You know those people who say, "I can't wait to get out of this town!"....well, I have never been one of those people. I was born in Meridian, Ms. I grew up in Meridian, and I love Meridian!
Caleb was on Chosen from the beginning of 2006 until the end of 2007. So, two years...
He took a "break" ( I guess you could say ) from the team to prepare for marriage and take care of financial matters. We got married May 3 of 2008. That October I was 4 months pregnant and the thought of Hamilton began to imbed itself in our minds. The Lord started a stirring in Caleb's heart to return. For me it was only a thought. I said, "Maybe one day".
At seven months pregnant, Caleb began to feel this stirring even more strongly and really began to seek the Lord about it in prayer. The thought of moving away from my family with a newborn did not settle well with me. I needed a definite word from God.
Caleb went to work at 8 every morning and I was usually still asleep. This particular morning in my half asleep/awake stage I clearly heard Caleb say, "Pack your bags...you're moving to Hamilton". When I completely woke up, I jumped up and ran in every room in our small home trying to find Caleb. He was no where to be found. I called him at work and asked him did he tell me that and he said no. The strange thing was He finally clearly heard the Lord tell him the SAME thing!! That morning!! Immediately I had peace in my heart. I was ready to move to Hamilton on the word of God.
When Eden was only 3 months old...we moved to Hamilton. It was a hard transition. But we were willing vessels saying YES to the will of God. We knew when we moved that this would only be for a season of our lives. This would not be permanent for us. We expected it would be 5-10 years....at the least! Many times we've tried to make our lives here permanent. We have planted business. Attempted to buy a home. Make deep connections with others, etc. Nothing seemed to work though. Our business just got us by. Our loan wouldn't go through. And the deep connections were far and few between, although there are those we consider friends who stick closer than a brother! I believe God didn't allow the permanent fixes to stick because He knew it wouldn't be long until He called us home.
Six to seven months ago the Lord began to stir in my heart dreams of Meridian. I literally smelled Meridian. I thought about it constantly and missed it a lot. So...I started rebuking a "familiar spirit"! Haha! I told it Hamilton is the place God called us to and I started breaking any ties with Meridian that I might have forgotten about. But this stirring just didn't go away. So, I began praying into it HARD! Dreams I used to have for Meridian (that I had pushed back) started to come forth. I started desiring to do these things. God has hope for Meridian! One day, I said to Caleb, "I miss Meridian"....and he responded with the same statement. I asked him had he been feeling the same things I was and He said yes. Together we began to pray into this.
God has a perfect will for our lives. He knows the right and wrong move and we know that anything we do without His word is in vain. We know that we could move home and it not be the word of God for us and fail. When I say we prayed...we PRAYED!
After Christmas I felt the stirring even stronger! I knew the Lord was saying it was time. We've only lived in Hamilton 1 year and 7 months. Why would He call us to a place for this period of time? "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens" -Ecc 3:1
That is the only answer I got.
Again we say yes Lord to all you have for us. We are willing vessels! We so want to fulfil His call for our lives!!
Our first move, before telling ANYONE, was to go to Mrs. Karen...our spiritual authority. I advise everyone to have spiritual authority in your life! The right order of this was to get with her and tell her everything I felt the Lord was sharing with me and Caleb. She confirmed everything we had been hearing and blessed us on the word of the Lord. What a relief! Having that confirmation is glorious. There were times that I thought I was crazy and just simply missing home.
I am thankful with all of my heart that God brought us here. Although we never had a platform to speak on, or a mic in our hands...we learned so many valuable things that are ETERNAL! We grew as husband and wife, as parents and as a son and daughter of God. We have spent more of our married life in Hamilton than any other place. Our first daughter has spent most of her life (so far) in Hamilton. We have great friends here in Hamilton. This will be a hard transition but beautiful all in the same. I believe God brought us to Hamilton to attain something we can take back to Meridian, that Meridian does not have! Awakening!
I look forward to more tent revivals in the Ben Arthur Davis park. I look forward to lives being totally and radically changed for the glory of the Lord. I look forward to a new journey in our hearts. Our hearts will always be a part of The Ramp and Hamilton. We will stay connected and continue being a part. God has huge plans and I am excited and thankful that He is using us. I am thankful that He is faithful in everything.
To all our Ramp community family: We love you all very much! We will always keep each and every one of you in our prayers. We're not falling off the face of the earth....I promise! Every conference weekend and Sunday night service we can make, we WILL be back! We thank each and everyone of you who have been a part of our lives. Thank you for loving us back.
K, I have to stop now before the tears start flowing.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Jesus is a sword. Dividing between flesh and spirit.
As humans we tend to imagine God as who we think He is. We don't truly have knowledge of who He is. Imagining God as one thing compared to who He really is, is such a dangerous place. In our fault we can say, "Oh, he is God, full of grace and mercy." But remember that He is also Just! As a parent, I understand this next statement better. Yes, He is a father...but a father that TRULY loves also disciplines. When I was little I remember my dad spanking me, then turning me around and asking me, "Do you know why I did that? Because I love you!"
In everything we analyze and decide who we think God is. There are so many areas I can go into concerning this but in prayer this morning, God laid something specific on my heart.
"Do you think I have come to bring peace to the earth? No, I have come to divide people against each other! From now on, families will be split apart, three in favor of me, and two against- or two in favor and three against. Father will be divided against son and son against father; mother against daughter and daughter against mother; and mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law. -Luke 12:51-53
That is semi-hard to imagine, huh? That Jesus really didn't come to bring peace and unity but division between flesh and spirit. Relationships developed in the flesh and not spirit eventually end in death. Being reared in a christian home, and rearing my children in a christian home is so desireable to me. I love them with all of my heart and could not imagine being seperated from them. Being 155.11 miles away from my own family is hard enough. It is so important to yoke ourselves with those who are like-minded for Christ. This passage not only pushes me to make sure I teach my children the ways of the Lord but also that I pray for my family who does not know Him for who He truly is. I want these people to remain in my life. I want to look beside me and see them running this race too! And if and whenever they stumble, I want to take them by the hand and be an encouragement.
Jesus also states this, "If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. And whosoever doth not bear his cross, and come after me, cannot be my disciple." -Luke 14: 26-27
Ok, you don't have to hate on everybody! This simply means that He should be so loved by you that you will follow him no matter the circumstances! I thought about this verse while watching Ratatoullie with Eden and Caleb last night (Hilarious movie if you've never seen it). Remy, the main mouse, is very different from his family. He loves to cook and he's very good at it! He gets seperated from his family for a while and ends up at his favorite restaraunt, Gusteau's. While there he sits in the chef hat of a terrible cook and helps him cook good meals. Eventually he is reunited with his family. He has been taught that all great chefs do not steal food. He lets his family get the best of him and begins to sneak food to them. Eventually, he lets his whole rodent family into the restaraunt one night to take what they want....and he gets caught!
Although he had commited himself to Linguini(the chef), after some discouragement he encountered, he let his family get the best of him. His loyalty was indeed not to the chef after all.
I see our relationship with Christ this way. When we commit to dying daily and taking up our cross, we put Christ above all. Our loyalty is to Him and him alone. You forsake ALL to take up your cross and follow Him wherever He may lead.
A.W Tozer says this, "Flesh must always be sacrificed to the spirit and the heavenly placed above the earthly, and that at any cost. When we take up the cross, we become expendable, along with all natural friendships and all previous loyalties and Christ becomes all in all." Nicely put.
Although I personally believe that God wants us to enjoy those He has placed in our lives, He also wants those relationships to be equally yoked. I can tell you from experience it is hard to maintain a relationship with someone who is not spiritually in the same place as you. Our lives should revolve around Christ and our spiritual relationship with Him. It is eternally important. Religion (or our relationship with Christ) SHOULD interfere in our private lives. It should be a constant in our lives. He created you and He has the right to be in every crevice and crack. Denying Him that place is a non-devoted heart.
And don't feel that division is the end of the world either! While we know that God knows only the perfect plan in the end, we should trust that. Sometimes division is necessary for God to take us to the place intended for us from the beginning of time. He will not forsake us(: He is a good God in the hard places and the good places. Take the time to draw near to Him in the hard places and soar on the easy roads. He takes all things intended for evil and indeed makes them good!
This is a good test and will show the true intentions of the heart. Definitely not a bad thing(:
In everything we analyze and decide who we think God is. There are so many areas I can go into concerning this but in prayer this morning, God laid something specific on my heart.
"Do you think I have come to bring peace to the earth? No, I have come to divide people against each other! From now on, families will be split apart, three in favor of me, and two against- or two in favor and three against. Father will be divided against son and son against father; mother against daughter and daughter against mother; and mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law. -Luke 12:51-53
That is semi-hard to imagine, huh? That Jesus really didn't come to bring peace and unity but division between flesh and spirit. Relationships developed in the flesh and not spirit eventually end in death. Being reared in a christian home, and rearing my children in a christian home is so desireable to me. I love them with all of my heart and could not imagine being seperated from them. Being 155.11 miles away from my own family is hard enough. It is so important to yoke ourselves with those who are like-minded for Christ. This passage not only pushes me to make sure I teach my children the ways of the Lord but also that I pray for my family who does not know Him for who He truly is. I want these people to remain in my life. I want to look beside me and see them running this race too! And if and whenever they stumble, I want to take them by the hand and be an encouragement.
Jesus also states this, "If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. And whosoever doth not bear his cross, and come after me, cannot be my disciple." -Luke 14: 26-27
Ok, you don't have to hate on everybody! This simply means that He should be so loved by you that you will follow him no matter the circumstances! I thought about this verse while watching Ratatoullie with Eden and Caleb last night (Hilarious movie if you've never seen it). Remy, the main mouse, is very different from his family. He loves to cook and he's very good at it! He gets seperated from his family for a while and ends up at his favorite restaraunt, Gusteau's. While there he sits in the chef hat of a terrible cook and helps him cook good meals. Eventually he is reunited with his family. He has been taught that all great chefs do not steal food. He lets his family get the best of him and begins to sneak food to them. Eventually, he lets his whole rodent family into the restaraunt one night to take what they want....and he gets caught!
Although he had commited himself to Linguini(the chef), after some discouragement he encountered, he let his family get the best of him. His loyalty was indeed not to the chef after all.
I see our relationship with Christ this way. When we commit to dying daily and taking up our cross, we put Christ above all. Our loyalty is to Him and him alone. You forsake ALL to take up your cross and follow Him wherever He may lead.
A.W Tozer says this, "Flesh must always be sacrificed to the spirit and the heavenly placed above the earthly, and that at any cost. When we take up the cross, we become expendable, along with all natural friendships and all previous loyalties and Christ becomes all in all." Nicely put.
Although I personally believe that God wants us to enjoy those He has placed in our lives, He also wants those relationships to be equally yoked. I can tell you from experience it is hard to maintain a relationship with someone who is not spiritually in the same place as you. Our lives should revolve around Christ and our spiritual relationship with Him. It is eternally important. Religion (or our relationship with Christ) SHOULD interfere in our private lives. It should be a constant in our lives. He created you and He has the right to be in every crevice and crack. Denying Him that place is a non-devoted heart.
And don't feel that division is the end of the world either! While we know that God knows only the perfect plan in the end, we should trust that. Sometimes division is necessary for God to take us to the place intended for us from the beginning of time. He will not forsake us(: He is a good God in the hard places and the good places. Take the time to draw near to Him in the hard places and soar on the easy roads. He takes all things intended for evil and indeed makes them good!
This is a good test and will show the true intentions of the heart. Definitely not a bad thing(:
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Would this be considered a biography?
I came across a question the other day which I attempted to answer in my head but could not. So I thought the best place to do so would be here. So for those of you who are only aquaintances, enjoy!
Who are you? Enlighten me about yourself...
Here goes...
Keep in mind that I am only 21 and this will more than likely change with time. So I will include those things that have stayed with me along with the "now".
1. I was the eldest child. I definitely think that plays a big part in personality. I didn't have a sibling until I was 5 1/2. My mom always said that even before my sister came along that I wasn't good at playing by myself. I always wanted a friend to play with. That has stuck with me through life. I enjoy people. I could spend all day hanging out with someone even if that meant not talking and just watching movies. I love the presence of people. One thing that has changed in the past 3 years is that I enjoy my alone time also. That is when I enjoy the presence of God.
Onto other things..
2. I will carry on a conversation with ANYONE. Speaking of, here is an example. Caleb and I stopped in Ackerman to have someone look at something on my car before we sold it. Instead of letting Caleb handle it, I stood with the guy and talked about everything possible. I like meeting new people and making friends. It's not too hard for me for the most part. And...I def get along with those who are the same. Aricka Drewery, can carry on a conversation with a wall and I love that about her! Hence, she's a friend(:
3. I spend a lot of time being goofy. Most of my life's hours consist of being insanely stupid. Silly dancing, lip-syncing (bc I have no talent in that area) with a brush and jumping on my furniture. Yes, I remember...I'm still only 21. But I hope I never outgrow the silliness. The best thing about this part of "me" is that I'm married to someone very similar! Caleb has a cb in one of his trucks and we like to drive down the road singing like chinese people through it. He "dings" while I sing. It's very odd, because we can do this for 30 minutes without stopping. We break into crazy dance in our living room ALOT. I don't even have to tell him what I'm thinking...he like...reads my mind. My favorite part is our wrestling matches we have at midnight when we're both SO tired we can barely hold our eyes open. He usually wins. One time he pushed me off our bed (it's at least 4 feet high!) caught me by the feet so I banged my face on the side of our bed. It is a sleigh bed so all I hit was wood. Then I just crumpled to the floor in pain. We laughed so hard even though I was almost positive I broke my nose. We play soccer in our living room nearly every night. I win. I maintain lots of black and blue bruises on my legs. I swear he doesn't beat me.
4. I appreciate life more than anyone I currently know. I've been through it all and have never had it all. I witnessed my mom struggle and have struggled myself in more things than one. I feel that gives me a sense of appreciation. I don't regret the life I've had but am thankful it is what I was given. Lacking creates appreciation. God knew what He was doing. He developed REAL faith within me.
5. Talents- I have none. I don't sing. I danced in high school, but I wouldn't consider it a talent. I took piano for 9 years....and don't remember ONE thing. I can't even read music. No boasting intended but I am quite athletic. I played softball for 15 years. I played on Varsity for my school and also with a tournament team that traveled. I took gymnastics for 12 years and dance/cheer for 4. I made the soccer team but my mom made me quit before our first practice. I played basketball for my school and if I had any interest in tennis I would have pursued that but didn't. Oh, and I did track for a year. Sadly, I can't carry those "talents" if that's what you call it...into my adult life. I wish that they could advance the kingdom in some way but unless the world goes into mass chaos and I had to run a long way...I don't think it would matter. And I can't hit a softball and hope that brings Jesus. No giftings that I know of? yah-dah yah...
6. I think I have a slight sense of humor. My mom and I are pretty funny to hang out with. We crack a lot of jokes and are always laughing about something. I decided after analyzing myself (haha) that I can be a somewhat smart eleck(sp) with my humor. But never hurtful! I'm the type of person that if you have a booger in your nose...I'm going to whisper it in your ear. Don't worry, I'll tell you. But I would not embarass anyone! Not on purpose at least!
7. I'm probably one of the most honest people you meet. Not brutally honest, just honest. (Unless you are a cop and I ran a red light...then I might try and bend the truth some) Terrible, I know!! Not that I run red lights or anything. Yellow means slow down, not speed up. I have actually never had a ticket before. If you ever want to know anything just ask me and I'll tell you first hand. If I ever hear anything about anyone that seems odd...I'm probably just gonna ask them. No need in going through 10 people to find out the truth. I think that can become gossip anyways. I have to say though, it aggravates me when people don't do the same. If you hear something that makes you "think differently" of another person...just find out the truth for yourself! You could have possibly had a good friend indeed! I have learned that taking others for their word is not always the best. People lie! Sad truth, but it is true.
8. This may not even be about me...idk. Yes it is...I love to eat! My dad and I used to have eating contests when I was little. We would see who could eat the most sloppy joe's. I always won! Thankfully, I had this ridiculous metabolism. I love carbs. I love pastas with all of my heart. Mmmm-mmm! Give me a good baked potato with just the right amount of butter and cheese and I'll be your best friend for life. Well, since I love to eat, I enjoy cooking. I hate cleaning up afterwards...but putting that food in my mouth makes it all worth it! I even ate lunch at school. Most people don't do that. I would ask my friends who didn't eat all theirs if I could have the rest. That's how much I enjoyed it.
9. I love movies. Action, romance, comedy, suspense (not scary), you name it...I'll love it. If my job could be movie critic I would be a millionaire. Every day all day I would watch movies. Obviously, I have a life so I can't do that. Also, it would interfere with my time with God. I definitely can't have that. Maybe tv/movies is of the devil. Haha!!
10. I love my family more than anything in this world. Not only my husband and children, but ALL of them. My mom is my best friend. I call her everyday, literally 3 times or more. I love her so much because she doesn't always take my side. I know that seems a little crazy but I love how she weighs out a situation and gives me her conclusion. She's not some "spiritual" person. She's very simple and I love that. She's my "down to earth" bestie. My dad, I love simply because he is my dad. He's not always done things right by no means but at the end of the day he is my dad. He is a definte redneck living the redneck life. I think that's all I have to say about that! You will find him with a beer in his hand, a dip in his mouth and a few cuss words slingin around. He tried to teach me to cuss at people. Yes. That is him. I believe for some real salvation there. I could go on about every single person in my family and why I love them but that would be boring to you. Regardless, I love with all of my heart. I don't half-way do it. I've been made fun of a lot for having "too much" compassion. Call it what you may, but I sure do love the people in my life. I love them in their gross sin because He loved me in mine. And I believe through that, they'll see Him.
Who am I? Non-spiritually speaking...I'm Sydney Rachel Cagle Culpepper. Wife to Caleb Culpepper, by far the best earthly friend I'll ever have. Mother to a wonderful, full of life daughter and soon to be angel. A true friend to those I love. I enjoy a lot of laughs and some good food and most importantly friends who are real. I'm my own person. I love who I am and everything about me that makes me, me.
Who are you? Enlighten me about yourself...
Here goes...
Keep in mind that I am only 21 and this will more than likely change with time. So I will include those things that have stayed with me along with the "now".
1. I was the eldest child. I definitely think that plays a big part in personality. I didn't have a sibling until I was 5 1/2. My mom always said that even before my sister came along that I wasn't good at playing by myself. I always wanted a friend to play with. That has stuck with me through life. I enjoy people. I could spend all day hanging out with someone even if that meant not talking and just watching movies. I love the presence of people. One thing that has changed in the past 3 years is that I enjoy my alone time also. That is when I enjoy the presence of God.
Onto other things..
2. I will carry on a conversation with ANYONE. Speaking of, here is an example. Caleb and I stopped in Ackerman to have someone look at something on my car before we sold it. Instead of letting Caleb handle it, I stood with the guy and talked about everything possible. I like meeting new people and making friends. It's not too hard for me for the most part. And...I def get along with those who are the same. Aricka Drewery, can carry on a conversation with a wall and I love that about her! Hence, she's a friend(:
3. I spend a lot of time being goofy. Most of my life's hours consist of being insanely stupid. Silly dancing, lip-syncing (bc I have no talent in that area) with a brush and jumping on my furniture. Yes, I remember...I'm still only 21. But I hope I never outgrow the silliness. The best thing about this part of "me" is that I'm married to someone very similar! Caleb has a cb in one of his trucks and we like to drive down the road singing like chinese people through it. He "dings" while I sing. It's very odd, because we can do this for 30 minutes without stopping. We break into crazy dance in our living room ALOT. I don't even have to tell him what I'm thinking...he like...reads my mind. My favorite part is our wrestling matches we have at midnight when we're both SO tired we can barely hold our eyes open. He usually wins. One time he pushed me off our bed (it's at least 4 feet high!) caught me by the feet so I banged my face on the side of our bed. It is a sleigh bed so all I hit was wood. Then I just crumpled to the floor in pain. We laughed so hard even though I was almost positive I broke my nose. We play soccer in our living room nearly every night. I win. I maintain lots of black and blue bruises on my legs. I swear he doesn't beat me.
4. I appreciate life more than anyone I currently know. I've been through it all and have never had it all. I witnessed my mom struggle and have struggled myself in more things than one. I feel that gives me a sense of appreciation. I don't regret the life I've had but am thankful it is what I was given. Lacking creates appreciation. God knew what He was doing. He developed REAL faith within me.
5. Talents- I have none. I don't sing. I danced in high school, but I wouldn't consider it a talent. I took piano for 9 years....and don't remember ONE thing. I can't even read music. No boasting intended but I am quite athletic. I played softball for 15 years. I played on Varsity for my school and also with a tournament team that traveled. I took gymnastics for 12 years and dance/cheer for 4. I made the soccer team but my mom made me quit before our first practice. I played basketball for my school and if I had any interest in tennis I would have pursued that but didn't. Oh, and I did track for a year. Sadly, I can't carry those "talents" if that's what you call it...into my adult life. I wish that they could advance the kingdom in some way but unless the world goes into mass chaos and I had to run a long way...I don't think it would matter. And I can't hit a softball and hope that brings Jesus. No giftings that I know of? yah-dah yah...
6. I think I have a slight sense of humor. My mom and I are pretty funny to hang out with. We crack a lot of jokes and are always laughing about something. I decided after analyzing myself (haha) that I can be a somewhat smart eleck(sp) with my humor. But never hurtful! I'm the type of person that if you have a booger in your nose...I'm going to whisper it in your ear. Don't worry, I'll tell you. But I would not embarass anyone! Not on purpose at least!
7. I'm probably one of the most honest people you meet. Not brutally honest, just honest. (Unless you are a cop and I ran a red light...then I might try and bend the truth some) Terrible, I know!! Not that I run red lights or anything. Yellow means slow down, not speed up. I have actually never had a ticket before. If you ever want to know anything just ask me and I'll tell you first hand. If I ever hear anything about anyone that seems odd...I'm probably just gonna ask them. No need in going through 10 people to find out the truth. I think that can become gossip anyways. I have to say though, it aggravates me when people don't do the same. If you hear something that makes you "think differently" of another person...just find out the truth for yourself! You could have possibly had a good friend indeed! I have learned that taking others for their word is not always the best. People lie! Sad truth, but it is true.
8. This may not even be about me...idk. Yes it is...I love to eat! My dad and I used to have eating contests when I was little. We would see who could eat the most sloppy joe's. I always won! Thankfully, I had this ridiculous metabolism. I love carbs. I love pastas with all of my heart. Mmmm-mmm! Give me a good baked potato with just the right amount of butter and cheese and I'll be your best friend for life. Well, since I love to eat, I enjoy cooking. I hate cleaning up afterwards...but putting that food in my mouth makes it all worth it! I even ate lunch at school. Most people don't do that. I would ask my friends who didn't eat all theirs if I could have the rest. That's how much I enjoyed it.
9. I love movies. Action, romance, comedy, suspense (not scary), you name it...I'll love it. If my job could be movie critic I would be a millionaire. Every day all day I would watch movies. Obviously, I have a life so I can't do that. Also, it would interfere with my time with God. I definitely can't have that. Maybe tv/movies is of the devil. Haha!!
10. I love my family more than anything in this world. Not only my husband and children, but ALL of them. My mom is my best friend. I call her everyday, literally 3 times or more. I love her so much because she doesn't always take my side. I know that seems a little crazy but I love how she weighs out a situation and gives me her conclusion. She's not some "spiritual" person. She's very simple and I love that. She's my "down to earth" bestie. My dad, I love simply because he is my dad. He's not always done things right by no means but at the end of the day he is my dad. He is a definte redneck living the redneck life. I think that's all I have to say about that! You will find him with a beer in his hand, a dip in his mouth and a few cuss words slingin around. He tried to teach me to cuss at people. Yes. That is him. I believe for some real salvation there. I could go on about every single person in my family and why I love them but that would be boring to you. Regardless, I love with all of my heart. I don't half-way do it. I've been made fun of a lot for having "too much" compassion. Call it what you may, but I sure do love the people in my life. I love them in their gross sin because He loved me in mine. And I believe through that, they'll see Him.
Who am I? Non-spiritually speaking...I'm Sydney Rachel Cagle Culpepper. Wife to Caleb Culpepper, by far the best earthly friend I'll ever have. Mother to a wonderful, full of life daughter and soon to be angel. A true friend to those I love. I enjoy a lot of laughs and some good food and most importantly friends who are real. I'm my own person. I love who I am and everything about me that makes me, me.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Woah! I love this blog...
Today was our 14 week 1 day doctor appointment. Suprisingly they told me I needed to gain weight. I've lost 5 pounds since my first appointment. At least I wasn't told not to eat more(: I love eating! The past week I've been feeling little baby ball up on my left side and I can even see him/her. I would swear that I felt them move last night but God said not to make a vow you can't keep and honestly I could be slightly delusional so I'll not swear.
I'll have to say, lately I have felt slightly delusional. Kick it to baby hormones or whatever you feel like, but I've been on a one-way street to telling it how I see it. Trying not to get frustrated/emotional at what could be considered minor details is very hard. So, unfortunately I've been wanting to punch some folks lately..and in my state I'm scared to say I wouldn't. Caleb said to me today, "If you could cuss, you would...wouldn't you?" So, today I read about self-control and holding my tongue. Thank you Holy word of God. Don't judge me. If you have a problem with that don't be nosey and read my blog! See, that's what I'm talking about. It just comes out. Thankfully, I can backspace this if I want. But...seriously don't take my honesty out of context, please?!
Speaking of emotions. We're doing owner financing with the couple we're buying our house from and the sweet wife died Sunday. She has battled cancer for many years and so has her husband. Unfortunately...or I guess I should say fortunately, considering she's pain/sick-free, the Lord decided it was time for her to come home. They are like grandparents to us. No lie. They love us and we love them dearly! In my akwardness, I don't know how to handle death. I never have. I just kind of run the other way. I already know that nothing I say can make them feel better and I seriously freak out when I get in their presence. Well, while in Wal-Mart reading sympathy cards trying to pick out the most appropriate one....I cried. Truly, I will miss Mrs. Judy. She had that funny bossy attitude towards her husband but in her eyes all you saw was love. Mr. David almost broke Caleb down when he spoke with him on the phone. We have prayed with them nearly everytime we've been to their home. Speaking healing over each of their bodies. The second time we met him, he said he believed since his dad had died, God had sent us to them for prayer. I know he's right.
Spiritually, God has had me in like 10 different places. I'm not sure if He's wanting me to take my pick or what? So, I'm in a little of this and a little of that everyday. The Jezebel spirit, Romans 14 and character. Okay, so it's not 10 but with everything else I have going on in my day it feels like it!
Lessons I've learned today? Never drive a vehicle with Caleb in it. Just let the man drive. I'm telling ya! He's bossy(: We got a good laugh at the end of the day though!
Well, if you think dreams mean anything.....I have had 3 dreams we're having a boy! I would be delighted(: Of course, if it is a girl I will be just as delighted! Boy names: Noah Bryan or Koehn Reighns, we can't decide. Noah-comforter, Bryan-strength (that's like a crazy oxymoron). Koehn-Priest, Reighns-meaning in itself. Girl names: Oh my goodness, you don't want to go there! I'll give you a little rundown. Note: We CANNOT agree. Willow, Piper, Scarlett, Shiloh, Mychal, Laine, Khloee, Emma-Grace, Hadlie....yeah, told ya. Middle names: Grace, Rose or Rain. If it happens to be a girl, I pray God gives me a dream of an exact name because it's stressin' me ouuutttt!
Good News: We sold my car! Yes, thank you Jesus! Now, for sale still: 02 Chevrolet Avalanche, 95 Honda Shadow(I think) It's a motorcycle, 90-something Toyota thingy...anyways. We're cleaning house! After selling all of our motor-things, we'll only have Caleb's diesel and me a new vehicle(: Yay!!
For you Vegas haters: Have you been there before? Did you know that a cruise is just as "sin-filled"? Or you neighboring store parking lot!? Sometimes the home next door has worse things going down. I know it's "the name". Everyone associates Vegas to the whole "sin-city" thing. Well let me explain....
1. This is the first reason we chose Vegas. Caleb went there WITH HIS PARENTS when he was 12. He loved it and has ALWAYS said he wanted to take me there.
2. All you can eat buffet's. I mean what the heck? Yes, please take me. (they're CHEAP)!
3. TONS of shows that are...ahem, PG. No boobies! Hello, "Disney's The Lion King"....among COUNTLESS others.
4. Sweet hotel for $30 a night. Yes, you read right. Did I mention we're in the tallest hotel and can see everything? We have a spa in our hotel. And a themepark on top of it....Chhhyyeaaah!
5. God said HE went to the darkness.
6. Um, I'm pregnant. Do you seriously think I'm going to bust up in some topless, hoo-ha showing, booze passin' round show. No. Think again. How tasteless....
7. Even if I wasn't impregnated I would not be looking at other girls doobles, much less letting my husband...
8. Yes, I like a Georgia Peach....a VIRGIN Georgia Peach. And I will partake of one. Yummy...
9. Have you ever asked yourself this question: If I stay in my cute little bubble (Yes, I totally believe God will bring them to me) BUT if I stay in my bubble, what about those who don't come? What about Peter? His shadow passed over people and they were healed! Seriously, don't underestimate my God!
10. I'm convinced that anyone who would even slightly question the thought of us taking a vacation in Vegas indeed does not know us at all. If your first response to this is, "Oh, that place is full of sin"....you've let me down. My first thought was, "HECK YEAHHHH!" I'm a grain of salt. I'm made in the image and likeness of a Holy God. I can change an atmosphere! You may think small but I think big! Pessimism is not allowed in my home. Maybe I'm a little over optimistic. But I'd rather be too much than too little. Sometimes we assume more than we should. Just sayin'..
11. I'm gonna have a baller time. With my baby bump and all(: I might meet a few celebrities. Attempt to hug em' and then tell them about Jesus. So, we don't need prayers for our salvation, just prayers for those we meet.
I totally laughed at what I just wrote. I just want some of you to think a little more open-mindedly (is that even a word?). Anyways, God is way bigger than the box we put him in. He has the capability to do above and beyond the biggest thing we can think of. Vegas is small in his eyes. But I know God put this place on our heart for a reason. What better way to spend a vacation than introducing others to Someone so Great!
I love each and everyone of you very much! I am happy and ecstatic about our trip and I know God is too! Have a blessed day(:
I'll have to say, lately I have felt slightly delusional. Kick it to baby hormones or whatever you feel like, but I've been on a one-way street to telling it how I see it. Trying not to get frustrated/emotional at what could be considered minor details is very hard. So, unfortunately I've been wanting to punch some folks lately..and in my state I'm scared to say I wouldn't. Caleb said to me today, "If you could cuss, you would...wouldn't you?" So, today I read about self-control and holding my tongue. Thank you Holy word of God. Don't judge me. If you have a problem with that don't be nosey and read my blog! See, that's what I'm talking about. It just comes out. Thankfully, I can backspace this if I want. But...seriously don't take my honesty out of context, please?!
Speaking of emotions. We're doing owner financing with the couple we're buying our house from and the sweet wife died Sunday. She has battled cancer for many years and so has her husband. Unfortunately...or I guess I should say fortunately, considering she's pain/sick-free, the Lord decided it was time for her to come home. They are like grandparents to us. No lie. They love us and we love them dearly! In my akwardness, I don't know how to handle death. I never have. I just kind of run the other way. I already know that nothing I say can make them feel better and I seriously freak out when I get in their presence. Well, while in Wal-Mart reading sympathy cards trying to pick out the most appropriate one....I cried. Truly, I will miss Mrs. Judy. She had that funny bossy attitude towards her husband but in her eyes all you saw was love. Mr. David almost broke Caleb down when he spoke with him on the phone. We have prayed with them nearly everytime we've been to their home. Speaking healing over each of their bodies. The second time we met him, he said he believed since his dad had died, God had sent us to them for prayer. I know he's right.
Spiritually, God has had me in like 10 different places. I'm not sure if He's wanting me to take my pick or what? So, I'm in a little of this and a little of that everyday. The Jezebel spirit, Romans 14 and character. Okay, so it's not 10 but with everything else I have going on in my day it feels like it!
Lessons I've learned today? Never drive a vehicle with Caleb in it. Just let the man drive. I'm telling ya! He's bossy(: We got a good laugh at the end of the day though!
Well, if you think dreams mean anything.....I have had 3 dreams we're having a boy! I would be delighted(: Of course, if it is a girl I will be just as delighted! Boy names: Noah Bryan or Koehn Reighns, we can't decide. Noah-comforter, Bryan-strength (that's like a crazy oxymoron). Koehn-Priest, Reighns-meaning in itself. Girl names: Oh my goodness, you don't want to go there! I'll give you a little rundown. Note: We CANNOT agree. Willow, Piper, Scarlett, Shiloh, Mychal, Laine, Khloee, Emma-Grace, Hadlie....yeah, told ya. Middle names: Grace, Rose or Rain. If it happens to be a girl, I pray God gives me a dream of an exact name because it's stressin' me ouuutttt!
Good News: We sold my car! Yes, thank you Jesus! Now, for sale still: 02 Chevrolet Avalanche, 95 Honda Shadow(I think) It's a motorcycle, 90-something Toyota thingy...anyways. We're cleaning house! After selling all of our motor-things, we'll only have Caleb's diesel and me a new vehicle(: Yay!!
For you Vegas haters: Have you been there before? Did you know that a cruise is just as "sin-filled"? Or you neighboring store parking lot!? Sometimes the home next door has worse things going down. I know it's "the name". Everyone associates Vegas to the whole "sin-city" thing. Well let me explain....
1. This is the first reason we chose Vegas. Caleb went there WITH HIS PARENTS when he was 12. He loved it and has ALWAYS said he wanted to take me there.
2. All you can eat buffet's. I mean what the heck? Yes, please take me. (they're CHEAP)!
3. TONS of shows that are...ahem, PG. No boobies! Hello, "Disney's The Lion King"....among COUNTLESS others.
4. Sweet hotel for $30 a night. Yes, you read right. Did I mention we're in the tallest hotel and can see everything? We have a spa in our hotel. And a themepark on top of it....Chhhyyeaaah!
5. God said HE went to the darkness.
6. Um, I'm pregnant. Do you seriously think I'm going to bust up in some topless, hoo-ha showing, booze passin' round show. No. Think again. How tasteless....
7. Even if I wasn't impregnated I would not be looking at other girls doobles, much less letting my husband...
8. Yes, I like a Georgia Peach....a VIRGIN Georgia Peach. And I will partake of one. Yummy...
9. Have you ever asked yourself this question: If I stay in my cute little bubble (Yes, I totally believe God will bring them to me) BUT if I stay in my bubble, what about those who don't come? What about Peter? His shadow passed over people and they were healed! Seriously, don't underestimate my God!
10. I'm convinced that anyone who would even slightly question the thought of us taking a vacation in Vegas indeed does not know us at all. If your first response to this is, "Oh, that place is full of sin"....you've let me down. My first thought was, "HECK YEAHHHH!" I'm a grain of salt. I'm made in the image and likeness of a Holy God. I can change an atmosphere! You may think small but I think big! Pessimism is not allowed in my home. Maybe I'm a little over optimistic. But I'd rather be too much than too little. Sometimes we assume more than we should. Just sayin'..
11. I'm gonna have a baller time. With my baby bump and all(: I might meet a few celebrities. Attempt to hug em' and then tell them about Jesus. So, we don't need prayers for our salvation, just prayers for those we meet.
I totally laughed at what I just wrote. I just want some of you to think a little more open-mindedly (is that even a word?). Anyways, God is way bigger than the box we put him in. He has the capability to do above and beyond the biggest thing we can think of. Vegas is small in his eyes. But I know God put this place on our heart for a reason. What better way to spend a vacation than introducing others to Someone so Great!
I love each and everyone of you very much! I am happy and ecstatic about our trip and I know God is too! Have a blessed day(:
Friday, December 31, 2010
Just a day in the life...
We weren't able to be a part of Winter Ramp 2010 in Chattanooga this year and it was definitely a sad day in the neighborhood. Caleb's work schedule is basically 7am-9pm. I'm convinced that Hamilton folks don't use their phones much! (: We've been in the middle of dinner and here come lights up the driveway. Then it's just me and Eden left eating dinner. No date nights. No small getaways. Holidays are pretty rough too. And worst of all, no conferences. BUT, it only lasts 4 months. Although it can be hard at times we are making it!
Watching the services from home made me antsy! We both wished we could be there in the glory with 8000 people! It most definitely would have been an honor knowing we were helping lead so many people in worship of Jesus. Just being able to worship Jesus WITH so many people would have been amazing. Knowing that He is not confined to one area made my heart settle though. He made His presence very known right here in my living room. Although I wasn't there physically, the glory came and I worshipped Jesus with those 8000 people today. I love Him. He doesn't leave anyone out.
Yesterday Caleb and I finalized our vacation/anniversary trip to Las Vegas. I know, I know..sin city you say?! The light shines brighter than the dark. A light is seen because there is darkness. We're taking the light with us. We are in our third year of marriage. Our first anniversary we lived in Meridian. Guess where we went for our anniversary? Hamilton, Al. Yep, that's right. We came to conference. Our second anniversary we visited my Aunt and Uncle in Grenada, MS. So, we decided it was time to take a trip for ourselves. Caleb has been to Vegas before and absolutely loved it. There is always something going on...and yes, there are plenty of PG-rated things to do! We plan on seeing some great shows, shopping, going to see the Grand Canyon and Hoover Dam and much more. Our hotel has a spa in it...so you know I'll be getting a pregnancy massage! Watch out Vegas...I'll see you Feb 13!
I'm glad to say that I've finally reached week 13/14 of pregnancy! I was never sick or nauseated with Eden but this little butterbean has been different. I guess it's true when they say all pregnancies are different! Every morning I would just come curl up in a ball in the recliner too nauseated to move. All the foods I used to love made me want to throw up with the exception of sweets. I was pretty healthy with Eden throughout the pregnancy. This one has been a whole other story! Not once in the 7 weeks I knew of our new lamb did I cook a meal. And cleaning was a minimum. Now that I'm past the fatigue and nausea I am happy to say that I have a VERY clean house along with a meal cooked EVERY single night for my wonderful husband and daughter. I was so excited to wake up feeling great that I made a list of all the things I missed eating while feeling queasy. We've been eating good ever since(:
Knowing my house was not clean made me have some serious anxiety! Not only was I nauseous and tired out of my mind but I was very ill at every person that came in and added to the craziness. Thank you Jesus we're over that! Now I have the energy to clean up my after my "little tornado"! Along with my other child, Caleb(: and myself. Things are starting to look up around here!
Part 3 of my struggles has been put on hold through the holidays. It seems that so much has been going on along with all the thoughts I have..I can't process it all fast enough. So although you won't be hearing about it just yet, God is still doing a mighty work in me. He's helped me work through a lot but like I said I have too many thoughts trying to be processed in my pregnancy brain. Not only that but some things have to be cherished until it's time to be shared. We're still cherishing moments together(: At the end of my day, regardless of all we go through, He is still God. I don't see this as being "how it is" the rest of my days. But even if it was, He would still be God. He will always be my provider, even if it's not to what I see as provision. He will always be who I need Him to be. I love Him no matter what and He knows that.
Now, it's time for me to put my little frog down for a nap and go help Caleb process deer. Yes, I will be putting my hands in raw deer meat. Think about us while you have your normal jobs(: LOL!
<3
I'm adding this after my first post: Today Mrs. Karen said, "God will reward your faithfulness, even if it is SOMEDAY!" This really hit home with me with everything we've been through. I always remember the scripture that says (excuse the choppiness I don't have my bible handy), "...for he will bring our darkest secrets to light and will reveal our private motives. Then God will give to to each one whatever praise is due." Corinthians 4:4-6?
I know that we have been faithful with what we've been given. We have been faithful with God and what he's asked of us. It's been hard to understand where our reward has been. When Mrs. Karen said this it just hit a place on my heart. Honestly it was encouraging for me to know that I may not have my reward yet, but someday I will hold it. I believe that with all of my heart. And daily we call it forth! I may not see it yet, and you may not see it yet...but it's there and it's coming! Be encouraged!
Watching the services from home made me antsy! We both wished we could be there in the glory with 8000 people! It most definitely would have been an honor knowing we were helping lead so many people in worship of Jesus. Just being able to worship Jesus WITH so many people would have been amazing. Knowing that He is not confined to one area made my heart settle though. He made His presence very known right here in my living room. Although I wasn't there physically, the glory came and I worshipped Jesus with those 8000 people today. I love Him. He doesn't leave anyone out.
Yesterday Caleb and I finalized our vacation/anniversary trip to Las Vegas. I know, I know..sin city you say?! The light shines brighter than the dark. A light is seen because there is darkness. We're taking the light with us. We are in our third year of marriage. Our first anniversary we lived in Meridian. Guess where we went for our anniversary? Hamilton, Al. Yep, that's right. We came to conference. Our second anniversary we visited my Aunt and Uncle in Grenada, MS. So, we decided it was time to take a trip for ourselves. Caleb has been to Vegas before and absolutely loved it. There is always something going on...and yes, there are plenty of PG-rated things to do! We plan on seeing some great shows, shopping, going to see the Grand Canyon and Hoover Dam and much more. Our hotel has a spa in it...so you know I'll be getting a pregnancy massage! Watch out Vegas...I'll see you Feb 13!
I'm glad to say that I've finally reached week 13/14 of pregnancy! I was never sick or nauseated with Eden but this little butterbean has been different. I guess it's true when they say all pregnancies are different! Every morning I would just come curl up in a ball in the recliner too nauseated to move. All the foods I used to love made me want to throw up with the exception of sweets. I was pretty healthy with Eden throughout the pregnancy. This one has been a whole other story! Not once in the 7 weeks I knew of our new lamb did I cook a meal. And cleaning was a minimum. Now that I'm past the fatigue and nausea I am happy to say that I have a VERY clean house along with a meal cooked EVERY single night for my wonderful husband and daughter. I was so excited to wake up feeling great that I made a list of all the things I missed eating while feeling queasy. We've been eating good ever since(:
Knowing my house was not clean made me have some serious anxiety! Not only was I nauseous and tired out of my mind but I was very ill at every person that came in and added to the craziness. Thank you Jesus we're over that! Now I have the energy to clean up my after my "little tornado"! Along with my other child, Caleb(: and myself. Things are starting to look up around here!
Part 3 of my struggles has been put on hold through the holidays. It seems that so much has been going on along with all the thoughts I have..I can't process it all fast enough. So although you won't be hearing about it just yet, God is still doing a mighty work in me. He's helped me work through a lot but like I said I have too many thoughts trying to be processed in my pregnancy brain. Not only that but some things have to be cherished until it's time to be shared. We're still cherishing moments together(: At the end of my day, regardless of all we go through, He is still God. I don't see this as being "how it is" the rest of my days. But even if it was, He would still be God. He will always be my provider, even if it's not to what I see as provision. He will always be who I need Him to be. I love Him no matter what and He knows that.
Now, it's time for me to put my little frog down for a nap and go help Caleb process deer. Yes, I will be putting my hands in raw deer meat. Think about us while you have your normal jobs(: LOL!
<3
I'm adding this after my first post: Today Mrs. Karen said, "God will reward your faithfulness, even if it is SOMEDAY!" This really hit home with me with everything we've been through. I always remember the scripture that says (excuse the choppiness I don't have my bible handy), "...for he will bring our darkest secrets to light and will reveal our private motives. Then God will give to to each one whatever praise is due." Corinthians 4:4-6?
I know that we have been faithful with what we've been given. We have been faithful with God and what he's asked of us. It's been hard to understand where our reward has been. When Mrs. Karen said this it just hit a place on my heart. Honestly it was encouraging for me to know that I may not have my reward yet, but someday I will hold it. I believe that with all of my heart. And daily we call it forth! I may not see it yet, and you may not see it yet...but it's there and it's coming! Be encouraged!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
The enemy within me PT 2
For those of you beginning to read this blog, I recommend that you read the previous one first. As the title states it's Part 2(:
We are daily being purged of those things that are not of God. (1 Corinthians 15:31) Daily I find myself facing some sort of flesh in my way of becoming closer to the One I love. I'm far past the "serious" sins, although no one is greater than another. My dealings are normally with attitude, judgement, and the biggest one yet: Envy! One thing I pray constantly is this: God purge me of all unrighteousness today! Anything that is not of you, teach me to rid myself of it. Have you ever heard this saying: Don't ask for patience because He sure will teach you patience! or even this one: Be careful what you ask for! Yeah, when it lines up with the will of God, you're definitely going to get it! And I'm sure we can all agree that leading a life of righteousness is the will of God.
In Bob Sorge's Envy, He writes this, "Envy is an iniquity of the heart that is not seen until an occasion calls it forth." Some occasion has called for this iniquity of my heart. Through gritted teeth, I can honestly say that I am thankful for this. That means my prayers have been heard. Now as most of you know, Caleb and I were very secure financially when we lived in Meridian. That is something we definitely fought hard for considering family AND friends made sure we knew that we would not make it at such a "young age". When God has a plan, he has a plan. We said, "Yes" to all plans He had for us. We know that no dream of man can bring us contentment and joy like the plan of the Lord. So, to Hamilton he brought us! I know that we have grown in more ways than one in this place. We've been taught valuable lessons and grown tremendously spiritually! Knowing that God has heard my prayers of being made righteous, I believe he's brought me to this place emotionally and financially to do just that. Daily he's been unveiling things in my own heart and thought-life that have been detrimental to myself. All concerning this thing called envy. Not only with our financial issues now but also that he put us in a community where other servants are called of God to work in the same "vineyard". Those who are also laboring fervently. Those who have become more fruitful! Secretly I can admit...er confess, that I have envied in that!
God took me back to a well known scripture. "Love does not envy...." How did I not get that? I have had an evil eye. Matthew 6:23 says, "Your eye is a lamp for your body. A PURE EYE lets sunshine into your soul. But an evil eye shuts out the light and PLUNGES you into darkness. If the light you think you have is really darkness, how deep that darkness will be!" That's intense. So all along I've not loved out of a "pure heart/eye". I have not preferred others out of love. I have envied out of an evil eye. Bob Sorge says this, "When we truly walk in love with each other, we will do violence to the carnal passions aroused by envy." Talk about a stomp on the enemy.
God allows us to go through these seasons to prepare us for our DESTINY! In these deep dark places are where we can go deep with God. Obviously it's the time that we "search" for Him the most. The easy seasons are where we soar on the nearness we've gained from the danky seasons. I am finding the river that I will feed on for many seasons to come.
Since I've said yes to dying daily in all actuality I commited to a life of being crucified with Christ. That ALL flesh must be crucified. Sin can have no dominion over me. I want the Kingdom. Therefore, flesh must be crucified. 1 Corinthians 15:50 says, "...flesh and blood cannot inherit the Kingdom of God." When I read that I automatically say yes again. Yes to this hard...HARD season.
Envy happens when, after setting our heart or eye upon a lofty goal, one of our peers moves toward that goal more quickly than we do (Psalm 131:1-2). Yes, I want things.
I want:
A new vehicle. To own my home. Mainly so I can put new floor down, finish painting and get this awful ugly carpet out of my room. I want to have greatness among many other things. I know not everything I want is possible. That is why We are told to set our heart upong the upward call of God. NOT to set our hearts on the "lofty" and "haughty" heights that are beyond me.
One thing I've learned is the motherly nurturing part of God. When there are things that we want, especially those things that are beyond us, God withholds what we want in order to change our desires. Yes, it's frustrating. Mainly when we believe that the things that we so desire are "of God". That frustration turns to anger (Been there!).....and then to heartache. Been there! But just like a mother weaning her child from the breast, we are weaned from those desires. We go through the same pattern that a child does. Emotions and all. Then comes the solid food! I want to be so satisified with the things that God has given ME. Psalm 131 has helped me relate this to my life.
Sometimes God takes us on 'detours'. Although we may not understand them at the time, there is a purpose. Once someone tried to justify to me, "This is not God's will" because it was a 'hard time'. God reminded me of Job. Three friends came to him to justify how his hardship was not the "will of God". He MUST have done something wrong. If not him, his kids had sinned. They gave their petition of why it "couldn't be the will of God". All the while, as we know from the beginning of the book, it was God's allowance all along. There was a PURPOSE behind his 'detour'. So through all of this I have constantly checked my heart and my intentions. I've come to the realization of my envy and bitterness. And God is helping me overcome this situation! He is empowering me to become refined. To become a utensil that He can use. (2Tim 2:20).
Again, understand the great news behind this blogs. Trust me, I know it's sad. LOL! I've cried many many tears. But life is not about having the "finer things". Although it brings a plus. Christmas is not about presents under a tree. It's about Jesus! And my heartache is not God punishing me. It is about Him loving me. I have a great and powerful destiny. With that comes the training of Grace for an annointing.
I...AM....THANKFUL!
We are daily being purged of those things that are not of God. (1 Corinthians 15:31) Daily I find myself facing some sort of flesh in my way of becoming closer to the One I love. I'm far past the "serious" sins, although no one is greater than another. My dealings are normally with attitude, judgement, and the biggest one yet: Envy! One thing I pray constantly is this: God purge me of all unrighteousness today! Anything that is not of you, teach me to rid myself of it. Have you ever heard this saying: Don't ask for patience because He sure will teach you patience! or even this one: Be careful what you ask for! Yeah, when it lines up with the will of God, you're definitely going to get it! And I'm sure we can all agree that leading a life of righteousness is the will of God.
In Bob Sorge's Envy, He writes this, "Envy is an iniquity of the heart that is not seen until an occasion calls it forth." Some occasion has called for this iniquity of my heart. Through gritted teeth, I can honestly say that I am thankful for this. That means my prayers have been heard. Now as most of you know, Caleb and I were very secure financially when we lived in Meridian. That is something we definitely fought hard for considering family AND friends made sure we knew that we would not make it at such a "young age". When God has a plan, he has a plan. We said, "Yes" to all plans He had for us. We know that no dream of man can bring us contentment and joy like the plan of the Lord. So, to Hamilton he brought us! I know that we have grown in more ways than one in this place. We've been taught valuable lessons and grown tremendously spiritually! Knowing that God has heard my prayers of being made righteous, I believe he's brought me to this place emotionally and financially to do just that. Daily he's been unveiling things in my own heart and thought-life that have been detrimental to myself. All concerning this thing called envy. Not only with our financial issues now but also that he put us in a community where other servants are called of God to work in the same "vineyard". Those who are also laboring fervently. Those who have become more fruitful! Secretly I can admit...er confess, that I have envied in that!
God took me back to a well known scripture. "Love does not envy...." How did I not get that? I have had an evil eye. Matthew 6:23 says, "Your eye is a lamp for your body. A PURE EYE lets sunshine into your soul. But an evil eye shuts out the light and PLUNGES you into darkness. If the light you think you have is really darkness, how deep that darkness will be!" That's intense. So all along I've not loved out of a "pure heart/eye". I have not preferred others out of love. I have envied out of an evil eye. Bob Sorge says this, "When we truly walk in love with each other, we will do violence to the carnal passions aroused by envy." Talk about a stomp on the enemy.
God allows us to go through these seasons to prepare us for our DESTINY! In these deep dark places are where we can go deep with God. Obviously it's the time that we "search" for Him the most. The easy seasons are where we soar on the nearness we've gained from the danky seasons. I am finding the river that I will feed on for many seasons to come.
Since I've said yes to dying daily in all actuality I commited to a life of being crucified with Christ. That ALL flesh must be crucified. Sin can have no dominion over me. I want the Kingdom. Therefore, flesh must be crucified. 1 Corinthians 15:50 says, "...flesh and blood cannot inherit the Kingdom of God." When I read that I automatically say yes again. Yes to this hard...HARD season.
Envy happens when, after setting our heart or eye upon a lofty goal, one of our peers moves toward that goal more quickly than we do (Psalm 131:1-2). Yes, I want things.
I want:
A new vehicle. To own my home. Mainly so I can put new floor down, finish painting and get this awful ugly carpet out of my room. I want to have greatness among many other things. I know not everything I want is possible. That is why We are told to set our heart upong the upward call of God. NOT to set our hearts on the "lofty" and "haughty" heights that are beyond me.
One thing I've learned is the motherly nurturing part of God. When there are things that we want, especially those things that are beyond us, God withholds what we want in order to change our desires. Yes, it's frustrating. Mainly when we believe that the things that we so desire are "of God". That frustration turns to anger (Been there!).....and then to heartache. Been there! But just like a mother weaning her child from the breast, we are weaned from those desires. We go through the same pattern that a child does. Emotions and all. Then comes the solid food! I want to be so satisified with the things that God has given ME. Psalm 131 has helped me relate this to my life.
Sometimes God takes us on 'detours'. Although we may not understand them at the time, there is a purpose. Once someone tried to justify to me, "This is not God's will" because it was a 'hard time'. God reminded me of Job. Three friends came to him to justify how his hardship was not the "will of God". He MUST have done something wrong. If not him, his kids had sinned. They gave their petition of why it "couldn't be the will of God". All the while, as we know from the beginning of the book, it was God's allowance all along. There was a PURPOSE behind his 'detour'. So through all of this I have constantly checked my heart and my intentions. I've come to the realization of my envy and bitterness. And God is helping me overcome this situation! He is empowering me to become refined. To become a utensil that He can use. (2Tim 2:20).
Again, understand the great news behind this blogs. Trust me, I know it's sad. LOL! I've cried many many tears. But life is not about having the "finer things". Although it brings a plus. Christmas is not about presents under a tree. It's about Jesus! And my heartache is not God punishing me. It is about Him loving me. I have a great and powerful destiny. With that comes the training of Grace for an annointing.
I...AM....THANKFUL!
Friday, December 10, 2010
The enemy within me.
A blog has been far and few between for me lately. Between the nausea, fatigue and hecticness of life lately...there hasn't been much room for it. Although, God has been doing a serious work in me! I'll share...forewarning..its long.
As most of you know from previous post, September and October we had absolutely no income. Besides of course the miracle check that appeared in our mailbox. November 15th actually was the beginning date of "real" deer season. Not to mention we were supposed to be buying our home officially at the beginning of November...which didn't happen. The owners of the house are in bad health and at a very old age. My heart was to get them their money asap. I love them VERY much! But along with this upsetting news came more upsetting news after more upsetting news and I could continue this list on and on...That began a whirlwind of mass chaos in the world of me. Of course what else do you do but get on your face and cry out to God?! So, that's what I did.
I literally had snot coming out of my nose. Yes, gross. Out of many emotions, mostly anger...I slammed my fists against the floor until they turned red. I yelled a lot. I told God I was very mad at him. Followed by a "real sorry". Accompanied by even MORE snot and tears. It's hard to be angry with someone you love so much! It's even harder knowing that He's provided all that I have. HELLO! "Mysterious check!"....I would yell some hurting thought, then say "I know!". Now, looking back I smirk even though my eyes are tear-filled. My tongue has released the word hate a lot lately. "I hate the 'holidays'!" "I hate this place" "I hate, I hate, I hate...". It was not until Caleb pointed it out that I realized how often I began using such a terrible word. The worst part is that deep down I felt the root it was connected to but didn't have the strength to uproot it!
It aggravates me when people say, "It's going to be okay". The response I'd like to shoot back? "You have NO idea what is going to be okay. Walk a mile in my shoes, THEN tell me that again." Harsh. I know. I've learned for myself how easy it is to assure someone life will be grand when life is indeed grand on my end of the stick. How about putting myself in the other person's position, truly knowing what's going on, then proceed from there? Honestly, I don't need a "new" scripture or some lengthy..."Oh, God loves you so much He wants the best for you...." line. I know it quite well, thank you. I've learned that sometimes the things we think are not "God's Will"...indeed are. Hello, Job.
So, as I am ranting to God about my anger, hurt and even how I know He has me....He leads me to this passage: Psalm 73...I was so confused at first, then quickly came to a place of brokenness, realizing that I am this person. Envy & bitterness have snuck its conniving way into my heart. I hope you know how hard that was to type. Admitting it was even harder. But I knew without a doubt that Holy spirit took me straight there for a reason. Who can deny Him? So at the top of my journal I wrote, "This is my prayer for today...." And in my own words wrote this passage. Going from a place of provision and security to Hamilton, Al....literally saving pennies....did uncover this terrible sin in my life. I was at the point of looking back at the "good old days" asking God, "Why?..." Does He know the Hell I've been through? That I haven't wore makeup in weeks because I know I'm going to cry it right off! I haven't left my house in days to save money? And, staying in this house has caused me more envy and bitterness towards all of the people I know who can LEAVE their house?! Does He know I have absolutely NO christmas presents to give my daughter? And that she only has FOUR outfits to last her through the winter....? Does He know?! -Please understand this is not being put out for pity. He has showed me much through this, and is STILL showing me much through this chaotic mess I'm still struggling to overcome. At the end of Psalm 73 it says, "Yet I still belong to you; you are holding my right hand. You will keep on guiding me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in Heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever!" There is a happy ending somewhere in the midst of the turmoil.
About a week and a half ago we had to go to Tupelo to fetch some stuff for the business. I had this gripping at my gut the whole way. I really didn't want to spend ANY money. Owning your own business you NEVER know what will be left over for the next month because you may not make ANYTHING for weeks. I was very quiet most of the way. Totally not normal. We stopped at Chick-fil-a and grabbed lunch. I asked Caleb could I forfeit my lunch and use the $7 I would have spent to buy Eden something to wear. He didn't think I was serious. We headed back home and we began talking about the new baby. He was curious why I don't talk to him/her as much. SO ashamed I held back some serious tears to explain...Without shedding one tear I managed to get it out. Silence. Then all of a sudden it was like Niagra Falls exploded. My sandwich flew out of my mouth accompanied with sobs and some sweet tea. I couldn't pinpoint an exact emotion, but the fact that it was definitely ALL but the good ones that triggered this. If you asked Caleb, he would describe me as "hard". I don't cry much, if any. The only times he has truly seen me cry is with the Lord. This he had never witnessed before so He wasn't quite sure how to respond. I know he was hurting just as much as I was.
There has always been one story I've let him into that I'm sure he can recite perfectly. My parents got divorced when I was 12, my sister was 7 and my brother was still in utero. Together my parents did well financially. Apart my mother struggled. One night I sat at our island in the kitchen staring hopelessly at my mom as she sobbed on the phone with her mom. She kept saying, "I dont know what I'm going to do!" Here she was with all of this responsibility and no way to provide financially for everything. In my heart I made a vow. I will NEVER have to experience that. My children will never have to witness me in shambles because my bills can't be paid. Never say never right? Here I am with food, drink, snot and tears all over our truck. Crying as hard as I've cried in a long time. Like...weird noises escaping from my throat and all. Nothing could console me. I made sure God knew how upset I was. Caleb patted my shoulder, rubbed my arm and wiped my tears. All the while Eden sat and watched me telling me, "Shhh..mommy". (Totally didn't make me feel better, though I wish it had). I was taken back to that day I sat and watched my mom do the same thing. I hope Eden never remembers that day.
That day I first told you God brought me to the scripture...well Holy Spirit told me to read the book Envy-Bob Sorge. Reading it more than once was and is and will always be a must. I haven't decided yet if this is the hand God has dealt me, or if I'm just in a "Job" season. Maybe God is strengthening me to carry the grace we will soon be given for the sphere God has alloted us. As I said before, I'm still very intensely experiencing this. Still trying to overcome a battle. Still trying to accept what's been given me.
It's 2 weeks until Christmas. I still have not one thing for one person. I have a very bare "dream tree". Have already overdrawn my bank account paying bills. And Eden still only has 4 outfits for winter. Not to mention nothing afterwards. I still break down multiple times a day. I have told God twice today that I'm still mad....but only at myself. I can't be mad knowing that I'm being refined like silver and gold day after day by the only One who knows my past and my future. Yes, my future. I keep reminding myself that there is a GLORIOUS destiny at the end of this very dark tunnel. If it leads me home, it leads me home. If it commands I stay in Hamilton, I stay in Hamilton. Again I say, I am a willing vessel and I say yes! Break me and rip me apart. The outside may look weak...but you still remain the strength of my heart!
I look forward to updating you on my quest to find and hold pure joy, pure love.
As most of you know from previous post, September and October we had absolutely no income. Besides of course the miracle check that appeared in our mailbox. November 15th actually was the beginning date of "real" deer season. Not to mention we were supposed to be buying our home officially at the beginning of November...which didn't happen. The owners of the house are in bad health and at a very old age. My heart was to get them their money asap. I love them VERY much! But along with this upsetting news came more upsetting news after more upsetting news and I could continue this list on and on...That began a whirlwind of mass chaos in the world of me. Of course what else do you do but get on your face and cry out to God?! So, that's what I did.
I literally had snot coming out of my nose. Yes, gross. Out of many emotions, mostly anger...I slammed my fists against the floor until they turned red. I yelled a lot. I told God I was very mad at him. Followed by a "real sorry". Accompanied by even MORE snot and tears. It's hard to be angry with someone you love so much! It's even harder knowing that He's provided all that I have. HELLO! "Mysterious check!"....I would yell some hurting thought, then say "I know!". Now, looking back I smirk even though my eyes are tear-filled. My tongue has released the word hate a lot lately. "I hate the 'holidays'!" "I hate this place" "I hate, I hate, I hate...". It was not until Caleb pointed it out that I realized how often I began using such a terrible word. The worst part is that deep down I felt the root it was connected to but didn't have the strength to uproot it!
It aggravates me when people say, "It's going to be okay". The response I'd like to shoot back? "You have NO idea what is going to be okay. Walk a mile in my shoes, THEN tell me that again." Harsh. I know. I've learned for myself how easy it is to assure someone life will be grand when life is indeed grand on my end of the stick. How about putting myself in the other person's position, truly knowing what's going on, then proceed from there? Honestly, I don't need a "new" scripture or some lengthy..."Oh, God loves you so much He wants the best for you...." line. I know it quite well, thank you. I've learned that sometimes the things we think are not "God's Will"...indeed are. Hello, Job.
So, as I am ranting to God about my anger, hurt and even how I know He has me....He leads me to this passage: Psalm 73...I was so confused at first, then quickly came to a place of brokenness, realizing that I am this person. Envy & bitterness have snuck its conniving way into my heart. I hope you know how hard that was to type. Admitting it was even harder. But I knew without a doubt that Holy spirit took me straight there for a reason. Who can deny Him? So at the top of my journal I wrote, "This is my prayer for today...." And in my own words wrote this passage. Going from a place of provision and security to Hamilton, Al....literally saving pennies....did uncover this terrible sin in my life. I was at the point of looking back at the "good old days" asking God, "Why?..." Does He know the Hell I've been through? That I haven't wore makeup in weeks because I know I'm going to cry it right off! I haven't left my house in days to save money? And, staying in this house has caused me more envy and bitterness towards all of the people I know who can LEAVE their house?! Does He know I have absolutely NO christmas presents to give my daughter? And that she only has FOUR outfits to last her through the winter....? Does He know?! -Please understand this is not being put out for pity. He has showed me much through this, and is STILL showing me much through this chaotic mess I'm still struggling to overcome. At the end of Psalm 73 it says, "Yet I still belong to you; you are holding my right hand. You will keep on guiding me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in Heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever!" There is a happy ending somewhere in the midst of the turmoil.
About a week and a half ago we had to go to Tupelo to fetch some stuff for the business. I had this gripping at my gut the whole way. I really didn't want to spend ANY money. Owning your own business you NEVER know what will be left over for the next month because you may not make ANYTHING for weeks. I was very quiet most of the way. Totally not normal. We stopped at Chick-fil-a and grabbed lunch. I asked Caleb could I forfeit my lunch and use the $7 I would have spent to buy Eden something to wear. He didn't think I was serious. We headed back home and we began talking about the new baby. He was curious why I don't talk to him/her as much. SO ashamed I held back some serious tears to explain...Without shedding one tear I managed to get it out. Silence. Then all of a sudden it was like Niagra Falls exploded. My sandwich flew out of my mouth accompanied with sobs and some sweet tea. I couldn't pinpoint an exact emotion, but the fact that it was definitely ALL but the good ones that triggered this. If you asked Caleb, he would describe me as "hard". I don't cry much, if any. The only times he has truly seen me cry is with the Lord. This he had never witnessed before so He wasn't quite sure how to respond. I know he was hurting just as much as I was.
There has always been one story I've let him into that I'm sure he can recite perfectly. My parents got divorced when I was 12, my sister was 7 and my brother was still in utero. Together my parents did well financially. Apart my mother struggled. One night I sat at our island in the kitchen staring hopelessly at my mom as she sobbed on the phone with her mom. She kept saying, "I dont know what I'm going to do!" Here she was with all of this responsibility and no way to provide financially for everything. In my heart I made a vow. I will NEVER have to experience that. My children will never have to witness me in shambles because my bills can't be paid. Never say never right? Here I am with food, drink, snot and tears all over our truck. Crying as hard as I've cried in a long time. Like...weird noises escaping from my throat and all. Nothing could console me. I made sure God knew how upset I was. Caleb patted my shoulder, rubbed my arm and wiped my tears. All the while Eden sat and watched me telling me, "Shhh..mommy". (Totally didn't make me feel better, though I wish it had). I was taken back to that day I sat and watched my mom do the same thing. I hope Eden never remembers that day.
That day I first told you God brought me to the scripture...well Holy Spirit told me to read the book Envy-Bob Sorge. Reading it more than once was and is and will always be a must. I haven't decided yet if this is the hand God has dealt me, or if I'm just in a "Job" season. Maybe God is strengthening me to carry the grace we will soon be given for the sphere God has alloted us. As I said before, I'm still very intensely experiencing this. Still trying to overcome a battle. Still trying to accept what's been given me.
It's 2 weeks until Christmas. I still have not one thing for one person. I have a very bare "dream tree". Have already overdrawn my bank account paying bills. And Eden still only has 4 outfits for winter. Not to mention nothing afterwards. I still break down multiple times a day. I have told God twice today that I'm still mad....but only at myself. I can't be mad knowing that I'm being refined like silver and gold day after day by the only One who knows my past and my future. Yes, my future. I keep reminding myself that there is a GLORIOUS destiny at the end of this very dark tunnel. If it leads me home, it leads me home. If it commands I stay in Hamilton, I stay in Hamilton. Again I say, I am a willing vessel and I say yes! Break me and rip me apart. The outside may look weak...but you still remain the strength of my heart!
I look forward to updating you on my quest to find and hold pure joy, pure love.
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