our hearts on the "lofty" and "haughty" heights that are beyond me.
One thing I've learned is the motherly nurturing part of God. When there are things that we want, especially those things that are beyond us, God withholds what we want in order to change our desires. Yes, it's frustrating. Mainly when we believe that the things that we so desire are "of God". That frustration turns to anger (Been there!).....and then to heartache. Been there! But just like a mother weaning her child from the breast, we are weaned from those desires. We go through the same pattern that a child does. Emotions and all. Then comes the solid food! I want to be so satisified with the things that God has given ME. Psalm 131 has helped me relate this to my life.
Sometimes God takes us on 'detours'. Although we may not understand them at the time, there is a purpose. Once someone tried to justify to me, "This is not God's will" because it was a 'hard time'. God reminded me of Job. Three friends came to him to justify how his hardship was not the "will of God". He MUST have done something wrong. If not him, his kids had sinned. They gave their petition of why it "couldn't be the will of God". All the while, as we know from the beginning of the book, it was God's allowance all along. There was a PURPOSE behind his 'detour'. So through all of this I have constantly checked my heart and my intentions. I've come to the realization of my envy and bitterness. And God is helping me overcome this situation! He is empowering me to become refined. To become a utensil that He can use. (2Tim 2:20).
Again, understand the great news behind this blogs. Trust me, I know it's sad. LOL! I've cried many many tears. But life is not about having the "finer things". Although it brings a plus. Christmas is not about presents under a tree. It's about Jesus! And my heartache is not God punishing me. It is about Him loving me. I have a great and powerful destiny. With that comes the training of Grace for an annointing.
I...AM....THANKFUL!
Friday, December 10, 2010
The enemy within me.
A blog has been far and few between for me lately. Between the nausea, fatigue and hecticness of life lately...there hasn't been much room for it. Although, God has been doing a serious work in me! I'll share...forewarning..its long.
As most of you know from previous post, September and October we had absolutely no income. Besides of course the miracle check that appeared in our mailbox. November 15th actually was the beginning date of "real" deer season. Not to mention we were supposed to be buying our home officially at the beginning of November...which didn't happen. The owners of the house are in bad health and at a very old age. My heart was to get them their money asap. I love them VERY much! But along with this upsetting news came more upsetting news after more upsetting news and I could continue this list on and on...That began a whirlwind of mass chaos in the world of me. Of course what else do you do but get on your face and cry out to God?! So, that's what I did.
I literally had snot coming out of my nose. Yes, gross. Out of many emotions, mostly anger...I slammed my fists against the floor until they turned red. I yelled a lot. I told God I was very mad at him. Followed by a "real sorry". Accompanied by even MORE snot and tears. It's hard to be angry with someone you love so much! It's even harder knowing that He's provided all that I have. HELLO! "Mysterious check!"....I would yell some hurting thought, then say "I know!". Now, looking back I smirk even though my eyes are tear-filled. My tongue has released the word hate a lot lately. "I hate the 'holidays'!" "I hate this place" "I hate, I hate, I hate...". It was not until Caleb pointed it out that I realized how often I began using such a terrible word. The worst part is that deep down I felt the root it was connected to but didn't have the strength to uproot it!
It aggravates me when people say, "It's going to be okay". The response I'd like to shoot back? "You have NO idea what is going to be okay. Walk a mile in my shoes, THEN tell me that again." Harsh. I know. I've learned for myself how easy it is to assure someone life will be grand when life is indeed grand on my end of the stick. How about putting myself in the other person's position, truly knowing what's going on, then proceed from there? Honestly, I don't need a "new" scripture or some lengthy..."Oh, God loves you so much He wants the best for you...." line. I know it quite well, thank you. I've learned that sometimes the things we think are not "God's Will"...indeed are. Hello, Job.
So, as I am ranting to God about my anger, hurt and even how I know He has me....He leads me to this passage: Psalm 73...I was so confused at first, then quickly came to a place of brokenness, realizing that I am this person. Envy & bitterness have snuck its conniving way into my heart. I hope you know how hard that was to type. Admitting it was even harder. But I knew without a doubt that Holy spirit took me straight there for a reason. Who can deny Him? So at the top of my journal I wrote, "This is my prayer for today...." And in my own words wrote this passage. Going from a place of provision and security to Hamilton, Al....literally saving pennies....did uncover this terrible sin in my life. I was at the point of looking back at the "good old days" asking God, "Why?..." Does He know the Hell I've been through? That I haven't wore makeup in weeks because I know I'm going to cry it right off! I haven't left my house in days to save money? And, staying in this house has caused me more envy and bitterness towards all of the people I know who can LEAVE their house?! Does He know I have absolutely NO christmas presents to give my daughter? And that she only has FOUR outfits to last her through the winter....? Does He know?! -Please understand this is not being put out for pity. He has showed me much through this, and is STILL showing me much through this chaotic mess I'm still struggling to overcome. At the end of Psalm 73 it says, "Yet I still belong to you; you are holding my right hand. You will keep on guiding me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in Heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever!" There is a happy ending somewhere in the midst of the turmoil.
About a week and a half ago we had to go to Tupelo to fetch some stuff for the business. I had this gripping at my gut the whole way. I really didn't want to spend ANY money. Owning your own business you NEVER know what will be left over for the next month because you may not make ANYTHING for weeks. I was very quiet most of the way. Totally not normal. We stopped at Chick-fil-a and grabbed lunch. I asked Caleb could I forfeit my lunch and use the $7 I would have spent to buy Eden something to wear. He didn't think I was serious. We headed back home and we began talking about the new baby. He was curious why I don't talk to him/her as much. SO ashamed I held back some serious tears to explain...Without shedding one tear I managed to get it out. Silence. Then all of a sudden it was like Niagra Falls exploded. My sandwich flew out of my mouth accompanied with sobs and some sweet tea. I couldn't pinpoint an exact emotion, but the fact that it was definitely ALL but the good ones that triggered this. If you asked Caleb, he would describe me as "hard". I don't cry much, if any. The only times he has truly seen me cry is with the Lord. This he had never witnessed before so He wasn't quite sure how to respond. I know he was hurting just as much as I was.
There has always been one story I've let him into that I'm sure he can recite perfectly. My parents got divorced when I was 12, my sister was 7 and my brother was still in utero. Together my parents did well financially. Apart my mother struggled. One night I sat at our island in the kitchen staring hopelessly at my mom as she sobbed on the phone with her mom. She kept saying, "I dont know what I'm going to do!" Here she was with all of this responsibility and no way to provide financially for everything. In my heart I made a vow. I will NEVER have to experience that. My children will never have to witness me in shambles because my bills can't be paid. Never say never right? Here I am with food, drink, snot and tears all over our truck. Crying as hard as I've cried in a long time. Like...weird noises escaping from my throat and all. Nothing could console me. I made sure God knew how upset I was. Caleb patted my shoulder, rubbed my arm and wiped my tears. All the while Eden sat and watched me telling me, "Shhh..mommy". (Totally didn't make me feel better, though I wish it had). I was taken back to that day I sat and watched my mom do the same thing. I hope Eden never remembers that day.
That day I first told you God brought me to the scripture...well Holy Spirit told me to read the book Envy-Bob Sorge. Reading it more than once was and is and will always be a must. I haven't decided yet if this is the hand God has dealt me, or if I'm just in a "Job" season. Maybe God is strengthening me to carry the grace we will soon be given for the sphere God has alloted us. As I said before, I'm still very intensely experiencing this. Still trying to overcome a battle. Still trying to accept what's been given me.
It's 2 weeks until Christmas. I still have not one thing for one person. I have a very bare "dream tree". Have already overdrawn my bank account paying bills. And Eden still only has 4 outfits for winter. Not to mention nothing afterwards. I still break down multiple times a day. I have told God twice today that I'm still mad....but only at myself. I can't be mad knowing that I'm being refined like silver and gold day after day by the only One who knows my past and my future. Yes, my future. I keep reminding myself that there is a GLORIOUS destiny at the end of this very dark tunnel. If it leads me home, it leads me home. If it commands I stay in Hamilton, I stay in Hamilton. Again I say, I am a willing vessel and I say yes! Break me and rip me apart. The outside may look weak...but you still remain the strength of my heart!
I look forward to updating you on my quest to find and hold pure joy, pure love.
As most of you know from previous post, September and October we had absolutely no income. Besides of course the miracle check that appeared in our mailbox. November 15th actually was the beginning date of "real" deer season. Not to mention we were supposed to be buying our home officially at the beginning of November...which didn't happen. The owners of the house are in bad health and at a very old age. My heart was to get them their money asap. I love them VERY much! But along with this upsetting news came more upsetting news after more upsetting news and I could continue this list on and on...That began a whirlwind of mass chaos in the world of me. Of course what else do you do but get on your face and cry out to God?! So, that's what I did.
I literally had snot coming out of my nose. Yes, gross. Out of many emotions, mostly anger...I slammed my fists against the floor until they turned red. I yelled a lot. I told God I was very mad at him. Followed by a "real sorry". Accompanied by even MORE snot and tears. It's hard to be angry with someone you love so much! It's even harder knowing that He's provided all that I have. HELLO! "Mysterious check!"....I would yell some hurting thought, then say "I know!". Now, looking back I smirk even though my eyes are tear-filled. My tongue has released the word hate a lot lately. "I hate the 'holidays'!" "I hate this place" "I hate, I hate, I hate...". It was not until Caleb pointed it out that I realized how often I began using such a terrible word. The worst part is that deep down I felt the root it was connected to but didn't have the strength to uproot it!
It aggravates me when people say, "It's going to be okay". The response I'd like to shoot back? "You have NO idea what is going to be okay. Walk a mile in my shoes, THEN tell me that again." Harsh. I know. I've learned for myself how easy it is to assure someone life will be grand when life is indeed grand on my end of the stick. How about putting myself in the other person's position, truly knowing what's going on, then proceed from there? Honestly, I don't need a "new" scripture or some lengthy..."Oh, God loves you so much He wants the best for you...." line. I know it quite well, thank you. I've learned that sometimes the things we think are not "God's Will"...indeed are. Hello, Job.
So, as I am ranting to God about my anger, hurt and even how I know He has me....He leads me to this passage: Psalm 73...I was so confused at first, then quickly came to a place of brokenness, realizing that I am this person. Envy & bitterness have snuck its conniving way into my heart. I hope you know how hard that was to type. Admitting it was even harder. But I knew without a doubt that Holy spirit took me straight there for a reason. Who can deny Him? So at the top of my journal I wrote, "This is my prayer for today...." And in my own words wrote this passage. Going from a place of provision and security to Hamilton, Al....literally saving pennies....did uncover this terrible sin in my life. I was at the point of looking back at the "good old days" asking God, "Why?..." Does He know the Hell I've been through? That I haven't wore makeup in weeks because I know I'm going to cry it right off! I haven't left my house in days to save money? And, staying in this house has caused me more envy and bitterness towards all of the people I know who can LEAVE their house?! Does He know I have absolutely NO christmas presents to give my daughter? And that she only has FOUR outfits to last her through the winter....? Does He know?! -Please understand this is not being put out for pity. He has showed me much through this, and is STILL showing me much through this chaotic mess I'm still struggling to overcome. At the end of Psalm 73 it says, "Yet I still belong to you; you are holding my right hand. You will keep on guiding me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in Heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever!" There is a happy ending somewhere in the midst of the turmoil.
About a week and a half ago we had to go to Tupelo to fetch some stuff for the business. I had this gripping at my gut the whole way. I really didn't want to spend ANY money. Owning your own business you NEVER know what will be left over for the next month because you may not make ANYTHING for weeks. I was very quiet most of the way. Totally not normal. We stopped at Chick-fil-a and grabbed lunch. I asked Caleb could I forfeit my lunch and use the $7 I would have spent to buy Eden something to wear. He didn't think I was serious. We headed back home and we began talking about the new baby. He was curious why I don't talk to him/her as much. SO ashamed I held back some serious tears to explain...Without shedding one tear I managed to get it out. Silence. Then all of a sudden it was like Niagra Falls exploded. My sandwich flew out of my mouth accompanied with sobs and some sweet tea. I couldn't pinpoint an exact emotion, but the fact that it was definitely ALL but the good ones that triggered this. If you asked Caleb, he would describe me as "hard". I don't cry much, if any. The only times he has truly seen me cry is with the Lord. This he had never witnessed before so He wasn't quite sure how to respond. I know he was hurting just as much as I was.
There has always been one story I've let him into that I'm sure he can recite perfectly. My parents got divorced when I was 12, my sister was 7 and my brother was still in utero. Together my parents did well financially. Apart my mother struggled. One night I sat at our island in the kitchen staring hopelessly at my mom as she sobbed on the phone with her mom. She kept saying, "I dont know what I'm going to do!" Here she was with all of this responsibility and no way to provide financially for everything. In my heart I made a vow. I will NEVER have to experience that. My children will never have to witness me in shambles because my bills can't be paid. Never say never right? Here I am with food, drink, snot and tears all over our truck. Crying as hard as I've cried in a long time. Like...weird noises escaping from my throat and all. Nothing could console me. I made sure God knew how upset I was. Caleb patted my shoulder, rubbed my arm and wiped my tears. All the while Eden sat and watched me telling me, "Shhh..mommy". (Totally didn't make me feel better, though I wish it had). I was taken back to that day I sat and watched my mom do the same thing. I hope Eden never remembers that day.
That day I first told you God brought me to the scripture...well Holy Spirit told me to read the book Envy-Bob Sorge. Reading it more than once was and is and will always be a must. I haven't decided yet if this is the hand God has dealt me, or if I'm just in a "Job" season. Maybe God is strengthening me to carry the grace we will soon be given for the sphere God has alloted us. As I said before, I'm still very intensely experiencing this. Still trying to overcome a battle. Still trying to accept what's been given me.
It's 2 weeks until Christmas. I still have not one thing for one person. I have a very bare "dream tree". Have already overdrawn my bank account paying bills. And Eden still only has 4 outfits for winter. Not to mention nothing afterwards. I still break down multiple times a day. I have told God twice today that I'm still mad....but only at myself. I can't be mad knowing that I'm being refined like silver and gold day after day by the only One who knows my past and my future. Yes, my future. I keep reminding myself that there is a GLORIOUS destiny at the end of this very dark tunnel. If it leads me home, it leads me home. If it commands I stay in Hamilton, I stay in Hamilton. Again I say, I am a willing vessel and I say yes! Break me and rip me apart. The outside may look weak...but you still remain the strength of my heart!
I look forward to updating you on my quest to find and hold pure joy, pure love.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Seasons: The good & the bad.
For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under Heaven. -Ecclesiastes 3:1
There is a specific time appointed for everything that takes place on Earth. That amazes me. God is that big.
Yet God has made everything beautiful for it's own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. -Ecclesiastes 3:11
How amazing is it that God planted eternity in my heart? By the spirit, I know eternity. That is so hard to grasp almost. I have access to eternity....Why am I so carnal!? Can I not see into the eternity I've been given access to because I don't live enough in the spirit?....good question. God has made everything beautiful for it's own time. A flower. It looks beautiful for the time it's been given here on earth. Then it withers and dies. I'll only look beautiful for a time...and soon I'll follow in the footsteps of a flower. I don't really know where I'm going with this. I've just been pondering seasons a lot lately.
I know that God has put people in my life for season. My parents are with me a lifelong season. I have some friends God has given me in that same category, thankfully. I feel like I've had so many people walk in and out of my life, and for a time I didn't understand. When I fully grasped the meaning of these verses...I think I understood better. Although it's not always easy to accept. Why would God put people in our lives, then take them away? I've summed it up to this: Learning lessons. Through most in & outs I've learned lifelong lessons. Things that have helped shape me and sharpen character. I'm very thankful for friends kept and friends lost.
I know that God has put me in certain places for good reasons...er, seasons. Once upon a time...I had a whatever job making whatever money. I was content with where I was. I felt like God was leading me to another place so I followed that direction, just eager for what He had there for me. Boy, was I in for a suprise! It was awful! I happened to be alone everyday in an office so I let worship music play....loudly. I would pray and really seek an answer on why the HECK God had me in this awful place. (I had some pretty intense bosses). I never asked him to give me a way out...just asked why He had me there. Then, I felt completely released to leave this job and go back to my old job. It was the easiest transition in every way possible. God opened some pretty amazing doors! I ended up getting a higher paying job than I had even asked for! I, of course, thanked God for opening doors and closing others and again asked, "Why?"
I'll never know the technicals of what happened in that ONE month that I was gone from my first job but all I know is He made a way. He had me between a rock and hard place for a season but the rewards of my faithfulness to His word were amazingly greater than what I would have ever thought they could be.
I'm not sure if any of this makes sense. I just know that God allows us to be put in uncomfortable positions/seasons for a purpose. There is always something greater at the end of that season. A lesson, a better season, an opportunity...who knows!? I certaintly know that it's been hard sometimes. And super uncomfortable. Sometimes even so unsettling! But God has been teaching me sooo much through every season. The good and the bad. The wet and the dry! He's so awesome. I just love him. Due to love and partial baby hormones, I just shed a few tears.
Anyways, I don't know where this came from...or where I'm going with any of it and I kind of lost my train of thought anyways. Maybe that's good indication that this post is over(: Oh, preggo brain. It brings forgetfulness.
End statement to this very strange blog: I love Jesus and no matter where He has me - and he's had me in some pretty intensely tough places and some intensely great ones - I will always commit my life to his will and his way. I will seek first His Kingdom. I will continue to live a burning lifestyle for my Beloved and not faint. I will take every bump and hole in the road with stride knowing that He will always love me, and continually refine me through the strongest of fires. Human I may be, but burning I remain.
There is a specific time appointed for everything that takes place on Earth. That amazes me. God is that big.
Yet God has made everything beautiful for it's own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. -Ecclesiastes 3:11
How amazing is it that God planted eternity in my heart? By the spirit, I know eternity. That is so hard to grasp almost. I have access to eternity....Why am I so carnal!? Can I not see into the eternity I've been given access to because I don't live enough in the spirit?....good question. God has made everything beautiful for it's own time. A flower. It looks beautiful for the time it's been given here on earth. Then it withers and dies. I'll only look beautiful for a time...and soon I'll follow in the footsteps of a flower. I don't really know where I'm going with this. I've just been pondering seasons a lot lately.
I know that God has put people in my life for season. My parents are with me a lifelong season. I have some friends God has given me in that same category, thankfully. I feel like I've had so many people walk in and out of my life, and for a time I didn't understand. When I fully grasped the meaning of these verses...I think I understood better. Although it's not always easy to accept. Why would God put people in our lives, then take them away? I've summed it up to this: Learning lessons. Through most in & outs I've learned lifelong lessons. Things that have helped shape me and sharpen character. I'm very thankful for friends kept and friends lost.
I know that God has put me in certain places for good reasons...er, seasons. Once upon a time...I had a whatever job making whatever money. I was content with where I was. I felt like God was leading me to another place so I followed that direction, just eager for what He had there for me. Boy, was I in for a suprise! It was awful! I happened to be alone everyday in an office so I let worship music play....loudly. I would pray and really seek an answer on why the HECK God had me in this awful place. (I had some pretty intense bosses). I never asked him to give me a way out...just asked why He had me there. Then, I felt completely released to leave this job and go back to my old job. It was the easiest transition in every way possible. God opened some pretty amazing doors! I ended up getting a higher paying job than I had even asked for! I, of course, thanked God for opening doors and closing others and again asked, "Why?"
I'll never know the technicals of what happened in that ONE month that I was gone from my first job but all I know is He made a way. He had me between a rock and hard place for a season but the rewards of my faithfulness to His word were amazingly greater than what I would have ever thought they could be.
I'm not sure if any of this makes sense. I just know that God allows us to be put in uncomfortable positions/seasons for a purpose. There is always something greater at the end of that season. A lesson, a better season, an opportunity...who knows!? I certaintly know that it's been hard sometimes. And super uncomfortable. Sometimes even so unsettling! But God has been teaching me sooo much through every season. The good and the bad. The wet and the dry! He's so awesome. I just love him. Due to love and partial baby hormones, I just shed a few tears.
Anyways, I don't know where this came from...or where I'm going with any of it and I kind of lost my train of thought anyways. Maybe that's good indication that this post is over(: Oh, preggo brain. It brings forgetfulness.
End statement to this very strange blog: I love Jesus and no matter where He has me - and he's had me in some pretty intensely tough places and some intensely great ones - I will always commit my life to his will and his way. I will seek first His Kingdom. I will continue to live a burning lifestyle for my Beloved and not faint. I will take every bump and hole in the road with stride knowing that He will always love me, and continually refine me through the strongest of fires. Human I may be, but burning I remain.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
My new found life.
Other than Jesus, Caleb is by far my best friend.
Before there was an "us", there was an "I". I would consider myself to have been most definately a social butterfly. Even though that's such a cliche'. If I was given a time and a place, I was there! And there had to be multiple people involved in whatever I was doing. I just love people.
Now there is an "us". I wouldn't trade it for the anything. If I could explain myself to some degree, I would tell you that I'm a balloon floating off to dream land....with a light weight tied to my string. So, instead of totally floating off...I kind of drift in the middle. I've seen and experienced enough in my life to remind me of the "real" and hold me down. But my dreams keep me just high enough off of the ground. Caleb has become my light weight. He was exactly what I needed to keep myself from disappearing. Or maybe he became the helium that blew me up? God knows I analyze every situation. Analyzation is surely enough to suck helium right out of me! So who he is for me...may never be completly known. The fact is this: God knew that without Caleb, I would be stuck in the mud or on planet x.
Now, instead of jumping at every opportunity to "hang", I have become a homebody. And I actually enjoy it! I don't consider myself a hermit...just someone who enjoys spending every second of every day with family. Instead of enjoying everyone else's lives, I enjoy my life. No rushing to work, dropping the kids off at nursery and enjoying gossip with the employees. Instead, I get to sit in the living room cuddled up to my best friend laughing about nothing. God is teaching me to enjoy what he's given me in my own home. I used to complain about being "closed-off". "I never see anyone anymore!" "You made me a homebody!", that's what I would say. How embarrassing. That actually came out of my mouth. Don't get me wrong, I love to hang out with friends and enjoy fellowship with those we love. I've just realized that we know a lot of people...who enjoy doing a lot of get togethers. And it's okay to say no.
You know that saying, "You're eyes were bigger than your stomach"? Yeah, I'm so bad at that.
1. Because I enjoy eating!
2. There's always so much to choose from.
I see the social scene the same way! I enjoy visiting and hanging out. And with all the people in this little/big community...well there's a lot going on i.e to choose from.
We've always said we're family people. And we're not lying. I would stay in my pajamas all day with Caleb and Eden and just watch movies. Or sit on the front porch swing and have good quality conversation while Eden plays. When Caleb is out working...and Eden is asleep in her bed. I still enjoy good quality family time with God. He's my first best friend. Anything I've laughed about with Caleb, I'm surely taking it to God. Then, I have another laugh. My favorite place to spend with him is in front of my heater (soon to be fireplace) with a big couch pillow leaned against the brick. There are a lot of tears in that carpet (soon to be wood floor). A lot of laughter has taken place there. And best of all a lot of love. "Pushing in" to others is a good thing, I don't deny that. But I've come to a place where instead of pushing in to others, I'm pushing into family. "Others" will fail me. And one day they'll be gone. I'll spend the rest of my life with Caleb so that foundation must alway stay strong. But I'll spend eternity with my beloved! Thankfully our favorite place to meet is right in my living room.
Homebody, yes you can call me that. I'll proudly wear that tag. But I've got foundation thick as steel. Butterfly's are pretty and all, but their life span only lasts a few weeks. The longest living butterfly can only live up to 12 months. I'd say their foundation is made of sand.
For someone who used to be on the go....alot. I've learned a lesson. It may not be your lesson, but it was surely one taught to someone in this world.
-The proud homebody.
Before there was an "us", there was an "I". I would consider myself to have been most definately a social butterfly. Even though that's such a cliche'. If I was given a time and a place, I was there! And there had to be multiple people involved in whatever I was doing. I just love people.
Now there is an "us". I wouldn't trade it for the anything. If I could explain myself to some degree, I would tell you that I'm a balloon floating off to dream land....with a light weight tied to my string. So, instead of totally floating off...I kind of drift in the middle. I've seen and experienced enough in my life to remind me of the "real" and hold me down. But my dreams keep me just high enough off of the ground. Caleb has become my light weight. He was exactly what I needed to keep myself from disappearing. Or maybe he became the helium that blew me up? God knows I analyze every situation. Analyzation is surely enough to suck helium right out of me! So who he is for me...may never be completly known. The fact is this: God knew that without Caleb, I would be stuck in the mud or on planet x.
Now, instead of jumping at every opportunity to "hang", I have become a homebody. And I actually enjoy it! I don't consider myself a hermit...just someone who enjoys spending every second of every day with family. Instead of enjoying everyone else's lives, I enjoy my life. No rushing to work, dropping the kids off at nursery and enjoying gossip with the employees. Instead, I get to sit in the living room cuddled up to my best friend laughing about nothing. God is teaching me to enjoy what he's given me in my own home. I used to complain about being "closed-off". "I never see anyone anymore!" "You made me a homebody!", that's what I would say. How embarrassing. That actually came out of my mouth. Don't get me wrong, I love to hang out with friends and enjoy fellowship with those we love. I've just realized that we know a lot of people...who enjoy doing a lot of get togethers. And it's okay to say no.
You know that saying, "You're eyes were bigger than your stomach"? Yeah, I'm so bad at that.
1. Because I enjoy eating!
2. There's always so much to choose from.
I see the social scene the same way! I enjoy visiting and hanging out. And with all the people in this little/big community...well there's a lot going on i.e to choose from.
We've always said we're family people. And we're not lying. I would stay in my pajamas all day with Caleb and Eden and just watch movies. Or sit on the front porch swing and have good quality conversation while Eden plays. When Caleb is out working...and Eden is asleep in her bed. I still enjoy good quality family time with God. He's my first best friend. Anything I've laughed about with Caleb, I'm surely taking it to God. Then, I have another laugh. My favorite place to spend with him is in front of my heater (soon to be fireplace) with a big couch pillow leaned against the brick. There are a lot of tears in that carpet (soon to be wood floor). A lot of laughter has taken place there. And best of all a lot of love. "Pushing in" to others is a good thing, I don't deny that. But I've come to a place where instead of pushing in to others, I'm pushing into family. "Others" will fail me. And one day they'll be gone. I'll spend the rest of my life with Caleb so that foundation must alway stay strong. But I'll spend eternity with my beloved! Thankfully our favorite place to meet is right in my living room.
Homebody, yes you can call me that. I'll proudly wear that tag. But I've got foundation thick as steel. Butterfly's are pretty and all, but their life span only lasts a few weeks. The longest living butterfly can only live up to 12 months. I'd say their foundation is made of sand.
For someone who used to be on the go....alot. I've learned a lesson. It may not be your lesson, but it was surely one taught to someone in this world.
-The proud homebody.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
A lesson learned
I learned a lesson today. One I think I've truly known was there in the back of my mind, I just ignored it.
A few times a day we go into the bathroom, close the door and Eden goes "nakey". I sit on the closed lid of the toilet and let her sit on hers. I give her a book because that's what mommy does while she's waiting on Eden. Eden likes to sit down for two seconds, hop up and get some toilet paper to "clean out the potty". She hasn't quite grasped that it's really for her. Now, a few weeks ago she actually did use her potty! We just don't know when? I should have learned this lesson that many weeks ago but....sadly, I didn't. So as we were learning how to go "potty", Eden does her usual. She sits, hops up, grabs a new book then tries to put her diaper back on!
I was so caught up in this great book I was reading that it took me a few minutes to realize that she was no longer sitting. I looked over the edge of my book to notice a messy bathroom. That's not how we entered. Two towels were strown across the floor accompanied by two books, shampoo and a the potty ended up on the other side of the bathroom. How did I miss all of this commotion? I started cleaning up when I noticed Eden had been in this frenzy because in the process of trying to return her potty to it's normal position she had in fact pee'd all on the floor. (sorry for the info but we're all adults) This could have been her 2nd time to use the potty all by herself! And I was too "caught up" to notice. In that moment I started thinking about all the times I've missed things because I've been too busy. This is why I wanted to stay at home with my children! Because I never want to miss anything....I want to raise and teach my kids. And here I am missing an opportunity of something simple yet huge! Potty training.
I know this isn't anything profound or deep and intellectual. While most things I blog aren't. I just got a nice slap across my face. Although it's something I already knew, I had just pushed the thought to the back of my mind once again. There are way too many distractions in this world. Although I wasn't caught up in some interesting movie or tv show. And I wasn't banging away on the keyboard.....I missed something very important because reading a book was more important to me than making sure my sweet Eden accomplished her potty. Instead I ended up with a huge mess to clean up and a puppy-eyed little girl who didn't understand what she did wrong. I was challenged to put aside the distractions and focus.
Even though it doesn't seem like much, I challenge you to do the same. I'm determined to spend less time reading, surfing the web, and flipping through channels....and spend more time paying attention. Even if it's to the little things like learning to potty. I've decided Eden's nap time will be my time with the Lord, reading, praying and then the extra little things. I don't forfeit God's time. And I certaintly can't forfeit Eden's time. Not anymore at least.
A few times a day we go into the bathroom, close the door and Eden goes "nakey". I sit on the closed lid of the toilet and let her sit on hers. I give her a book because that's what mommy does while she's waiting on Eden. Eden likes to sit down for two seconds, hop up and get some toilet paper to "clean out the potty". She hasn't quite grasped that it's really for her. Now, a few weeks ago she actually did use her potty! We just don't know when? I should have learned this lesson that many weeks ago but....sadly, I didn't. So as we were learning how to go "potty", Eden does her usual. She sits, hops up, grabs a new book then tries to put her diaper back on!
I was so caught up in this great book I was reading that it took me a few minutes to realize that she was no longer sitting. I looked over the edge of my book to notice a messy bathroom. That's not how we entered. Two towels were strown across the floor accompanied by two books, shampoo and a the potty ended up on the other side of the bathroom. How did I miss all of this commotion? I started cleaning up when I noticed Eden had been in this frenzy because in the process of trying to return her potty to it's normal position she had in fact pee'd all on the floor. (sorry for the info but we're all adults) This could have been her 2nd time to use the potty all by herself! And I was too "caught up" to notice. In that moment I started thinking about all the times I've missed things because I've been too busy. This is why I wanted to stay at home with my children! Because I never want to miss anything....I want to raise and teach my kids. And here I am missing an opportunity of something simple yet huge! Potty training.
I know this isn't anything profound or deep and intellectual. While most things I blog aren't. I just got a nice slap across my face. Although it's something I already knew, I had just pushed the thought to the back of my mind once again. There are way too many distractions in this world. Although I wasn't caught up in some interesting movie or tv show. And I wasn't banging away on the keyboard.....I missed something very important because reading a book was more important to me than making sure my sweet Eden accomplished her potty. Instead I ended up with a huge mess to clean up and a puppy-eyed little girl who didn't understand what she did wrong. I was challenged to put aside the distractions and focus.
Even though it doesn't seem like much, I challenge you to do the same. I'm determined to spend less time reading, surfing the web, and flipping through channels....and spend more time paying attention. Even if it's to the little things like learning to potty. I've decided Eden's nap time will be my time with the Lord, reading, praying and then the extra little things. I don't forfeit God's time. And I certaintly can't forfeit Eden's time. Not anymore at least.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
I am strong through Jesus Christ.
I'm sure most of you know by now, but for those of you who don't...we're pregnant!
Growing up, I've always heard that baby #2 isn't quite as exciting. Only because you've already gone through the "newness excitement" with the first. I considered them stretching the truth a bit. But I actually feel the same way! Although I am truly excited...it's just not the same. I am going to prove myself wrong though. I've come to the conclusion thus far that the excitement is dull...ONLY because it's mixed with that overwhelming feeling of, "Oh my, two babies!? How am I going to do this?"
If you're anything like me...which I consider myself strange in this aspect...I lay awake in the bed for at least an hour thinking before actually falling asleep. Caleb is long gone....twitching and sleep-talking. But me, I'm wide-awake. The first night of our new baby discovery, I lay there for at least 2 hours. I asked my best friend, "How do I do this? How can I love another baby as much as I love Eden? Can we afford two kids?". So, you can imagine the questions brewing. I'm sure most of you with multiple kids know my questions. Grace. That was the only answer to any of my questions. Most of the time...when I go to ask God a question...I already know the answer. I just want him to reassure me of myself. Not always....but usually. Even then, I scrunch my face and would really like him to say something like, "Money is going to grow on your tree. Go fishing and you'll find a coin. I'm sending Gabriel to nanny." You know....ridiculous things. (I still don't put it past him though (: ). So day 2 rolls around of my new knowings and I do the same thing that day AND night. Same answer. Blah! Those were my thoughts. Then a rebuke. Why can't I just be content with what the God of ALL universes, the maker of ALL things says? There I lay. Too scared to ask another word. I found the courage to tell Him, "Through you I am strong. By you I have the grace. I can do this!"
Everyday I find myself telling MYSELF, "You are strong. You can do this." I'm not sure if this is a common thing others go through but I know that God is taking me on yet another journey. 21 with two children. Both under the age of 3. I know though, that it is only by my Jesus that I have the strength to stay halfway sane. It is only by God that I have the grace to know that all of my needs will be met. All of OUR needs. Worry dominates the thoughts of unbelievers! He tells me that if I seek first HIS Kingdom and live righteously....he will give me everything I need. At least that's what Matthew 6:28:31 says. (My version is obviously seriously summarized)
So today again, I tell myself, "I am strong, only by Jesus. Only through Him will I survive this thing called Motherhood."
Growing up, I've always heard that baby #2 isn't quite as exciting. Only because you've already gone through the "newness excitement" with the first. I considered them stretching the truth a bit. But I actually feel the same way! Although I am truly excited...it's just not the same. I am going to prove myself wrong though. I've come to the conclusion thus far that the excitement is dull...ONLY because it's mixed with that overwhelming feeling of, "Oh my, two babies!? How am I going to do this?"
If you're anything like me...which I consider myself strange in this aspect...I lay awake in the bed for at least an hour thinking before actually falling asleep. Caleb is long gone....twitching and sleep-talking. But me, I'm wide-awake. The first night of our new baby discovery, I lay there for at least 2 hours. I asked my best friend, "How do I do this? How can I love another baby as much as I love Eden? Can we afford two kids?". So, you can imagine the questions brewing. I'm sure most of you with multiple kids know my questions. Grace. That was the only answer to any of my questions. Most of the time...when I go to ask God a question...I already know the answer. I just want him to reassure me of myself. Not always....but usually. Even then, I scrunch my face and would really like him to say something like, "Money is going to grow on your tree. Go fishing and you'll find a coin. I'm sending Gabriel to nanny." You know....ridiculous things. (I still don't put it past him though (: ). So day 2 rolls around of my new knowings and I do the same thing that day AND night. Same answer. Blah! Those were my thoughts. Then a rebuke. Why can't I just be content with what the God of ALL universes, the maker of ALL things says? There I lay. Too scared to ask another word. I found the courage to tell Him, "Through you I am strong. By you I have the grace. I can do this!"
Everyday I find myself telling MYSELF, "You are strong. You can do this." I'm not sure if this is a common thing others go through but I know that God is taking me on yet another journey. 21 with two children. Both under the age of 3. I know though, that it is only by my Jesus that I have the strength to stay halfway sane. It is only by God that I have the grace to know that all of my needs will be met. All of OUR needs. Worry dominates the thoughts of unbelievers! He tells me that if I seek first HIS Kingdom and live righteously....he will give me everything I need. At least that's what Matthew 6:28:31 says. (My version is obviously seriously summarized)
So today again, I tell myself, "I am strong, only by Jesus. Only through Him will I survive this thing called Motherhood."
Friday, October 29, 2010
Poems & Recipes
After releasing some tension in my previous post I felt I should lighten my next! I've never done two blogs in one day but I'm feeling this is necessary considering I was so icy earlier. I promise I love every single person regardless of the way they worship or live. I always have and always will. Although love seems far from me today....
I read this poem in my new read, themommydiaries. It's a wonderful book with stories from different mommies who find themselves through the chaos of motherhood.
When you reach the proper age
I will teach you to read and you can turn the pages
How to dress and tie your shoes Your one plus ones, and your two times two's
And you'll teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the most important things
And all that I have lost along the way And I can't wait
As you grow, I'll show you things
How to ride your bike and kick your legs out on the swings
To fold your hands and bow your head
To say your prayers before you go to bed
And you'll teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the most important things
And all that I have lost along the way
And I can't wait
How do you sleep so peacefully?
How do you trust so unflinchingly?
How do you love so faithfully?
How do you dance so joyfully?
And you'll teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the mots important things
And all that I have lost along the way
And I can't
No I can't
Come teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the most essential things
And all that I have lost along the way
And I can't wait
-Sara Groves
I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did!
Next is a recipe for Mexican Cornbread-My new favorite!! This seemed right for the new season we're in(:
1 1/3 cups self-rising meal
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese (can add more)
3 eggs
1 cup chopped onion
1 can cream style corn
3/4 cup oil
1/2 cup milk
a little salt
2-5 jalapeno peppers
Bake at 400 degrees for 35-40 minutes. Makes a big iron skillet full.
I hope you enjoy this as much as I love it!!
I read this poem in my new read, themommydiaries. It's a wonderful book with stories from different mommies who find themselves through the chaos of motherhood.
When you reach the proper age
I will teach you to read and you can turn the pages
How to dress and tie your shoes Your one plus ones, and your two times two's
And you'll teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the most important things
And all that I have lost along the way And I can't wait
As you grow, I'll show you things
How to ride your bike and kick your legs out on the swings
To fold your hands and bow your head
To say your prayers before you go to bed
And you'll teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the most important things
And all that I have lost along the way
And I can't wait
How do you sleep so peacefully?
How do you trust so unflinchingly?
How do you love so faithfully?
How do you dance so joyfully?
And you'll teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the mots important things
And all that I have lost along the way
And I can't
No I can't
Come teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the most essential things
And all that I have lost along the way
And I can't wait
-Sara Groves
I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did!
Next is a recipe for Mexican Cornbread-My new favorite!! This seemed right for the new season we're in(:
1 1/3 cups self-rising meal
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese (can add more)
3 eggs
1 cup chopped onion
1 can cream style corn
3/4 cup oil
1/2 cup milk
a little salt
2-5 jalapeno peppers
Bake at 400 degrees for 35-40 minutes. Makes a big iron skillet full.
I hope you enjoy this as much as I love it!!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Great is thy Faithfulness!
Great is thy faithfulness, Great is thy faithfulness; Morning by morning new mercies I see!! All I have needed thy hand hath provided. Great is thy faithfulness; Lord unto thee.
Culpepper Lawn Care- Caleb & his brother's business during the summer....
Culpepper Deer Processing- Caleb's business during the winter....
Once the "grass cuttin" was over we were super excited for "deer season" to hurry up and get here. There was a two week break between the two so we spend a lot of time getting his processing room prepared; which included not only cleaning but some extra money had to go to new signs, seasonings, fat ( gross, I know ), etc...
Bow season comes before gun season. Unfortunately there are not a lot of bow hunters in Hamilon, Al. So along comes Friday, the first day of Bow season and we only get ONE deer. Hey, that's better than nothing! So we just thanked the Lord and hoped for more the next day. By Monday we had received 5 deer! Although we were so thankful for more deer...we knew it wasn't enough to pay our bills. Worry is not something we allow into our home anymore! We experienced some true refining in the "faith" department last year so I just spent extra quality time in prayer and reminded God (although he very well knows) that He has all of my trust. I'm so thankful I have a Faithful God! He will NEVER fail us!
Tuesday morning, although knowing the mail doesn't come until noon, I walked to my mailbox. Even now I'm not sure why...I opened the door and nothing was there. But as I had been walking towards the mailbox I heard that old hymn "Great is thy faithfulness!" (song at the top). I continued to sing the song for the next two hours straight. I even walked in Caleb's processing room and told him, "God is taking care of us. No worrying!" I got lost with the Lord and enjoyed time well spent with Holy Spirit. So, noon rolled around and I walked back down to the mailbox singing my new favorite song! I opened the mailbox and there laid a small envelope with nothing but a $1200 check. Great is HIS faithfulness! I'm not sure why I'm sharing this story today but I pray that it be a testimony of faith to someone.
Everything that I need He provides. Everything that WE need He provides. The past year and half that I have lived here we have never been without. Whether it be through someone else, or just a complete miracle that cannot be explained, God has taken care of us and He always will. He'll do the same for you!
On another note, I wanted to say to those of you who have tried to comment and were not able to...I think? you have to have an account also. But I thank you for going the extra mile and texting me or commenting on my facebook. You've been an encouragement whether you knew it or not to keep blogging! I thank God for each and everyone of you! and I pray His blessings over you! Be encouraged today. God is faithful.
Culpepper Lawn Care- Caleb & his brother's business during the summer....
Culpepper Deer Processing- Caleb's business during the winter....
Once the "grass cuttin" was over we were super excited for "deer season" to hurry up and get here. There was a two week break between the two so we spend a lot of time getting his processing room prepared; which included not only cleaning but some extra money had to go to new signs, seasonings, fat ( gross, I know ), etc...
Bow season comes before gun season. Unfortunately there are not a lot of bow hunters in Hamilon, Al. So along comes Friday, the first day of Bow season and we only get ONE deer. Hey, that's better than nothing! So we just thanked the Lord and hoped for more the next day. By Monday we had received 5 deer! Although we were so thankful for more deer...we knew it wasn't enough to pay our bills. Worry is not something we allow into our home anymore! We experienced some true refining in the "faith" department last year so I just spent extra quality time in prayer and reminded God (although he very well knows) that He has all of my trust. I'm so thankful I have a Faithful God! He will NEVER fail us!
Tuesday morning, although knowing the mail doesn't come until noon, I walked to my mailbox. Even now I'm not sure why...I opened the door and nothing was there. But as I had been walking towards the mailbox I heard that old hymn "Great is thy faithfulness!" (song at the top). I continued to sing the song for the next two hours straight. I even walked in Caleb's processing room and told him, "God is taking care of us. No worrying!" I got lost with the Lord and enjoyed time well spent with Holy Spirit. So, noon rolled around and I walked back down to the mailbox singing my new favorite song! I opened the mailbox and there laid a small envelope with nothing but a $1200 check. Great is HIS faithfulness! I'm not sure why I'm sharing this story today but I pray that it be a testimony of faith to someone.
Everything that I need He provides. Everything that WE need He provides. The past year and half that I have lived here we have never been without. Whether it be through someone else, or just a complete miracle that cannot be explained, God has taken care of us and He always will. He'll do the same for you!
On another note, I wanted to say to those of you who have tried to comment and were not able to...I think? you have to have an account also. But I thank you for going the extra mile and texting me or commenting on my facebook. You've been an encouragement whether you knew it or not to keep blogging! I thank God for each and everyone of you! and I pray His blessings over you! Be encouraged today. God is faithful.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Hast thou faith?
"Hast thou faith? have it to thyself before God. Happy is he that condemneth not himself in that thing which he alloweth. And he that doubteth is damned if he eat, because he eateth not of faith: for whatsoever is not of faith is sin." -Romans 14:22-23 (KJV)
This is one of my most favorite verses from the bible! Actually...all of Romans 14, I thouroughly enjoy. In an earlier post, I mentioned God wanting me to be who I am. And to this day I still agree with my previous post. But if anyone misunderstood I'd like to clear it up. I don't believe that in our sin God is okay with you being..well, in sin. I believe that God sees us the way He intends us to be and daily purges us of those things. I am a firm believer in the fire of the Holy Spirit and I welcome it daily into my life.
Which is why my previous post stated this: "I must define myself by who he has set me apart to be. Whether other people accept me for who I am or not....he does. (meaning who he as called me to be) Of course he daily prunes me...so I'm always being molded into who he wants me to be. One day it may be attitude and the next he may be helping me on my mindset or view of the way I think situations should be. "
If you are in a homosexual relationship I do not agree. I do not believe God gives you mercy and grace and claims it to be okay. You are in sin. And the bible clearly states, multiple times that this is wrong. God does not contradict himself. So in Romans 14:23, He does not mean....if you have faith to believe that your homosexuality is not a sin it's okay....you're wrong! That means that God contradicted himself. He does not do that! God is very clear on what is sin and what is not sin and we can't excuse ourselves with this verse alone. And to use the "He loves me anyway" excuse is ignorance.
This was just the first example that came to my mind. This is NOT directed towards anyone I know. Actually, I don't even think I know anyone in homosexuality. Moving on...
And to further make my point on my previous post...I do not want to look or be who I want myself to be or look like! Only who HE wants me to be. I want to be the wife, mother and friend God wants me to be. And I look to scripture to tell me exactly what that is. I desire to live a holy life for a HOLY God. ( I recommend A.W Tozer's book "Knowledge of the Holy") I crave the fire of the Holy Spirit every single day and I enjoy the humbleness He brings.
I stand in confidence and FAITH to believe and know that what I do (although being human and having DAILY purging through the Holy Spirit) is pleasing to God, according to His Word. If that is in question to anyone I ask them to get to know ME on a personal note instead of through someone else...or even a blog.
"We are the most "REAL" in our comfortable place" -stolen from my husband (:
This is one of my most favorite verses from the bible! Actually...all of Romans 14, I thouroughly enjoy. In an earlier post, I mentioned God wanting me to be who I am. And to this day I still agree with my previous post. But if anyone misunderstood I'd like to clear it up. I don't believe that in our sin God is okay with you being..well, in sin. I believe that God sees us the way He intends us to be and daily purges us of those things. I am a firm believer in the fire of the Holy Spirit and I welcome it daily into my life.
Which is why my previous post stated this: "I must define myself by who he has set me apart to be. Whether other people accept me for who I am or not....he does. (meaning who he as called me to be) Of course he daily prunes me...so I'm always being molded into who he wants me to be. One day it may be attitude and the next he may be helping me on my mindset or view of the way I think situations should be. "
If you are in a homosexual relationship I do not agree. I do not believe God gives you mercy and grace and claims it to be okay. You are in sin. And the bible clearly states, multiple times that this is wrong. God does not contradict himself. So in Romans 14:23, He does not mean....if you have faith to believe that your homosexuality is not a sin it's okay....you're wrong! That means that God contradicted himself. He does not do that! God is very clear on what is sin and what is not sin and we can't excuse ourselves with this verse alone. And to use the "He loves me anyway" excuse is ignorance.
This was just the first example that came to my mind. This is NOT directed towards anyone I know. Actually, I don't even think I know anyone in homosexuality. Moving on...
And to further make my point on my previous post...I do not want to look or be who I want myself to be or look like! Only who HE wants me to be. I want to be the wife, mother and friend God wants me to be. And I look to scripture to tell me exactly what that is. I desire to live a holy life for a HOLY God. ( I recommend A.W Tozer's book "Knowledge of the Holy") I crave the fire of the Holy Spirit every single day and I enjoy the humbleness He brings.
I stand in confidence and FAITH to believe and know that what I do (although being human and having DAILY purging through the Holy Spirit) is pleasing to God, according to His Word. If that is in question to anyone I ask them to get to know ME on a personal note instead of through someone else...or even a blog.
"We are the most "REAL" in our comfortable place" -stolen from my husband (:
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
RUNNY NOSES, DIRTY DIAPERS & LOVE.
I'll start this blog off by telling you that I am most definitely....YOUNG. I was engaged at 17, married 1 month after my 18th birthday and pregnant 2 months later. Caleb and I have known each other our WHOLE lives...literally. When I was 9 months? (somewhere in that area) and He was almost 2 we were in a Q101 Baby Contest! ....He won. We grew up in the same church and played "smear the queer" (TERRIBLE name for a game) every sunday night together. He was my best friend.
There was a time in my life where I had to make a choice. I chose to lose my life and to be dead, only to find TRUE life in Jesus. I laid down..or lost every friend I had. Except for Caleb! He took my by the hand and together we stood up! We were determined to be set apart. Although we were alone in our walk, God was with us. Together we prayed for those we laid down and believed for their salvation and although it's been 5 years we're starting to see the fruit of our prayers!
So, Sept. 30 2007, Caleb proposed to me in the gazebo at Lake Tiak'O'Khata. I would love to tell you the story but it is extremely long! So, we planned to get married 8 months later on May 3, 2008. Our wedding day was by far the most amazing day I've ever had in my whole entire life! The presence of the Holy Spirit was so thick. Our walk in song for our guests was "Jesus Come" by Shane & Shane and Jesus did just that! He came... That is all we wanted for that day. In all honesty, there was not once that I felt nervous. Only excited! I was about to marry my Best Friend. The one person, other than God, who believed in me! He fought for me! So, at 6p.m, I walked out of the back door, across the porch, down the steps and through the yard to the man of my dreams. We soaked in the Holy Spirit and through joyful tears made promises that can never be broken. Yes, that day is on my top 5 list of "Best days ever".
Approximately 3 1/2 months later.....we find our we're pregnant! I can't tell you the flood of emotions I had. Happy, scared, excited, nervous....I'm only 18! Yes...18. Do I need to repeat? 18!
Thankfully the Lord had blessed us both with not only grace but favor. We had great jobs, great bosses and we had Him. We could only go forward from there knowing that our new baby was a gift from God. At 19/20 weeks we found out what our little gift was, a GIRL. For about 2 weeks before finding out I kept having dreams she was a girl...so I wasn't too shocked! We only had one name picked out, Adelee Eden. So, around rolls March 26th and here comes baby! I had an amazing birth with supernatural help from God! This day is also on my top 5 liste of "Best days ever".
So, here we are a year and a half later. As I like to say, I'm 20.7 now(: Although most people are still completely relying on their parents to take care of them...I am a parent who has a child that relies completely on me.
God, my all-knowing God...gave me this beautiful baby. With bright blue eyes and sweet blonde hair. FULL of personality and energy!! On the days that I don't want to do anything...she gets me going! She passes along her energy to me. To look in the backseat as I drive and see her praying with me leaves me speechless. When I see her lift her hands up and call on the name of "Jee-Jee"....again is beyond words. She was the inspiration of God. There are days that I think I am losing my mind. Mostly when new teeth are coming in....BUT I remember the gift I've been allowed to possess. The arrow in our quiver!
1 Timothy 4:12 says, "Don't let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, in your faith, and in your purity."
Although I've been married nearly 3 years and have a child...I am trying to remember this scripture. God has brought us through so much in so little time. But it was God. He has a plan for our lives and I love that He is our head. He was with us 5 years ago, He was with us on our wedding day, and He is with us now. He is faithful.....I love his faithfulness.
There was a time in my life where I had to make a choice. I chose to lose my life and to be dead, only to find TRUE life in Jesus. I laid down..or lost every friend I had. Except for Caleb! He took my by the hand and together we stood up! We were determined to be set apart. Although we were alone in our walk, God was with us. Together we prayed for those we laid down and believed for their salvation and although it's been 5 years we're starting to see the fruit of our prayers!
So, Sept. 30 2007, Caleb proposed to me in the gazebo at Lake Tiak'O'Khata. I would love to tell you the story but it is extremely long! So, we planned to get married 8 months later on May 3, 2008. Our wedding day was by far the most amazing day I've ever had in my whole entire life! The presence of the Holy Spirit was so thick. Our walk in song for our guests was "Jesus Come" by Shane & Shane and Jesus did just that! He came... That is all we wanted for that day. In all honesty, there was not once that I felt nervous. Only excited! I was about to marry my Best Friend. The one person, other than God, who believed in me! He fought for me! So, at 6p.m, I walked out of the back door, across the porch, down the steps and through the yard to the man of my dreams. We soaked in the Holy Spirit and through joyful tears made promises that can never be broken. Yes, that day is on my top 5 list of "Best days ever".
Approximately 3 1/2 months later.....we find our we're pregnant! I can't tell you the flood of emotions I had. Happy, scared, excited, nervous....I'm only 18! Yes...18. Do I need to repeat? 18!
Thankfully the Lord had blessed us both with not only grace but favor. We had great jobs, great bosses and we had Him. We could only go forward from there knowing that our new baby was a gift from God. At 19/20 weeks we found out what our little gift was, a GIRL. For about 2 weeks before finding out I kept having dreams she was a girl...so I wasn't too shocked! We only had one name picked out, Adelee Eden. So, around rolls March 26th and here comes baby! I had an amazing birth with supernatural help from God! This day is also on my top 5 liste of "Best days ever".
So, here we are a year and a half later. As I like to say, I'm 20.7 now(: Although most people are still completely relying on their parents to take care of them...I am a parent who has a child that relies completely on me.
God, my all-knowing God...gave me this beautiful baby. With bright blue eyes and sweet blonde hair. FULL of personality and energy!! On the days that I don't want to do anything...she gets me going! She passes along her energy to me. To look in the backseat as I drive and see her praying with me leaves me speechless. When I see her lift her hands up and call on the name of "Jee-Jee"....again is beyond words. She was the inspiration of God. There are days that I think I am losing my mind. Mostly when new teeth are coming in....BUT I remember the gift I've been allowed to possess. The arrow in our quiver!
1 Timothy 4:12 says, "Don't let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, in your faith, and in your purity."
Although I've been married nearly 3 years and have a child...I am trying to remember this scripture. God has brought us through so much in so little time. But it was God. He has a plan for our lives and I love that He is our head. He was with us 5 years ago, He was with us on our wedding day, and He is with us now. He is faithful.....I love his faithfulness.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Have you ever felt like you lived in a bubble? I feel like that often. We have an awesome church community. Most people that we interact with on a daily basis passionately love Jesus. I'm not talking about a "normal" mundane christian lifestyle. I'm talking about 8 a.m corporate prayer meetings EVERY morning. If you know anything about prayer it will most definitely cause you to go deeper and burn more bright! I love prayer. Not only that but we each have our own personal prayer, worship and reading time. I love reading the bible!
When I leave my home in Hamilton, Al and go to another city...regardless of where it is I feel like I am in a culture shock! I am quickly humbled! When I get outside of my comfort zone and out of my bubble and take a look at the "real world"...what we live in I am in absolute shock. Why can't my bubble be the "real world". I believe it will and is going to look like my bubble one day! It's just not yet. I've been on this crazy journey with the Lord. I've been learning to understand atheism and agnostics. Why do they feel the way that they feel? What causes them to question who God is? Or simply not believe??
Of course God had to take me on my own personal journey with Him and myself first. I had to be strengthened in my heart and mind. I had to KNOW who I was and who God was. Now I have a heart for those who literally claim not to believe. And I love it!
Did you know that most atheist outlook on christianity is this: We're in 2010! We need to move past the whole "Jesus" thing. If you "fall into" the christianity gimmick you're weak!
I know, I know...it makes me sick too! I so want those who have questions to find answers. I believe that if you are an atheist or agnostic that you are not weak if you "fall into" christianity. I believe that it takes a very strong person to believe in God. It takes discipline and endurance. Most of the time I do not understand God at all! But I have this supernatural grace and perserverance that He's given me to be content with not understanding! And to keep loving Him and the mystery of His person.
Casey Doss taught a message a couple of months ago about "Blind Bartimaeus". It rocked me!
First of all, Blind Bartimaeus is not his name! His name actually means "Son of a noble man". Bartemaeus KNEW who He was supposed to be. But here he is broke and blind on the side of the road. He hears that Jesus of Nazareth is near by and begins to shout, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" People started to tell him to be quiet but he only shouted louder! Again, he shouts to Jesus. When Jesus hears Bartimaeus he stops and tells him to come to him. Bartimaeus jumps up and runs to Jesus! On this particular day during this teaching, Casey says, "What if God just wants to see how bad you want Him?!" All of our enduring and perservering is NOT in vain!
If only atheist and agnostics could keep seeking! If only they would not give up. I'm not saying sit on your butt and expect God to just SHOW UP! (Which I totally believe He would do) BUT to say, "You know what!? I want you God. I want to have encounters with you !...I want YOU!" I know that He hears us. And I know that He will come on the 4th call as fast as He'd come to the 1st. I look at it like this: Girls tend to make guys chase. You know what I'm talking about! You want them to think you're important enough that they will do anything and everything to have you. Nothing and no one is as important as you are. I so believe that God wants that too! For us to be so head over heels for Him that we will shout His name over and over again until He says, "Your faith has healed you!" ...(or whatever you want at that time) haha. Then He wants us to follow Him down the road just like Bartimaeus.
Man, I would fan Him with palm leaves and wash His feet...and be blind all at the same time. Just to have Him near!!! But thankfully He's given me 20/20 eyesight and I can have Him whenever I want....somedays it takes a lot of endurance and sometimes I get tired of waiting but if I wait long enough...He'll come! Sometimes I just start to think about what I'm about to pray and BOOM! Holy Spirit is on me like white on rice! (southern statement). Sometimes I can't even speak I'm so encompassed by Him. Whew!!
So I kind of got off of my initial statement but my conclusion on this blog today is this: Get out of your bubble sometimes and take a look at the world we live in and REMEMBER what we're praying for. Remember that there are lost people who are scared and confused. They are in their own bubble of comfortable. I think God likes for us to be uncomfortable(: To find Him in the craziness of life. Remember who you are and who He is.
When I leave my home in Hamilton, Al and go to another city...regardless of where it is I feel like I am in a culture shock! I am quickly humbled! When I get outside of my comfort zone and out of my bubble and take a look at the "real world"...what we live in I am in absolute shock. Why can't my bubble be the "real world". I believe it will and is going to look like my bubble one day! It's just not yet. I've been on this crazy journey with the Lord. I've been learning to understand atheism and agnostics. Why do they feel the way that they feel? What causes them to question who God is? Or simply not believe??
Of course God had to take me on my own personal journey with Him and myself first. I had to be strengthened in my heart and mind. I had to KNOW who I was and who God was. Now I have a heart for those who literally claim not to believe. And I love it!
Did you know that most atheist outlook on christianity is this: We're in 2010! We need to move past the whole "Jesus" thing. If you "fall into" the christianity gimmick you're weak!
I know, I know...it makes me sick too! I so want those who have questions to find answers. I believe that if you are an atheist or agnostic that you are not weak if you "fall into" christianity. I believe that it takes a very strong person to believe in God. It takes discipline and endurance. Most of the time I do not understand God at all! But I have this supernatural grace and perserverance that He's given me to be content with not understanding! And to keep loving Him and the mystery of His person.
Casey Doss taught a message a couple of months ago about "Blind Bartimaeus". It rocked me!
First of all, Blind Bartimaeus is not his name! His name actually means "Son of a noble man". Bartemaeus KNEW who He was supposed to be. But here he is broke and blind on the side of the road. He hears that Jesus of Nazareth is near by and begins to shout, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" People started to tell him to be quiet but he only shouted louder! Again, he shouts to Jesus. When Jesus hears Bartimaeus he stops and tells him to come to him. Bartimaeus jumps up and runs to Jesus! On this particular day during this teaching, Casey says, "What if God just wants to see how bad you want Him?!" All of our enduring and perservering is NOT in vain!
If only atheist and agnostics could keep seeking! If only they would not give up. I'm not saying sit on your butt and expect God to just SHOW UP! (Which I totally believe He would do) BUT to say, "You know what!? I want you God. I want to have encounters with you !...I want YOU!" I know that He hears us. And I know that He will come on the 4th call as fast as He'd come to the 1st. I look at it like this: Girls tend to make guys chase. You know what I'm talking about! You want them to think you're important enough that they will do anything and everything to have you. Nothing and no one is as important as you are. I so believe that God wants that too! For us to be so head over heels for Him that we will shout His name over and over again until He says, "Your faith has healed you!" ...(or whatever you want at that time) haha. Then He wants us to follow Him down the road just like Bartimaeus.
Man, I would fan Him with palm leaves and wash His feet...and be blind all at the same time. Just to have Him near!!! But thankfully He's given me 20/20 eyesight and I can have Him whenever I want....somedays it takes a lot of endurance and sometimes I get tired of waiting but if I wait long enough...He'll come! Sometimes I just start to think about what I'm about to pray and BOOM! Holy Spirit is on me like white on rice! (southern statement). Sometimes I can't even speak I'm so encompassed by Him. Whew!!
So I kind of got off of my initial statement but my conclusion on this blog today is this: Get out of your bubble sometimes and take a look at the world we live in and REMEMBER what we're praying for. Remember that there are lost people who are scared and confused. They are in their own bubble of comfortable. I think God likes for us to be uncomfortable(: To find Him in the craziness of life. Remember who you are and who He is.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.
Before you were born I set you apart
and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”
Before you were born I set you apart
and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”
I really love this verse. I know that God was talking to Jeremiah but He knew all of us before we were ever formed in our mother's womb. I love that He knew me. I love that He still knows me. And God has set us all apart! I love that He knew if we were all the same...the world would fall apart. He's so smart.
These of course are my own thoughts with the Lord..I'm just sharing them with you. I feel that we all in general have one call/purpose that we share from the Lord. To pursue and burn for Him. To truly know and perceive the wonders of His person. And I feel that we all have an individual..personal call or purpose from the Lord. Our own set apart purpose. What makes us different from others. We have a gift inside that makes us a part of the stone wall we're to be. The gift that makes us fit right where we need to be.
Sometimes I'm not quite sure what it is exactly that makes me set apart other than the fact that I love Jesus with everything inside of me. I get so excited (insert other words that I can't even come up with to describe feelings I have for Him) That I honestly believe I have completely and utterly lost my mind! Yes...I'll admit it..I'm a little crazy. That's how in love I am with Him. But I'm surrounded by other people who love Him just like that too! So how does that set me apart. There has to be something else inside of me. Maybe it's still being pruned? Maybe it is there but has not been discovered or accepted?
My Jesus has really been working with me on not defining myself by the people I am around but by who I am in Him. I must define myself by who He has set me apart to be. Whether other people accept me for who I am or not..He does. Of course He daily prunes me....so I'm always being molded into who He wants me to be. One day it may be attitude and the next day He may be helping me on my mindset or view of the way I think situations should be. It's good for people to have a different outlook on life than I do. It's okay for things to be seen in a different light. It doesn't mean that it is wrong or right. Just different.
Example: I think that natural childbirth is the way to go! For multiple reasons that I will not list today(: It was the perfect thing for ME...BUT some people felt the right thing for them was to..maybe get an epidural or not breastfeed. Hey! That is okay!! I do not look at people who chose the opposite of me differently because they didn't want to do the same thing I did.
I guess my whole point of this blog is that so many people judge others based on their mindset or view of life. Maybe they didn't make the same decisions you did or thought differently about a subject or situation than you. They probably didn't have the same parents, same childhood, same teenage years or adult life as you. So many things affect the way that we react to situations. God has really been teaching me this the past few weeks. It has been a long time since I have looked at a person and thought differently of them because of a decision that they have made. I've learned to love people as they are. The way that I see it may be wrong anyways. It may not even be how God would have it...so I can only hope and believe that through the love He has given me that He would have His glory!
I want to look like "ME". I want to look like Sydney. The one that He always wanted me to look like. I want to walk into my purpose and call not someone else's. If I'm trying to fill someone else's shoes I'll never fill mine. He called me to be different and to be set apart. He called me to look like Him! Let's all look like Him in the way He intended us to!
There is so much more to this that I've learned but I'll keep that in my secret place. I just want to keep seeking Him and knowing Him.
In Him I find myself!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
For the past month and a half we've been here and there and gone and back. We would spend 3 days home and 4 away. Mostly on the weekends. So two weddings, one birth and out of town trip later...we're finally home for more than 3 days!! I enjoyed visiting family and friends and serving in weddings and whatever else...but I missed my Ramp family. Oh, how I missed the God and Holy Spirit filled Sunday and Wednesday nights!!! God has been really speaking to me the past few days and I love it. His voice is sooo.....AMAZING! His love is...UNDESCRIBABLE!! And basically I'm excited about being home with family and God. Although He was everywhere I went and we spent time together...it's just not the same when there's absolutely nothing on my mind. No worrying about what time rehearsal dinner is. Where is my child? Will I get to see my mom while I'm home? Or holding my sweet new baby brother. Just me and Jesus.
I really love this verse : My determined purpose is that I may know him, that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His person -Phillipians 3:10
I'm really on a search to do just that.
Although I feel that I already know Him...I know there is SOOO much more that I don't know. He amazes me everyday and although I know that I can never understand Him...it fascinates me. He's the mysterious man we all "dream" about. He is enticing and I love the chase(: But even though I feel like the chaser...I'm the chasee but then again He's the chasee while I'm the chaser...? Oh, how I love Him! He's my romance novel that I can't put down. Better yet my Romance movie I don't want to end! Thankfully it never ends.
I really love this verse : My determined purpose is that I may know him, that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His person -Phillipians 3:10
I'm really on a search to do just that.
Although I feel that I already know Him...I know there is SOOO much more that I don't know. He amazes me everyday and although I know that I can never understand Him...it fascinates me. He's the mysterious man we all "dream" about. He is enticing and I love the chase(: But even though I feel like the chaser...I'm the chasee but then again He's the chasee while I'm the chaser...? Oh, how I love Him! He's my romance novel that I can't put down. Better yet my Romance movie I don't want to end! Thankfully it never ends.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Community
Have you ever thought about what makes community good? I have.
I grew up in a place called Meridian, Ms. But lived in a community called "Martin". Practically, we learned a lot there.
A community is a group of people, whether religious or social, who all share the same characterisitics or interests.
I believe that real..true community are like family. My home is your home. If anyone in my community EVER asked me for anything I would be there in a heartbeat! If you're sick, I'll help take care of you until you are better. If your power goes out, come to my house in the cool air. If you lose water, bring your family to my house and I'll send my husband to help fix what he can. No food? I'll cook you dinner. Yes, I have my own family to tend to and take care of. I have a home that needs to be cleaned and I have things I want to go do. But nothing compares to the joy of helping others in need, especially when it's your "community family". God will take care of me and my family if I'm helping yours!
I would go on, but this isn't the place. So consider this just food for thought.
Our last visit to Meridian...we stopped at "hole in the wall" place called DT's. After ordering our food and preparing to pay for it we were informed that they didn't accept debit cards. And that was all we had with us! A guy we knew from the "community" we lived in stepped up and threw $15 on the counter. And he DIDN'T ask for us to repay him!! (Which we would totally do!) That is what I call community! I know that the Lord will return that blessing x100! And I pray that He does! We should all remember that! Even if God didn't repay me for blessing someone else...I would gladly and joyfully bless others! It is healing to my heart!
Do you have that in you?
I grew up in a place called Meridian, Ms. But lived in a community called "Martin". Practically, we learned a lot there.
A community is a group of people, whether religious or social, who all share the same characterisitics or interests.
I believe that real..true community are like family. My home is your home. If anyone in my community EVER asked me for anything I would be there in a heartbeat! If you're sick, I'll help take care of you until you are better. If your power goes out, come to my house in the cool air. If you lose water, bring your family to my house and I'll send my husband to help fix what he can. No food? I'll cook you dinner. Yes, I have my own family to tend to and take care of. I have a home that needs to be cleaned and I have things I want to go do. But nothing compares to the joy of helping others in need, especially when it's your "community family". God will take care of me and my family if I'm helping yours!
I would go on, but this isn't the place. So consider this just food for thought.
Our last visit to Meridian...we stopped at "hole in the wall" place called DT's. After ordering our food and preparing to pay for it we were informed that they didn't accept debit cards. And that was all we had with us! A guy we knew from the "community" we lived in stepped up and threw $15 on the counter. And he DIDN'T ask for us to repay him!! (Which we would totally do!) That is what I call community! I know that the Lord will return that blessing x100! And I pray that He does! We should all remember that! Even if God didn't repay me for blessing someone else...I would gladly and joyfully bless others! It is healing to my heart!
Do you have that in you?
A short blog of frustration.
I literally wrote a long blog about the last 2 weeks and decided it would be better if I didn't say what I really wanted to say. I'm not quite sure if anyone even reads these but just to stay on the safe side....I won't post my heart right now. Therefore, I'll let you know that my two weeks have been JAM-PACKED with a lot of frustration. I feel like I'm holding a bag of emotions and I'm running in circles. Have you ever heard that saying, "Running around like a chicken with it's head cut off"? That is exactly how I feel.
When you are at the beginning of a terrible thunderstorm, you can't see through it. But when you get half way through, you start to see the end...and the pretty blue skies. I know I just went through the beginning of my terrible thunderstorm...soon i'll see the blue sky.
When you are at the beginning of a terrible thunderstorm, you can't see through it. But when you get half way through, you start to see the end...and the pretty blue skies. I know I just went through the beginning of my terrible thunderstorm...soon i'll see the blue sky.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Are you in unity?
Unity: Noun
1. The state of being one: oneness
2. The state of fact of being united or combined into one, as of the parts of a whole; unification.
3. Absence of diversity
4. Oneness of mind, feeling, etc. Concord harmony or agreement.
"Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, ut associate with the humle. Do not be wise in your own opinion." - Romans 12:16
"Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each others faults because of your love. Always keep yourselves united in the Holy Spirit, and bind yourselves together with peace." - Ephesians 4:1-3
I believe that it is easy to become disunified (to destroy the unity of) with the body of Christ. I also believe that if we are not seeing the "signs and miracles" or the "revival" that we want to see it is because as a body we are not unified. If I don't truly know the people I am in company with, then how can we work together if I don't know how they work?
If I have an "issue" with someone or someone has an "issue" with me...then somewhere in my heart or theirs we have become disunified. Therefore, their fruit to the other, whether it be in spirit or not, cannot be justified. My question is: When does authority step in and take back unity? As humans there is only so far that we can go on our own to fix a problem in the body of Christ...then God, who can do ALL things, fixes...ALL things! Judgement and Gossip have slipped in and broken unity and we've all been blind.
God I pray that you will give me humility and a heart that will be unified! Help me to be patient and give allowance for other's fault. Give others the patience, humility and love they need to give me allowance for my faults. Help me be in one mind with others on and off of the platform we've been given. Last of all, teach me to love. Without love, none of this is possible. Thank you Jesus! for your blood. Amen.
Have you let yourself become disunified? Ask Holy Spirit to reveal to you your true hearts condition. Because both the inward thought and heart of man are deep....Psalm 64:6 with all the love I have to give..I love you(:
1. The state of being one: oneness
2. The state of fact of being united or combined into one, as of the parts of a whole; unification.
3. Absence of diversity
4. Oneness of mind, feeling, etc. Concord harmony or agreement.
"Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, ut associate with the humle. Do not be wise in your own opinion." - Romans 12:16
"Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each others faults because of your love. Always keep yourselves united in the Holy Spirit, and bind yourselves together with peace." - Ephesians 4:1-3
I believe that it is easy to become disunified (to destroy the unity of) with the body of Christ. I also believe that if we are not seeing the "signs and miracles" or the "revival" that we want to see it is because as a body we are not unified. If I don't truly know the people I am in company with, then how can we work together if I don't know how they work?
If I have an "issue" with someone or someone has an "issue" with me...then somewhere in my heart or theirs we have become disunified. Therefore, their fruit to the other, whether it be in spirit or not, cannot be justified. My question is: When does authority step in and take back unity? As humans there is only so far that we can go on our own to fix a problem in the body of Christ...then God, who can do ALL things, fixes...ALL things! Judgement and Gossip have slipped in and broken unity and we've all been blind.
God I pray that you will give me humility and a heart that will be unified! Help me to be patient and give allowance for other's fault. Give others the patience, humility and love they need to give me allowance for my faults. Help me be in one mind with others on and off of the platform we've been given. Last of all, teach me to love. Without love, none of this is possible. Thank you Jesus! for your blood. Amen.
Have you let yourself become disunified? Ask Holy Spirit to reveal to you your true hearts condition. Because both the inward thought and heart of man are deep....Psalm 64:6 with all the love I have to give..I love you(:
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
His heart.
Lately, (when I say lately I mean for months now) I have truly been praying to know the Father's heart. I want what he wants with all of my heart. His way is always perfect.
When I was a little girl my church would take groups to Guatemala. I always wanted to go but I was never old enough; once I was we had moved churches. A desire of mine was always to travel to another country, nation...jungle and tell people about JESUS! That desire never faded but was pushed way back to the bottom of my "desire" pile. I think not burning for his heart caused that result. OH, but I have been burning for a long time now...and one of his many desires has become my #1 desire again!!! I have this burning in me to go to other nations. God LOVES South America. And they are on my heart because they were first on the Father's heart. Of course I know there are many other countries He wants, but I am drawn to this one. You know when you want something so bad you can almost taste it? That is how I feel. Constant.
I love delighting myself in Him. Because soon....this desire of "OURS" will happen. Until then, I'm going to prepare myself in every way possible.
It's amazing to me...that verse: "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desires." Ps 37:4 - It is so true. If we truly delight ourselves in the Lord..we fall so in love with Him and his heart. We want to know his heart and what he wants. What he wants are "desires". Then his desires become "our" desires. ....and He will give you your heart's desires. I desire South America! I desire them to KNOW Jesus Christ, the REAL Jesus!
I hear so many people here say, "I always thought I knew what I wanted...but everything has changed now." It's because we've delighted ourselves in the Lord!! Everything changes when He becomes numero uno (: I desire what He desires for the Earth and for my life. HIS WAY IS ALWAYS PERFECT!!
I'd like to encourage you today to take time to ask God what He desires. God, what is on your heart today??? I want what you want! I'll ask for the nations!
When I was a little girl my church would take groups to Guatemala. I always wanted to go but I was never old enough; once I was we had moved churches. A desire of mine was always to travel to another country, nation...jungle and tell people about JESUS! That desire never faded but was pushed way back to the bottom of my "desire" pile. I think not burning for his heart caused that result. OH, but I have been burning for a long time now...and one of his many desires has become my #1 desire again!!! I have this burning in me to go to other nations. God LOVES South America. And they are on my heart because they were first on the Father's heart. Of course I know there are many other countries He wants, but I am drawn to this one. You know when you want something so bad you can almost taste it? That is how I feel. Constant.
I love delighting myself in Him. Because soon....this desire of "OURS" will happen. Until then, I'm going to prepare myself in every way possible.
It's amazing to me...that verse: "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desires." Ps 37:4 - It is so true. If we truly delight ourselves in the Lord..we fall so in love with Him and his heart. We want to know his heart and what he wants. What he wants are "desires". Then his desires become "our" desires. ....and He will give you your heart's desires. I desire South America! I desire them to KNOW Jesus Christ, the REAL Jesus!
I hear so many people here say, "I always thought I knew what I wanted...but everything has changed now." It's because we've delighted ourselves in the Lord!! Everything changes when He becomes numero uno (: I desire what He desires for the Earth and for my life. HIS WAY IS ALWAYS PERFECT!!
I'd like to encourage you today to take time to ask God what He desires. God, what is on your heart today??? I want what you want! I'll ask for the nations!
Monday, May 31, 2010
I just love Jesus!
This past "Ramp Weekend" was amazing! It was our first ramp with only Mrs. Karen and Chosen...and most importantly God. He was awesome! The first night...somehow the only room that lost power was the "sanctuary" room. And honestly it was louder than if there was power. I can't explain in words the power that I felt in that room when there was NO power!
A few weeks back I had one of the most amazing encounter's with Jesus that I have ever had in my whole life of knowing Him. All I could hear him say was, "This is me. This is me." "You don't have to imagine. This is me." Oh my! I could literally..physically feel the presence of Jesus, like I never have before! Since then...randomly in my home during prayer, I have had encounters that are almost unbelievable! He has taken me sooo deep to a place I've longed to go and keeps taking me deeper! I love being in this intimate place with my Beloved.
Basically I don't know what this blog is even about...I just LOVE Jesus!!! I love his presence! And I want more and more and more! (:
A few weeks back I had one of the most amazing encounter's with Jesus that I have ever had in my whole life of knowing Him. All I could hear him say was, "This is me. This is me." "You don't have to imagine. This is me." Oh my! I could literally..physically feel the presence of Jesus, like I never have before! Since then...randomly in my home during prayer, I have had encounters that are almost unbelievable! He has taken me sooo deep to a place I've longed to go and keeps taking me deeper! I love being in this intimate place with my Beloved.
Basically I don't know what this blog is even about...I just LOVE Jesus!!! I love his presence! And I want more and more and more! (:
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Your will, not mine.
I love revelation. I love epiphanies. Whatever you'd like to call them..I love them. We have lived in Hamilton, Al for a year now. It's hard to believe but it's true. Before moving to this place that shouldn't belong on a map, we were set. About to buy a home, bought a vehicle, and recently had a beautiful little girl. I've realized that it's not "moving to Hamilton" that turns your life upside down. It's just....Jesus. He's here. And he has a plan...and even though I sometimes..let me rephrase that USUALLY don't know what his plans are; they are always perfect. We moved here and within 3 months, as you could imagine with no jobs, were completely broke. Scrapping for pennies is an understatement. & we had left all friends and family in our hometown. As much as I love the Lord I didn't understand why this was happening to us. I tithe and give offering so it made no sense to me at all! Yet God had a plan!
I always felt like I had faith and trust in God...but I was also always secure financially and emotionally. But moving here that rug was ripped out from under us before we could blink! Every bit of faith or trust I thought I had was no where to be found. Proverbs 12:25 says, "Anxiety in the heart of a man causes depression, but a good word makes it glad." Anxiety for me had sunken in...I am and always have been great with money and to not have any left me anxious and worried. We didn't know where our next paycheck would come from or how we would buy diapers for Eden when we needed them. Holy Spirit in me told me not to worry...but flesh told me it was all I could do. Yet God had a plan!! For several months we fought this storm. Not only this storm but others...But Holy Spirit told me..and still tells me not to worry.
To end this sad story, I'll tell you the end! (: I had a revelation! FINALLY, what took you so long? I'm not sure, timing I assume? And the weird thing is that I knew it all along, I just had not applied it yet. I realized that God is my provider. He gives me food, he gives me clothing and he gives me rest! Everything I need He provides. And he always did. Worrying caused me to be a double minded person. I did not truly trust and have faith in God to provide. All of a sudden Holy Spirit drowned out my flesh. I didn't hear flesh, I only heard Holy Spirit. "You don't have to worry, Sydney, I am your provider! I love you and I'll always take care of you! Abide in me and I will abide in you." I told myself this everyday over and over again. The weight was lifted and my heart was GLAD again!
One month later, after repeating this over to myself. Work came through for us! It's almost like...by TRULY having faith and trust in God...He could not only give me what I 'need' but so much more. The most wonderful gift I recieved from this long, hard and uncomfortable experience was the gift of Faith and Trust. TRUE faith and trust. God's plan was far more than I could have ever hoped that it would be! He is so awesome and I love that He loves me the way He does. I feel that if we had lived in Meridian our whole lives, kept our great jobs, had our dream home and perfect little family...I would not have been refined in such a way! I would not have recieved such a wonderful gift. Refine me like silver and gold, Jesus! Teach me to be all spirit, no flesh!
It's crazy how you never really understand until the storm is over. Then you can look back at everything you went through and go, "OH...I get it." God's got jokes. (:
I always felt like I had faith and trust in God...but I was also always secure financially and emotionally. But moving here that rug was ripped out from under us before we could blink! Every bit of faith or trust I thought I had was no where to be found. Proverbs 12:25 says, "Anxiety in the heart of a man causes depression, but a good word makes it glad." Anxiety for me had sunken in...I am and always have been great with money and to not have any left me anxious and worried. We didn't know where our next paycheck would come from or how we would buy diapers for Eden when we needed them. Holy Spirit in me told me not to worry...but flesh told me it was all I could do. Yet God had a plan!! For several months we fought this storm. Not only this storm but others...But Holy Spirit told me..and still tells me not to worry.
To end this sad story, I'll tell you the end! (: I had a revelation! FINALLY, what took you so long? I'm not sure, timing I assume? And the weird thing is that I knew it all along, I just had not applied it yet. I realized that God is my provider. He gives me food, he gives me clothing and he gives me rest! Everything I need He provides. And he always did. Worrying caused me to be a double minded person. I did not truly trust and have faith in God to provide. All of a sudden Holy Spirit drowned out my flesh. I didn't hear flesh, I only heard Holy Spirit. "You don't have to worry, Sydney, I am your provider! I love you and I'll always take care of you! Abide in me and I will abide in you." I told myself this everyday over and over again. The weight was lifted and my heart was GLAD again!
One month later, after repeating this over to myself. Work came through for us! It's almost like...by TRULY having faith and trust in God...He could not only give me what I 'need' but so much more. The most wonderful gift I recieved from this long, hard and uncomfortable experience was the gift of Faith and Trust. TRUE faith and trust. God's plan was far more than I could have ever hoped that it would be! He is so awesome and I love that He loves me the way He does. I feel that if we had lived in Meridian our whole lives, kept our great jobs, had our dream home and perfect little family...I would not have been refined in such a way! I would not have recieved such a wonderful gift. Refine me like silver and gold, Jesus! Teach me to be all spirit, no flesh!
It's crazy how you never really understand until the storm is over. Then you can look back at everything you went through and go, "OH...I get it." God's got jokes. (:
Friday, April 2, 2010
My love/hate relationship with pruning...
It is most definately a beautiful day today! We left Hamilton last night at 11...got to Meridian this morning around 2. We like to be spur of the moment people sometimes!
I've been reading a book called "Power of a Praying Parent" by Stormie Omartian. I recommend it to all! I literally read this book in 2 hours. I was so intrigued! I pray for Eden everyday...more than once. I think this book gave me a different outlook on things though! SO I've upped the prayer life for Eden! She even prayed with me....cutest thing in the world!
Yep, that's her.
"Pour out your heart like water before the face of the Lord. Lift up your hands toward him for the life of your young children. -Lamentations 2:19
I'm very excited about what God is doing in my life right now. I mean...I'm always excited but this is a maturing process that I have a hate/love relationship with. I think I've finally accepted it and realized that the Lord is pruning(: And fruit is growing! I mean seriously it's hard therefore I hate it...but I love it because I know when this season is over...Oh wow! What a glorious day it will be.
I pray for strength and endurance! I love this day...
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Just the Beginning...
I googled the definition of blog...
Blog- to read, write or edit a shared online journal.
This is a vulnerable situation....but I think I'm willing!
I guess I could start off by introducing you to myself. I'm a wife and a mother and most importantly a daughter to the Most High. Job description...there's really not one at the moment. Just enjoying the time I have with family at home. About 9 months ago we moved to Hamilton, AL...don't know where that is? That's probably correct. I'd be suprised if it was even on a map. From June til now it has most definately been "rocky". Financially and emotionally! I have a minor problem of setting my hopes to high. Thinking situations will be better than they really will be...but God has definately shown himself faithful and true! Sometimes I feel like I'm holding on by a thread...that could seriously break at any moment, but it hasn't yet. Honestly I don't think it will....I know it won't! I have a husband who loves me with all of his heart...and daughter who loves me even though she's not quite sure how to show me (: And a Father who loved me so much he sent his only son to die on the cross for me...What is man that thou art mindful of him? Thank you Jesus. I know the thread can never break!
Blog- to read, write or edit a shared online journal.
This is a vulnerable situation....but I think I'm willing!
I guess I could start off by introducing you to myself. I'm a wife and a mother and most importantly a daughter to the Most High. Job description...there's really not one at the moment. Just enjoying the time I have with family at home. About 9 months ago we moved to Hamilton, AL...don't know where that is? That's probably correct. I'd be suprised if it was even on a map. From June til now it has most definately been "rocky". Financially and emotionally! I have a minor problem of setting my hopes to high. Thinking situations will be better than they really will be...but God has definately shown himself faithful and true! Sometimes I feel like I'm holding on by a thread...that could seriously break at any moment, but it hasn't yet. Honestly I don't think it will....I know it won't! I have a husband who loves me with all of his heart...and daughter who loves me even though she's not quite sure how to show me (: And a Father who loved me so much he sent his only son to die on the cross for me...What is man that thou art mindful of him? Thank you Jesus. I know the thread can never break!
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