We weren't able to be a part of Winter Ramp 2010 in Chattanooga this year and it was definitely a sad day in the neighborhood. Caleb's work schedule is basically 7am-9pm. I'm convinced that Hamilton folks don't use their phones much! (: We've been in the middle of dinner and here come lights up the driveway. Then it's just me and Eden left eating dinner. No date nights. No small getaways. Holidays are pretty rough too. And worst of all, no conferences. BUT, it only lasts 4 months. Although it can be hard at times we are making it!
Watching the services from home made me antsy! We both wished we could be there in the glory with 8000 people! It most definitely would have been an honor knowing we were helping lead so many people in worship of Jesus. Just being able to worship Jesus WITH so many people would have been amazing. Knowing that He is not confined to one area made my heart settle though. He made His presence very known right here in my living room. Although I wasn't there physically, the glory came and I worshipped Jesus with those 8000 people today. I love Him. He doesn't leave anyone out.
Yesterday Caleb and I finalized our vacation/anniversary trip to Las Vegas. I know, I know..sin city you say?! The light shines brighter than the dark. A light is seen because there is darkness. We're taking the light with us. We are in our third year of marriage. Our first anniversary we lived in Meridian. Guess where we went for our anniversary? Hamilton, Al. Yep, that's right. We came to conference. Our second anniversary we visited my Aunt and Uncle in Grenada, MS. So, we decided it was time to take a trip for ourselves. Caleb has been to Vegas before and absolutely loved it. There is always something going on...and yes, there are plenty of PG-rated things to do! We plan on seeing some great shows, shopping, going to see the Grand Canyon and Hoover Dam and much more. Our hotel has a spa in it...so you know I'll be getting a pregnancy massage! Watch out Vegas...I'll see you Feb 13!
I'm glad to say that I've finally reached week 13/14 of pregnancy! I was never sick or nauseated with Eden but this little butterbean has been different. I guess it's true when they say all pregnancies are different! Every morning I would just come curl up in a ball in the recliner too nauseated to move. All the foods I used to love made me want to throw up with the exception of sweets. I was pretty healthy with Eden throughout the pregnancy. This one has been a whole other story! Not once in the 7 weeks I knew of our new lamb did I cook a meal. And cleaning was a minimum. Now that I'm past the fatigue and nausea I am happy to say that I have a VERY clean house along with a meal cooked EVERY single night for my wonderful husband and daughter. I was so excited to wake up feeling great that I made a list of all the things I missed eating while feeling queasy. We've been eating good ever since(:
Knowing my house was not clean made me have some serious anxiety! Not only was I nauseous and tired out of my mind but I was very ill at every person that came in and added to the craziness. Thank you Jesus we're over that! Now I have the energy to clean up my after my "little tornado"! Along with my other child, Caleb(: and myself. Things are starting to look up around here!
Part 3 of my struggles has been put on hold through the holidays. It seems that so much has been going on along with all the thoughts I have..I can't process it all fast enough. So although you won't be hearing about it just yet, God is still doing a mighty work in me. He's helped me work through a lot but like I said I have too many thoughts trying to be processed in my pregnancy brain. Not only that but some things have to be cherished until it's time to be shared. We're still cherishing moments together(: At the end of my day, regardless of all we go through, He is still God. I don't see this as being "how it is" the rest of my days. But even if it was, He would still be God. He will always be my provider, even if it's not to what I see as provision. He will always be who I need Him to be. I love Him no matter what and He knows that.
Now, it's time for me to put my little frog down for a nap and go help Caleb process deer. Yes, I will be putting my hands in raw deer meat. Think about us while you have your normal jobs(: LOL!
<3
I'm adding this after my first post: Today Mrs. Karen said, "God will reward your faithfulness, even if it is SOMEDAY!" This really hit home with me with everything we've been through. I always remember the scripture that says (excuse the choppiness I don't have my bible handy), "...for he will bring our darkest secrets to light and will reveal our private motives. Then God will give to to each one whatever praise is due." Corinthians 4:4-6?
I know that we have been faithful with what we've been given. We have been faithful with God and what he's asked of us. It's been hard to understand where our reward has been. When Mrs. Karen said this it just hit a place on my heart. Honestly it was encouraging for me to know that I may not have my reward yet, but someday I will hold it. I believe that with all of my heart. And daily we call it forth! I may not see it yet, and you may not see it yet...but it's there and it's coming! Be encouraged!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
The enemy within me PT 2
For those of you beginning to read this blog, I recommend that you read the previous one first. As the title states it's Part 2(:
We are daily being purged of those things that are not of God. (1 Corinthians 15:31) Daily I find myself facing some sort of flesh in my way of becoming closer to the One I love. I'm far past the "serious" sins, although no one is greater than another. My dealings are normally with attitude, judgement, and the biggest one yet: Envy! One thing I pray constantly is this: God purge me of all unrighteousness today! Anything that is not of you, teach me to rid myself of it. Have you ever heard this saying: Don't ask for patience because He sure will teach you patience! or even this one: Be careful what you ask for! Yeah, when it lines up with the will of God, you're definitely going to get it! And I'm sure we can all agree that leading a life of righteousness is the will of God.
In Bob Sorge's Envy, He writes this, "Envy is an iniquity of the heart that is not seen until an occasion calls it forth." Some occasion has called for this iniquity of my heart. Through gritted teeth, I can honestly say that I am thankful for this. That means my prayers have been heard. Now as most of you know, Caleb and I were very secure financially when we lived in Meridian. That is something we definitely fought hard for considering family AND friends made sure we knew that we would not make it at such a "young age". When God has a plan, he has a plan. We said, "Yes" to all plans He had for us. We know that no dream of man can bring us contentment and joy like the plan of the Lord. So, to Hamilton he brought us! I know that we have grown in more ways than one in this place. We've been taught valuable lessons and grown tremendously spiritually! Knowing that God has heard my prayers of being made righteous, I believe he's brought me to this place emotionally and financially to do just that. Daily he's been unveiling things in my own heart and thought-life that have been detrimental to myself. All concerning this thing called envy. Not only with our financial issues now but also that he put us in a community where other servants are called of God to work in the same "vineyard". Those who are also laboring fervently. Those who have become more fruitful! Secretly I can admit...er confess, that I have envied in that!
God took me back to a well known scripture. "Love does not envy...." How did I not get that? I have had an evil eye. Matthew 6:23 says, "Your eye is a lamp for your body. A PURE EYE lets sunshine into your soul. But an evil eye shuts out the light and PLUNGES you into darkness. If the light you think you have is really darkness, how deep that darkness will be!" That's intense. So all along I've not loved out of a "pure heart/eye". I have not preferred others out of love. I have envied out of an evil eye. Bob Sorge says this, "When we truly walk in love with each other, we will do violence to the carnal passions aroused by envy." Talk about a stomp on the enemy.
God allows us to go through these seasons to prepare us for our DESTINY! In these deep dark places are where we can go deep with God. Obviously it's the time that we "search" for Him the most. The easy seasons are where we soar on the nearness we've gained from the danky seasons. I am finding the river that I will feed on for many seasons to come.
Since I've said yes to dying daily in all actuality I commited to a life of being crucified with Christ. That ALL flesh must be crucified. Sin can have no dominion over me. I want the Kingdom. Therefore, flesh must be crucified. 1 Corinthians 15:50 says, "...flesh and blood cannot inherit the Kingdom of God." When I read that I automatically say yes again. Yes to this hard...HARD season.
Envy happens when, after setting our heart or eye upon a lofty goal, one of our peers moves toward that goal more quickly than we do (Psalm 131:1-2). Yes, I want things.
I want:
A new vehicle. To own my home. Mainly so I can put new floor down, finish painting and get this awful ugly carpet out of my room. I want to have greatness among many other things. I know not everything I want is possible. That is why We are told to set our heart upong the upward call of God. NOT to set our hearts on the "lofty" and "haughty" heights that are beyond me.
One thing I've learned is the motherly nurturing part of God. When there are things that we want, especially those things that are beyond us, God withholds what we want in order to change our desires. Yes, it's frustrating. Mainly when we believe that the things that we so desire are "of God". That frustration turns to anger (Been there!).....and then to heartache. Been there! But just like a mother weaning her child from the breast, we are weaned from those desires. We go through the same pattern that a child does. Emotions and all. Then comes the solid food! I want to be so satisified with the things that God has given ME. Psalm 131 has helped me relate this to my life.
Sometimes God takes us on 'detours'. Although we may not understand them at the time, there is a purpose. Once someone tried to justify to me, "This is not God's will" because it was a 'hard time'. God reminded me of Job. Three friends came to him to justify how his hardship was not the "will of God". He MUST have done something wrong. If not him, his kids had sinned. They gave their petition of why it "couldn't be the will of God". All the while, as we know from the beginning of the book, it was God's allowance all along. There was a PURPOSE behind his 'detour'. So through all of this I have constantly checked my heart and my intentions. I've come to the realization of my envy and bitterness. And God is helping me overcome this situation! He is empowering me to become refined. To become a utensil that He can use. (2Tim 2:20).
Again, understand the great news behind this blogs. Trust me, I know it's sad. LOL! I've cried many many tears. But life is not about having the "finer things". Although it brings a plus. Christmas is not about presents under a tree. It's about Jesus! And my heartache is not God punishing me. It is about Him loving me. I have a great and powerful destiny. With that comes the training of Grace for an annointing.
I...AM....THANKFUL!
We are daily being purged of those things that are not of God. (1 Corinthians 15:31) Daily I find myself facing some sort of flesh in my way of becoming closer to the One I love. I'm far past the "serious" sins, although no one is greater than another. My dealings are normally with attitude, judgement, and the biggest one yet: Envy! One thing I pray constantly is this: God purge me of all unrighteousness today! Anything that is not of you, teach me to rid myself of it. Have you ever heard this saying: Don't ask for patience because He sure will teach you patience! or even this one: Be careful what you ask for! Yeah, when it lines up with the will of God, you're definitely going to get it! And I'm sure we can all agree that leading a life of righteousness is the will of God.
In Bob Sorge's Envy, He writes this, "Envy is an iniquity of the heart that is not seen until an occasion calls it forth." Some occasion has called for this iniquity of my heart. Through gritted teeth, I can honestly say that I am thankful for this. That means my prayers have been heard. Now as most of you know, Caleb and I were very secure financially when we lived in Meridian. That is something we definitely fought hard for considering family AND friends made sure we knew that we would not make it at such a "young age". When God has a plan, he has a plan. We said, "Yes" to all plans He had for us. We know that no dream of man can bring us contentment and joy like the plan of the Lord. So, to Hamilton he brought us! I know that we have grown in more ways than one in this place. We've been taught valuable lessons and grown tremendously spiritually! Knowing that God has heard my prayers of being made righteous, I believe he's brought me to this place emotionally and financially to do just that. Daily he's been unveiling things in my own heart and thought-life that have been detrimental to myself. All concerning this thing called envy. Not only with our financial issues now but also that he put us in a community where other servants are called of God to work in the same "vineyard". Those who are also laboring fervently. Those who have become more fruitful! Secretly I can admit...er confess, that I have envied in that!
God took me back to a well known scripture. "Love does not envy...." How did I not get that? I have had an evil eye. Matthew 6:23 says, "Your eye is a lamp for your body. A PURE EYE lets sunshine into your soul. But an evil eye shuts out the light and PLUNGES you into darkness. If the light you think you have is really darkness, how deep that darkness will be!" That's intense. So all along I've not loved out of a "pure heart/eye". I have not preferred others out of love. I have envied out of an evil eye. Bob Sorge says this, "When we truly walk in love with each other, we will do violence to the carnal passions aroused by envy." Talk about a stomp on the enemy.
God allows us to go through these seasons to prepare us for our DESTINY! In these deep dark places are where we can go deep with God. Obviously it's the time that we "search" for Him the most. The easy seasons are where we soar on the nearness we've gained from the danky seasons. I am finding the river that I will feed on for many seasons to come.
Since I've said yes to dying daily in all actuality I commited to a life of being crucified with Christ. That ALL flesh must be crucified. Sin can have no dominion over me. I want the Kingdom. Therefore, flesh must be crucified. 1 Corinthians 15:50 says, "...flesh and blood cannot inherit the Kingdom of God." When I read that I automatically say yes again. Yes to this hard...HARD season.
Envy happens when, after setting our heart or eye upon a lofty goal, one of our peers moves toward that goal more quickly than we do (Psalm 131:1-2). Yes, I want things.
I want:
A new vehicle. To own my home. Mainly so I can put new floor down, finish painting and get this awful ugly carpet out of my room. I want to have greatness among many other things. I know not everything I want is possible. That is why We are told to set our heart upong the upward call of God. NOT to set our hearts on the "lofty" and "haughty" heights that are beyond me.
One thing I've learned is the motherly nurturing part of God. When there are things that we want, especially those things that are beyond us, God withholds what we want in order to change our desires. Yes, it's frustrating. Mainly when we believe that the things that we so desire are "of God". That frustration turns to anger (Been there!).....and then to heartache. Been there! But just like a mother weaning her child from the breast, we are weaned from those desires. We go through the same pattern that a child does. Emotions and all. Then comes the solid food! I want to be so satisified with the things that God has given ME. Psalm 131 has helped me relate this to my life.
Sometimes God takes us on 'detours'. Although we may not understand them at the time, there is a purpose. Once someone tried to justify to me, "This is not God's will" because it was a 'hard time'. God reminded me of Job. Three friends came to him to justify how his hardship was not the "will of God". He MUST have done something wrong. If not him, his kids had sinned. They gave their petition of why it "couldn't be the will of God". All the while, as we know from the beginning of the book, it was God's allowance all along. There was a PURPOSE behind his 'detour'. So through all of this I have constantly checked my heart and my intentions. I've come to the realization of my envy and bitterness. And God is helping me overcome this situation! He is empowering me to become refined. To become a utensil that He can use. (2Tim 2:20).
Again, understand the great news behind this blogs. Trust me, I know it's sad. LOL! I've cried many many tears. But life is not about having the "finer things". Although it brings a plus. Christmas is not about presents under a tree. It's about Jesus! And my heartache is not God punishing me. It is about Him loving me. I have a great and powerful destiny. With that comes the training of Grace for an annointing.
I...AM....THANKFUL!
Friday, December 10, 2010
The enemy within me.
A blog has been far and few between for me lately. Between the nausea, fatigue and hecticness of life lately...there hasn't been much room for it. Although, God has been doing a serious work in me! I'll share...forewarning..its long.
As most of you know from previous post, September and October we had absolutely no income. Besides of course the miracle check that appeared in our mailbox. November 15th actually was the beginning date of "real" deer season. Not to mention we were supposed to be buying our home officially at the beginning of November...which didn't happen. The owners of the house are in bad health and at a very old age. My heart was to get them their money asap. I love them VERY much! But along with this upsetting news came more upsetting news after more upsetting news and I could continue this list on and on...That began a whirlwind of mass chaos in the world of me. Of course what else do you do but get on your face and cry out to God?! So, that's what I did.
I literally had snot coming out of my nose. Yes, gross. Out of many emotions, mostly anger...I slammed my fists against the floor until they turned red. I yelled a lot. I told God I was very mad at him. Followed by a "real sorry". Accompanied by even MORE snot and tears. It's hard to be angry with someone you love so much! It's even harder knowing that He's provided all that I have. HELLO! "Mysterious check!"....I would yell some hurting thought, then say "I know!". Now, looking back I smirk even though my eyes are tear-filled. My tongue has released the word hate a lot lately. "I hate the 'holidays'!" "I hate this place" "I hate, I hate, I hate...". It was not until Caleb pointed it out that I realized how often I began using such a terrible word. The worst part is that deep down I felt the root it was connected to but didn't have the strength to uproot it!
It aggravates me when people say, "It's going to be okay". The response I'd like to shoot back? "You have NO idea what is going to be okay. Walk a mile in my shoes, THEN tell me that again." Harsh. I know. I've learned for myself how easy it is to assure someone life will be grand when life is indeed grand on my end of the stick. How about putting myself in the other person's position, truly knowing what's going on, then proceed from there? Honestly, I don't need a "new" scripture or some lengthy..."Oh, God loves you so much He wants the best for you...." line. I know it quite well, thank you. I've learned that sometimes the things we think are not "God's Will"...indeed are. Hello, Job.
So, as I am ranting to God about my anger, hurt and even how I know He has me....He leads me to this passage: Psalm 73...I was so confused at first, then quickly came to a place of brokenness, realizing that I am this person. Envy & bitterness have snuck its conniving way into my heart. I hope you know how hard that was to type. Admitting it was even harder. But I knew without a doubt that Holy spirit took me straight there for a reason. Who can deny Him? So at the top of my journal I wrote, "This is my prayer for today...." And in my own words wrote this passage. Going from a place of provision and security to Hamilton, Al....literally saving pennies....did uncover this terrible sin in my life. I was at the point of looking back at the "good old days" asking God, "Why?..." Does He know the Hell I've been through? That I haven't wore makeup in weeks because I know I'm going to cry it right off! I haven't left my house in days to save money? And, staying in this house has caused me more envy and bitterness towards all of the people I know who can LEAVE their house?! Does He know I have absolutely NO christmas presents to give my daughter? And that she only has FOUR outfits to last her through the winter....? Does He know?! -Please understand this is not being put out for pity. He has showed me much through this, and is STILL showing me much through this chaotic mess I'm still struggling to overcome. At the end of Psalm 73 it says, "Yet I still belong to you; you are holding my right hand. You will keep on guiding me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in Heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever!" There is a happy ending somewhere in the midst of the turmoil.
About a week and a half ago we had to go to Tupelo to fetch some stuff for the business. I had this gripping at my gut the whole way. I really didn't want to spend ANY money. Owning your own business you NEVER know what will be left over for the next month because you may not make ANYTHING for weeks. I was very quiet most of the way. Totally not normal. We stopped at Chick-fil-a and grabbed lunch. I asked Caleb could I forfeit my lunch and use the $7 I would have spent to buy Eden something to wear. He didn't think I was serious. We headed back home and we began talking about the new baby. He was curious why I don't talk to him/her as much. SO ashamed I held back some serious tears to explain...Without shedding one tear I managed to get it out. Silence. Then all of a sudden it was like Niagra Falls exploded. My sandwich flew out of my mouth accompanied with sobs and some sweet tea. I couldn't pinpoint an exact emotion, but the fact that it was definitely ALL but the good ones that triggered this. If you asked Caleb, he would describe me as "hard". I don't cry much, if any. The only times he has truly seen me cry is with the Lord. This he had never witnessed before so He wasn't quite sure how to respond. I know he was hurting just as much as I was.
There has always been one story I've let him into that I'm sure he can recite perfectly. My parents got divorced when I was 12, my sister was 7 and my brother was still in utero. Together my parents did well financially. Apart my mother struggled. One night I sat at our island in the kitchen staring hopelessly at my mom as she sobbed on the phone with her mom. She kept saying, "I dont know what I'm going to do!" Here she was with all of this responsibility and no way to provide financially for everything. In my heart I made a vow. I will NEVER have to experience that. My children will never have to witness me in shambles because my bills can't be paid. Never say never right? Here I am with food, drink, snot and tears all over our truck. Crying as hard as I've cried in a long time. Like...weird noises escaping from my throat and all. Nothing could console me. I made sure God knew how upset I was. Caleb patted my shoulder, rubbed my arm and wiped my tears. All the while Eden sat and watched me telling me, "Shhh..mommy". (Totally didn't make me feel better, though I wish it had). I was taken back to that day I sat and watched my mom do the same thing. I hope Eden never remembers that day.
That day I first told you God brought me to the scripture...well Holy Spirit told me to read the book Envy-Bob Sorge. Reading it more than once was and is and will always be a must. I haven't decided yet if this is the hand God has dealt me, or if I'm just in a "Job" season. Maybe God is strengthening me to carry the grace we will soon be given for the sphere God has alloted us. As I said before, I'm still very intensely experiencing this. Still trying to overcome a battle. Still trying to accept what's been given me.
It's 2 weeks until Christmas. I still have not one thing for one person. I have a very bare "dream tree". Have already overdrawn my bank account paying bills. And Eden still only has 4 outfits for winter. Not to mention nothing afterwards. I still break down multiple times a day. I have told God twice today that I'm still mad....but only at myself. I can't be mad knowing that I'm being refined like silver and gold day after day by the only One who knows my past and my future. Yes, my future. I keep reminding myself that there is a GLORIOUS destiny at the end of this very dark tunnel. If it leads me home, it leads me home. If it commands I stay in Hamilton, I stay in Hamilton. Again I say, I am a willing vessel and I say yes! Break me and rip me apart. The outside may look weak...but you still remain the strength of my heart!
I look forward to updating you on my quest to find and hold pure joy, pure love.
As most of you know from previous post, September and October we had absolutely no income. Besides of course the miracle check that appeared in our mailbox. November 15th actually was the beginning date of "real" deer season. Not to mention we were supposed to be buying our home officially at the beginning of November...which didn't happen. The owners of the house are in bad health and at a very old age. My heart was to get them their money asap. I love them VERY much! But along with this upsetting news came more upsetting news after more upsetting news and I could continue this list on and on...That began a whirlwind of mass chaos in the world of me. Of course what else do you do but get on your face and cry out to God?! So, that's what I did.
I literally had snot coming out of my nose. Yes, gross. Out of many emotions, mostly anger...I slammed my fists against the floor until they turned red. I yelled a lot. I told God I was very mad at him. Followed by a "real sorry". Accompanied by even MORE snot and tears. It's hard to be angry with someone you love so much! It's even harder knowing that He's provided all that I have. HELLO! "Mysterious check!"....I would yell some hurting thought, then say "I know!". Now, looking back I smirk even though my eyes are tear-filled. My tongue has released the word hate a lot lately. "I hate the 'holidays'!" "I hate this place" "I hate, I hate, I hate...". It was not until Caleb pointed it out that I realized how often I began using such a terrible word. The worst part is that deep down I felt the root it was connected to but didn't have the strength to uproot it!
It aggravates me when people say, "It's going to be okay". The response I'd like to shoot back? "You have NO idea what is going to be okay. Walk a mile in my shoes, THEN tell me that again." Harsh. I know. I've learned for myself how easy it is to assure someone life will be grand when life is indeed grand on my end of the stick. How about putting myself in the other person's position, truly knowing what's going on, then proceed from there? Honestly, I don't need a "new" scripture or some lengthy..."Oh, God loves you so much He wants the best for you...." line. I know it quite well, thank you. I've learned that sometimes the things we think are not "God's Will"...indeed are. Hello, Job.
So, as I am ranting to God about my anger, hurt and even how I know He has me....He leads me to this passage: Psalm 73...I was so confused at first, then quickly came to a place of brokenness, realizing that I am this person. Envy & bitterness have snuck its conniving way into my heart. I hope you know how hard that was to type. Admitting it was even harder. But I knew without a doubt that Holy spirit took me straight there for a reason. Who can deny Him? So at the top of my journal I wrote, "This is my prayer for today...." And in my own words wrote this passage. Going from a place of provision and security to Hamilton, Al....literally saving pennies....did uncover this terrible sin in my life. I was at the point of looking back at the "good old days" asking God, "Why?..." Does He know the Hell I've been through? That I haven't wore makeup in weeks because I know I'm going to cry it right off! I haven't left my house in days to save money? And, staying in this house has caused me more envy and bitterness towards all of the people I know who can LEAVE their house?! Does He know I have absolutely NO christmas presents to give my daughter? And that she only has FOUR outfits to last her through the winter....? Does He know?! -Please understand this is not being put out for pity. He has showed me much through this, and is STILL showing me much through this chaotic mess I'm still struggling to overcome. At the end of Psalm 73 it says, "Yet I still belong to you; you are holding my right hand. You will keep on guiding me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in Heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever!" There is a happy ending somewhere in the midst of the turmoil.
About a week and a half ago we had to go to Tupelo to fetch some stuff for the business. I had this gripping at my gut the whole way. I really didn't want to spend ANY money. Owning your own business you NEVER know what will be left over for the next month because you may not make ANYTHING for weeks. I was very quiet most of the way. Totally not normal. We stopped at Chick-fil-a and grabbed lunch. I asked Caleb could I forfeit my lunch and use the $7 I would have spent to buy Eden something to wear. He didn't think I was serious. We headed back home and we began talking about the new baby. He was curious why I don't talk to him/her as much. SO ashamed I held back some serious tears to explain...Without shedding one tear I managed to get it out. Silence. Then all of a sudden it was like Niagra Falls exploded. My sandwich flew out of my mouth accompanied with sobs and some sweet tea. I couldn't pinpoint an exact emotion, but the fact that it was definitely ALL but the good ones that triggered this. If you asked Caleb, he would describe me as "hard". I don't cry much, if any. The only times he has truly seen me cry is with the Lord. This he had never witnessed before so He wasn't quite sure how to respond. I know he was hurting just as much as I was.
There has always been one story I've let him into that I'm sure he can recite perfectly. My parents got divorced when I was 12, my sister was 7 and my brother was still in utero. Together my parents did well financially. Apart my mother struggled. One night I sat at our island in the kitchen staring hopelessly at my mom as she sobbed on the phone with her mom. She kept saying, "I dont know what I'm going to do!" Here she was with all of this responsibility and no way to provide financially for everything. In my heart I made a vow. I will NEVER have to experience that. My children will never have to witness me in shambles because my bills can't be paid. Never say never right? Here I am with food, drink, snot and tears all over our truck. Crying as hard as I've cried in a long time. Like...weird noises escaping from my throat and all. Nothing could console me. I made sure God knew how upset I was. Caleb patted my shoulder, rubbed my arm and wiped my tears. All the while Eden sat and watched me telling me, "Shhh..mommy". (Totally didn't make me feel better, though I wish it had). I was taken back to that day I sat and watched my mom do the same thing. I hope Eden never remembers that day.
That day I first told you God brought me to the scripture...well Holy Spirit told me to read the book Envy-Bob Sorge. Reading it more than once was and is and will always be a must. I haven't decided yet if this is the hand God has dealt me, or if I'm just in a "Job" season. Maybe God is strengthening me to carry the grace we will soon be given for the sphere God has alloted us. As I said before, I'm still very intensely experiencing this. Still trying to overcome a battle. Still trying to accept what's been given me.
It's 2 weeks until Christmas. I still have not one thing for one person. I have a very bare "dream tree". Have already overdrawn my bank account paying bills. And Eden still only has 4 outfits for winter. Not to mention nothing afterwards. I still break down multiple times a day. I have told God twice today that I'm still mad....but only at myself. I can't be mad knowing that I'm being refined like silver and gold day after day by the only One who knows my past and my future. Yes, my future. I keep reminding myself that there is a GLORIOUS destiny at the end of this very dark tunnel. If it leads me home, it leads me home. If it commands I stay in Hamilton, I stay in Hamilton. Again I say, I am a willing vessel and I say yes! Break me and rip me apart. The outside may look weak...but you still remain the strength of my heart!
I look forward to updating you on my quest to find and hold pure joy, pure love.
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